The bullet pierced the soft flesh of her abdomen, going through the lining of her stomach. Blood poured from the whole, acid from her stomach filled and burned other organs, death came all to quickly.
A contest entry
- Stun Me in 2 Sentences by Lady Pixie.
175 points, ended November 17, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Run on?
Comments
-
Great hook but some minor grammar problems that can be fixed.
Hope you don't mind the suggestions:
hole (not whole)
I'd suggest rephrasing 'filled' to filling and 'burned' to burning for smoother reading.
I'd suggest turning the comma after 'organs' into a semi-colon.
death came all too quickly.
Overall, I liked these two sentences. Would make for a great hook for a story.
Good job and thanks for your entry 
Pixie
-
Eh... yes. Run on. Concept is good but too many words.. makes it sound like emo psycho writing.. like you are revelling in the description of her painful death. >_>
Adding your comment:
