Choke

I can't stop coughing. It feels like my insides are going to bubble out of me, I'm laughing so hard. Jack passes the bong around again and I'm lost in smoke and a laughter I can't control. 1

Lindy tells me that she's going to the store to get some munchies for later, when the drugs wear off and we're starving. 2

We used to do this with Joslyn. We used to have her around. But that was before so many things changed. I stare up at the ceiling and I feel light and heavy all at once- caught perfectly between sleep and awake and I feel beautiful and this moment, I'm sure, shall crystalize itself in my memory. Just like that last moment with Joslyn- just like our last day, by the river, just as fall was setting in.3

It was chilly, but the sun was pouring from the sky as if it were orange juice being poured from a jug. Her hair seemed so warm in that light, I remember touching it and being surprised that it wasn't more warm that she was- that the brown didn't contain a life and a heat of it's very own. She laughed at me when I told her that. That was the last time I heard her laugh, and it had been such a perfect, clear, and simple sound, like a child's laughter. There was nothing beneath it. 4

And something had been beneath it for so long it surprised me, but I didn't question, because it was good to have her back. It was so good to have her back, in fact, that when she was gone for good at the end of the day, I was almost sure it was a dream. She made me promise to help her, and what could I do? I loved her. I loved her hopelessly and helplessly and all the things between the two. I remember how her eyes looked, that last time I saw them.5

She seemed so effortlessly happy. She laughed at me, kissed me, and told me she loved me. And then, silently, perfectly, the way she should have gone.6

But now I felt her loss, now I felt her end. Sitting here, staring at the ceiling and listening to old friends talk about old times- talk about all times but the Joslyn times.7

I missed her, I really, and truly, missed her. I didn't think I would, that last day. I thought that because the ending was right, it would be okay.8

But now, I long for the beginning again.9