Seamus the Unlucky Dwarf: A World of Warcraft Tale

((This is a story about something that actually happened to me during a guild event in World of Warcraft...))1

Me name is Seamus, and me run o’ bad fortune started at IronForge.2

As I stood there, bright an’ happy wi’ the prospect o’ meetin’ me guildmates at Warsong Gulch, speakin’ excitedly wi’ them through the magick stones our guild issues fer jus’ that purpose, I missed me tram.3

No’ only did I miss the bugger, but a sudden disruption in the very latency of time and space made me miss me second. 4

It seems Fate was against me tha’ day.5

When finally I jumped aboard a tram an’ made me way toward Sentinel Hill, I was in wonder at the sights aboot me. The Dwarves of IronForge have made themselves a vast an’ wonderful empire, but never had I seen any thing quite so wondrous as the mechanized system running through the very veins o’ the mountain.6

A guildmate o’ mine, a few ranks more seasoned than I, met me at the depot on the other side o’ the mountain an’ greeted me, offering a safe passage through to Booty Bay.7

...If’n I would take off me clothes. 8

“There are mighty monsters ahead,” he declared, “and if we plan to run past them, they will no doubt wear down our armor as we go.”9

So’s I did. I realized in doin’ so tha’ I was jus’ about the only Dwarf I’d ever seen wi’ no hair on me back. So there I went, runnin’ through the streets o’ Sentinel Hill in me skivvies, following a slightly-less naked elf. At least me friend had a robe ta cover his shame. No’ that there is much shame on a Night Elf, but...10

It was’na long before we’d made our way out ta the fields behind the city, and the attacks started coming. The mechanized scarecrows ‘ad seen better days, an’ apparently the Scarecrow Union was on strike, because they kept up wi’ strikin’ us. We ran, and ran, naked and pursued through the hills.11

“We’ll be fine,” the Elf called o’er his shoulder. “Booty Bay’s no’ far.”12

Jus’ at that time, me eyes widened in horror as one particularly well placed arrow from some fish headed freak laid him low, felling me much more experienced companion into the haystacks in a pool o’ his own gore.13

So there I was, runnin’ still, nekkid and afeared o' me life, through a farmer’s field. Before me a great mighty ship, weathered and beaten wi’ time, stuck her once-noble prow out o’ the waters that were the cove before me.14

“Now,” said me companion through his stone, having been resurrected in a place I knew not, “Hop in the water and swim South until you reach land. We’ll be there.”15

Swim? I thought! A Dwarf? I’m like a brick! But they assured me if’n I stayed close ta shore I’d be grand, so swim I did. 16

I swam, an’ swam, an’ swam, until finally I took a rest and turned around to see me progress. 17

...The ship was only fifty feet behind me. And then an arrow from the same set that felled me guildmate brought me down, as well.18

Well, let me tell ye, I’ve always been a cautious adventurer. “Son,” me mum used to say, “ye can never be too cautious. Loo’ at yer dear ol’ pa.” An’ of course, I would look at me pa, and try to remember from all the years of tales spun by him which stump went wi’ which story.19

So therefore, I’d traveled the Death Express aboot as often as I’d ridden the Gnomish Trams. Lookin’ up into the pale sky, surrounded by pale environs, I realized that if I didn’t find me body soon, the big black sphincter in the sky would suck me permanently in.20

I made it back to me body, after quite a time o' wanderin’ and settled down into it, trying to reestablish the connection between me ethereal self and me terrestrial self. It was’na hard work, but as soon as I was done, I was sent back ta what I’ve now come ta call “Sphincter World” by the five or so baddies campin’ me body.21

One could see this was gon’ta be difficult. 22

I ran back to me body over seven times that night, and by the time it was done, an’ the sun was rollin’ over the distant mountains on the horizon, I realized somethin’ of much distress ta me...23

...Me guildmate had said to take off me clothes. He’d never mentioned me weapons. 24

I’d been carrying me blunderbuss an’ me axe all along. I looked down at me axe, covered in the slime an' ichor of a million acid-squelchin’ freaks that had come and decided to lay their foul corrosive eggs all over it an’ wept, as it was me first good-quality axe. I looked to me relatively unharmed blunderbuss in time for one o’ them fish headed monstrosities to come by an’ gulp it into ‘is mouth, an’ he wandered off wi’ not much that I could say or do.25

Oh well, says I.26

“Oh well,” said me guildmates through their stones, and they chuckled as I explained me situation. “Keep comin’,” they cried. 27

So I did.28

A half hour later, an’ ten minutes before the event started at Booty Bay, I finally made it to the coast. Following the link I had wi’ me mates, I started makin’ me way across vile, savage lands, until finally, two minutes before the games began, I stood in front of the Arena. Smiling to meself and looking up at this new and strange sight, I found meself wonderin' how much of this wonderful world I would probably never see. An old poem ran through me head...29

I sit beside the fire and think30

of how the world will be31

when winter comes without a spring32

that I shall ever see. 33

For still there are so many things34

that I have never seen:35

in every wood in every spring36

there is a different green. 37

I sit beside the fire and think38

of people long ago,39

and people who will see a world40

that I shall never know.41

Ah, the fondness of that moment, as I realized that in just a short time I’d be in good company of ol’ friends, rippin’ the heads off some effeminate gnome or some Horde slob to get treasure.42

...When suddenly, a velociraptor came up behind me an’ did some rippin’ o’ his own.43

Through me stone, and also me newly heightened awareness as a denizen o’ the Sphincter World, I heard me guild mates start the event, and as I hastened back to me body, I thought,44

“Me name is Seamus, an’ Fate does’na smile upon me today...” 45