Elves Vs Reindeer!

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It’s the second day after Christmas, and Santa’s entire village has turned out to watch the seasonal football match between the Elves and the Reindeer. A day put aside to relax for most, after all the hard work leading up to Christmas Eve, and a way to get out all those frustrations that have built up between the masses. 2

The commentator for today is heard in a never-ending barrage of words, shouting above the rest. “Well that’s the end of an uneventful second quarter for the Elves and the halftime show’s about to begin! We see the lovely Twinkle Stars leaping across the field on a trail of moon dust to delight your eyes and bring a song to your heart. Isn’t Tina bell lovely in her amethyst tutu? (Hi Tina bell, I’ll see you at the party love) sigh…. Um, ah...Oh yeah! Please stand to sing along to our national anthem, ‘Here comes Santa Claus!’ and don’t forget to visit the concession stand for a nice warm cup of cocoa, and try out one of Bernard’s NEW mint striped wieners! I hear they’re really tasty and don’t leave that doggy aftertaste in your mouth.”3

Meanwhile in the locker room of the Elves…4

Sam the quarterback is in a heated discussion with the coach, “Yeah Coach that was what I tried to do!” 5

The Coach replies, “But it didn’t work did it? Now listen, if we even have a snowballs chance in hell of winning, you’re going to have to get creative out there!”6

The other Elves huddled around to hear what the coach had to say, and through shouts of protests and finally sounds of glee, a plan was conveyed and hatched for the second half of the game.7

Over in the Reindeer’s camp, Blitzen and the gang are lounging around sipping Christmas aid and laughing with the prospect of winning this year’s seasonal game. Why would this year be any different? It’s been a hundred odd years since the Elves had won and if what happened in the first half (which wasn’t much) was any indication, the win was guaranteed to be theirs. 8

Rudolf grins and makes for the cooler and pulls out another drink. Donard yells across the room, “Hey Ruddy, throw me one of those too, I love the new flavor this year, it packs a serious punch with that cinnamon added, Delicious!”9

Shouts ring out from the gang to add them to the cue and after a couple of minutes they’re all enjoying a second bottle, glancing at the clock with ideas of the party following their victory, dancing around in their heads.10

Trumpets blare, marking the end of halftime and the commentator is heard crackling over the icy air…11

“Here comes the favored Reindeer back to the field, they really are impressive folks, just check out those antlers standing at attention! And yep, the Elves are now running back out here to get their clocks cleaned good fashion!”12

Down on the field, lines are taken and Liam the center is bent over, head to head with Rudolf and speaks in a hushed tone, “When we’re done with you Deer, you’re gonna wish you were home sitting in front of a fire instead of here on this field where we’re gonna make you look like venison stew.”13

Rudolf, taken by surprise from this silly elf’s attitude, laughs a bit nervously when he sees Liam’s malicious grin and replies, “Give it your best shot little man!”14

The ball is snapped…15

The commentator shouts, “Sam has the ball and Rudolf has sprung into action leaping over Liam and Charley on his charge to get to Sam. WOW he actually got it off before Rudolf got there! …And it’s…caught by… Pete the Elves wide receiver! Sidestepping, down the sidelines just out of Donard’s reach! Ladies and gentlemen he has the first down on the thirty-five yard line! I never thought I’d ever witness this! And I don’t think Donard ever did either by the way he’s shaking his head. Chin up bud, it had to happen sometime!”16

Lining up again, the Reindeer puzzled by this happening, look at each of the Elves in front of them. Wondering what was said in their locker room to get them in such a changed disposition, then glanced Donard’s way. Was that “Jingle bells,” he was singing?17

The ball is snapped several more times with yardage gained and Rudolf, unable to reach Sam, experiences the onslaught of failure for the first time in his life. Every time he leaps over the front line elves, he gets this weird giddiness about him, ‘but hey, it’s not a bad feeling’ (or so he thinks).18

Commentator shouts louder now, “The ball’s flying…and Pete picks it off, and will you look at that elf run! Donard is zigzagging his way up the field in hot pursuit, but wait where the Christmas bells is he going?? Turn right! Turn right! Don’t you see him?? And where did Blitzen get off too?? TOUCHDOWN Elves!!” 19

Pete dances a jig in the end zone as the crowd on the Elves side jumps, hoots and hollers in the stands. Someone spots Blitzen cavorting with a couple of Twinkle Stars, pulls him away from the dazzling babes and pushes him back on the field.20

“They’re lining up on the forty-yard line now for the extra point, and Garret walks out on the field. His personal score is 0, but you can’t fault him for that, he’s never had a chance to ever kick the ball before now.” 21

Liam snaps the ball as a hush falls on the crowd, Sam sets it in time and Garret kicks… 22

“It’s flying…and so are the Reindeer! Cupid and Blitzen both are trying to deflect it at the same time…Ouch that must have hurt! And… it’s good! Folks, this is a different ball game. Yes indeed! The score now stands Reindeer 21, Elves 7!”23

Santa leads Blitzen and Cupid, trying to unlock their antlers, off the field. Glitter confetti 24

rains down from the stands and cheers ring out as horns blare the end of this third quarter.25

It’s now the Reindeer’s turn at the ball.26

In their huddle, the Elves snicker amongst each other while glancing in the direction of the Reindeer huddle. Fred, the defensive end unable to contain his mirth says, “Get a load of Dasher and Vixen, someone should go over and tell them, that’s not appropriate behavior in public, considering their spouses are watching.” 27

Hurk, Natt and Pug the defensive line elves watch the two mentioned for a moment, (licking each other’s noses and patting their butts) and in unison say, “Not for anything in life!”28

Dancer and Comet pull Dasher and Vixen apart and line up, facing the defensive line of Elves. Vixen with her tongue drooling snaps the ball to Dasher, just as she’s bombarded by Pug’s elbow in her side, knocking the wind out of her.  Dasher gets his hooves tangled backing up and trips himself...29

“It’s a FUMBLE, and by all the Saints, there goes Fred grabbing it from mid air and he’s running folks! Thirty yard-line, twenty-five, twenty…what is going on?? Dancer and Comet were trotting up the field a second ago… Oh will you look at that, they’re playing patty-cake in the air…TOUCHDOWN Elves!”30

The crowd goes wild as they cheer the Elves for their second touchdown of the century, as Santa rides Blizzard up to get the befuddled patty-cake playing pair, asking,31

“Blizzard, do you have any idea what is going on?”32

She shakes her head and answers, ‘No Santa, I overheard them in the locker room earlier and they were sure it was another shoe in for this year. And after that amorous display, Dad is going to be in hot water for sure!”33

They make it back to the sidelines and Santa sends in the Reindeer defensive line of Donard, Cupid, Rudolf and Blitzen, though to look at them he wasn’t so sure. They were acting funny. They just stood there singing “Silent Night” in four-part harmony, as Garret the kicker for the Elves, lobbed a sixty-eight yard field goal, centered right between the goalposts.34

“And it’s…good! The Elves have got their extra point! The Score now stands Reindeer 21, Elves 14. I’d like to take a moment to ask you not to forget the victory party that takes place right after the game. It’s being held in the famous Sleigh Dome. Come one, come all and don’t forget to tip those lovely Twinkle Stars, they’ll be such personal entertainment...oh, ah, ah…I mean they’ll be entertaining us this evening.” 35

Santa calls a timeout just as the Elves have lined back up, and puts his entire team of Reindeer on the bench. He looked them over for a moment then asked, “What in the name of Christmas are you all up too? I’ve not seen a spectacle like this; since Cupid’s father, Flaming Arrow drank his fill of Aunt Molly’s secret recipe!”36

They all sat there chuckling and wondered what Santa was so upset for, they were winning after all, and nothing the Elves were going to do was gonna make a difference with only four minutes left to play. Blitzen stood and said, “Don’t worry Santa, we have it all under control.” (Hiccupping) 37

He nodded his antlers towards the game, and they all got up and staggered back on the field. Santa covered his eyes like he was getting a bad headache from the sun, not having the heart to tell them they couldn’t ALL go, but opened his eyes and shouted, “Offense line, back to the bench!”38

The Elves were waiting excitedly to finish the game and laughed and jeered out loud when the Reindeer were finally standing (thought not very well) in a haphazard line across from them. Donard shakes his head as if to clear it and snorts, “Hey, if we can’t have the whole team out here, then why do they?” 39

The game’s official said, “It’s four players to four players you silly moose, now play ball and get this game over with, my toes are froze and I want some hot cocoa!”40

The Reindeer digging their hooves deep into the snowy muck, try to focus on their intended victims as the ball is snapped…41

Commentator is shouting, “Sam’s got the ball. Here comes Rudolf charging him down! Sam is weaving back and forth trying to keep from harms way, looking for an opening…Pete’s all the way down field, just inches from Blitzen’s nose…Sam throws the ball…Holy Christmas! Rudolf ploughed right over Sam! But wait, he got it off in time and Pete’s picked off the throw and has the ball! He’s got the ball folks and running like the wind! There goes Cupid closing in on Blitzen and Pete, turf and snow flying from his heals…”42

Blitzen and Cupid catch a patch of ice just as they are about to tackle Pete and slide sideways into each other, all the way to the goal post, ramming into it. Clumps of snow fall from the post landing on their heads. 43

“Pete jumps in the last second and dives in the end zone just out of reach! TOUCHDOWN Elves!! The score is now Reindeer 21, Elves 20, with a field goal left to kick by the Elves, will bring a tie this season if Garret can kick another one in safely. The elves must be pretty darn proud of their game this year!”44

Cupid and Blitzen untangle themselves, shaking off the snow and fuzziness from their heads and trot back out on the field breathing heavily beneath the roar and merrymaking of the crowd.45

Garret comes running out on the field and in the Elves huddle, a bruised and battered Sam spouts off the numbers of the next play and in excited shouts to one another, they break and line up. 46

The Reindeer are ready and waiting, Rudolf and Donard in front to tackle Liam and Sam, with Cupid and Blitzen in the rear to try and deflect the flight of the ball if Garret gets it away.47

A hush falls on the crowd, as they hold their breath in anticipation, each wondering what will happen in these last 30 seconds. This has been the best game in over a century. All eyes glued on the players. 48

Liam snaps the ball to Sam, but instead of Garret kicking it, Sam hands it off to him in the last second…Cupid and Blitzen already in the air, miss the change in strategy. Cupid tackles Sam to the ground thinking he still has the ball. Liam, Pete and Charley cover Donard’s advance, wrestling him to the ground.49

“Garrets running with the ball! He’s at the ten yard line, where are those two clowns in the sky??? At the five…Garret…scores! Did you SEE that folks, the Elves went for a two-point conversion!! HAHAHAHA they won, they actually won!! Final Score - Elves 22, Reindeer 21! I hope you all know you’ve just witnessed a first in history!”50

The crowd is out of their seats and running out on the field, confetti and balloons gracing the air and horns screeching off from every direction. Santa is standing on the sidelines still scratching his head in disbelief.51

Later that evening at the Sleigh Dome, crates of Christmas aid are opened and distributed from the bar, and Vixen is found covered in twinkling lights, singing between her hiccups and saying, “Ya know, this really is a might powe’ful punch…” 52

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©Sandi Alford 2005 58