Swallowed hard, like I understood.

Sometimes you get a bit of insperation and just want to write. It happens in the weirdest of places, at the strangest times, with the loveliest people. But you can still feel so alone, and so unexpressable. You can't describe what you want to write, but you know the words are going to come out of you somehow, so they may as well come out in a story form, rather then in a way of screaming at a group of people you know are only trying their best, but cannot help the way you feel so bad about it all. 1

Steal a look at him. He knows you're staring, because its just a bit too long a look to be considering a friend. He's not unbelieably handsome, he's not even good looking, but he's quite possibly someone you're willing to put everything in for. Someone you deeply care about. 2

What do you want? You're not quite sure, but you know it consists of him and you being together maybe even for just a week, it wouldn't have to last long, just one kiss would do, one holding of the hands, one little peck when you weren't looking, one little hug or squeeze just at the right time.3

Not being embarrased, not being annoyed, slipping his arm around you when no one was noticing. And earlier, why did you snap when he touched your feet? You'd been flirting with him all night anyway, and then he touched you for the first time, maybe just to show you a bit of attention, and you hurt him, you saw the rejection in his face, and wanted to drag him out of there, and whisper how sorry you were. 4

But you couldn't, and all those threats you made towards him were just covering up the fact you like him, you think he's finally on your wavelength, though you agree with the opinions the rest of your friends have, because you don't want to make it obvious about what you feel, if you can even justify it at all. Can you? Can you honestly say you want this? And are you brave enough to go for it, are you brave enough to be rejected? You never have been before, at least not the way you thought you had. 5

And you're scared, but you read emails and positive things that say make the jump, take the risk thats what life is all about, and you live by that policy, of making each day count. He might say yes, he might say no, so why the hell are you so scared about it, why does it rip you up inside that he might say no. Why are you terrified, petrified, stupfied and any other words that represent that self doubt? And what is it excatly your'e scared off? Him saying yes, or him saying no? Saying no would be hard, but it would be that you wouldn't have to bother with the first ever relationship you'd have. 6

And saying yes, would be like taking that first step off that building into the cyclone you call your life. So what's stopping you? Its just chemicals in your head, and before you know it he'll have gone out with someone else. They all tease you solid, and you want to do it, oh gosh how much you want to do it isn't measureable, so why is it this complicated? Its not even him that drives you to feel this passionatly, its the actual risk, the adreline rush you get when you just think about making the decision. 7

It would be the first time, ever, but if you don't learn now, how will you ever learn? You gonna spend the rest of your life avoiding people because your'e too scared to ask them out? Hide behind a computer, work it into a question, but if it means getting everything you ever wanted, for taking one risk, why can't you do it?8

Stop walking, stand still in the room full of all your friends, and listen, listen to the music, the lyrics, which spill your heart out. They all critise it as crap, "slit your wrists" music, but for you it means so much, And how can you explain that in the room full of your so called best friends, you feel so alone, so tired, and overall in needing of a hug, in needing of him. You could have asked him out earlier, you were alone, in that room. 9

He invited you to play computer games with him, alone, with no one else, just you and him, and you rejected it. Why? He asked you to make pancakes at his house, instead of going out with the others, and you rejected it, why? Do the right thing by them? What about doing the right thing for you for once in your pathetic excuse of a life, why not, why not pull yourself together, and next wednesday or the next time you're alone, ask him, just blurt it out, and hope, hope with all your heart it'll work, and not be so stressful. That you will just click.10

Sit. Fade back into the conversation, ask why, joke around, muck around on the Xbox, and ignore this feeling. Fit in with your friends, talking about the game, shout and yell at the other one for kill you, and enjoy yourself behind your plastic face. 11

But you know you'll have to ask him, or never forgive yourself.12