My long brunette hair trailed behind me in neat waves, bouncing against the small of my back. The sound of my heels clicking on the pavement was music to my ears, these gothic, knee high; black leather boots were my new obsession. It had taken two, half, paychecks to afford them. Now mind you, I didn’t have a job, I got the money from my adoptive grandmother, Grandma Gynn, she always looked after me. After my Aunts death, she was only one of two people who really cared about what happened to me. It gave me warm fuzzy feelings.1
My red long sleeved sweater clung to my frame, its smooth, cashmere material soft against my bare skin. Hands shoved into my purple jeans with chains hanging from the pockets, I was dressed for an evening of hanging with friends. I hated being seventeen. It was a weird stage when I knew I was old enough to do the big scary things adults talked about, but everyone refused to acknowledge this, and treated me like I was four. It got really old and annoying, very fast.2
I took a left into an alley, away from the noise of the busy street. The shadows were long and the light was scarce. I let my feet guide me down the path I knew by heart, another left then a right, down a secluded street with one house and a bunch of boarded up buildings. I watched light flicker in an upstairs window of the boarded up warehouse. I shivered and kept my eyes to the ground, I didn’t want to know what was going on there.3
I stopped in front of a small house. I looked up at its torn shutters, pealing white paint and over grown lawn. It needed work, and the broken glass windows were a health hazard. I walked up the wooden steps, dodging the rotted parts, trying not to break an ankle. I didn’t dare touch the twisted and jagged railing; it looked like a breeding ground for rust and tetanus. 4
I tapped my knuckles on the door then stepped back. The door hinges were rusty and the door would have to be shoved hard, knocking anyone in its path down the steps. Just as I had thought, the door swung open with force, hitting the outside of the house, leaving a bigger dent then was there before. A girl in her late twenties with sleek blonde hair and blue eyes, red from crying, stood in the doorway. Her long forest green cloak almost hid the ankle length blood red dress. She was an inch taller than my five feet nine inches, with hoop snake bites in her lips.5
“Karissa thank you so much for coming.” Her voice was soft and hiccupped, she’d been crying heavily. 6
“You sounded like you needed the company Mya.” I stepped into the house as Mya stepped aside. 7
The inside of the house was pretty much like the outside, much of the drywall was missing, revealing the insulation, and rat droppings. The few walls that were still intact had chipping and molding paint. With every step I took, dust threatened to suffocate me, for the floor wasn’t much better. I had to dodge thick pieces of ceiling and wall, chunks of glass and dead rats. I shivered, goose bumps forming on my arms and back. Who could live in a place like this?8
I followed Mya into the living room. It looked like a hurricane disaster area. The windows were shattered and glass carpeted the floor like a rug, there were places were the floor sunk dangerously low and the walls were barley holding up the roof. Rat droppings, drywall, insulation and God only knew what else accompanied the glass. The only piece of furniture was a love seat with rat nest holes and stained blue covers, a dead body added to its decor.9
“Mya…” I started, taking a step back. 10
“Don’t worry, the police are on there way here.” Mya clung to her cloak, her eyes pleading.11
“Mya!” I groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “One, You know the police hate me. Two, I can’t do anything about a dead body Mya!”12
“Karissa, it is Grandma Gynn” Mya broke into sobs once more.13
I sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into a hug. The body did look familiar; the usually neat bun of grey hair was a horrible mess, the black pants were lightly stained with blood, while her white button up blouse was soaked through, a cut to her throat the cause. What was unnerving and caused me to freeze were the crosses carved over her body. 14
I released Mya and took a step towards the body, minding my step. I now realised why Mya had called me. Icy coldness ran through my blood as I picked up a small piece of paper. I unfolded it, my eyes not believing the words. They were written delicately with swirls and elegance. Someone had taken their time writing this, possibly while Gynn was dying.15
“In the darkness one light rose above the rest, he was deemed pure and made to banish those who fall under Lucifer’s spell.” I read a loud, my whole body shaking. 16
“You think it was the church?” Mya whispered.17
“No, well maybe.” I pinched the bridge of my nose.18
A knocking brought Mya to the front door, I made to leave when a figure appeared in the doorway. I looked up and mentally planned my grave. She was two inches taller than me with a head of loose blonde curls that reached just under her breasts. She had full lips that seemed to be stuck in a sick twisted smile. Her dark grey eyes surveyed the room. Her black dress pants hung loose on her legs, and her plain white buttoned up blouse was complimented by a black tie and over coat 19
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest as a second figure made his way to the doorway. He had semi-short dirty blonde hair, more dirty than blonde. He had a five o-clock shadow and some longer stubble for a beard. He wore a black dress shirt with a black blazer over the top and black jeans. It was his eyes though, that drew me in. They were bright sea blue mixed with sunshine yellow. 20
“What the hell is she doing here?” The female hissed advancing towards me. Uh oh21
“Detective Shales,” I said as I smiled hesitantly, taking small steps back. “Nice to see you again.” 22
“Don’t you Detective Shales me you little brat.” Shales hissed grabbing me roughly by the upper arm, shaking me slightly. “Finally caught you in the act huh? Finally caught you killing someone”23
You see, me and Detective Bitchy-Shales here don’t get along very well. As she belongs to the Palmer Police Department, and I, the Mage agency of, a pain in her ass. And since she came on the force, she had decided I was a mass murderer and used all her spare time, which she had a lot of for someone with her standings, to prove this untrue fact. I guess it didn’t help that I stalked her crime scenes very suspiciously, and once in a while, came up with damning evidence only the killer would know. Weird huh, I know.24
“Jenn, who is this you’re man handling?” The male walked up beside Shales.25
He must have been Shales new partner, for I haven’t seen him around this block, and I knew everyone in the PPD. This made me existed, he seemed to have a more calm cooler Aura then Shales, and was questioning her actions. An A+ in my books, I was really going to like this guy, I just knew it.26
“This is Karissa Lynn Demore. Murderer. You come to any crime scene she’s there.” Shales shook me again. I feel like a rag doll.27
“I am not a Murderer! Mya called me because this is Grandma Gynn.” I struggled to pull myself from Shales grip. Lot of help it did, I was still stuck. “She was my teacher.”28
“Teacher in what?” The male smiled all friendly like, making me melt. What should I tell him, guess I’ll go with the truth.29
“Um…” I swallowed hard. “Magic.”30
“Magic?” He looked startled.31
“She’s a Mage, Dylan.” Shales gripped me arm harder. I winced and let my muscles go loose, trying to lessen my pain.32
“Ow! Loosing circulation here.” I tried to pry Shales fingers from my slowly numbing arm. Not that it did any help; she had a death grip on me.33
“They told me this town was different, but Mages?” Dylan looked more confused than disgusted. Which was a change. That’s what you get when you live in Palmer.34
“I’m not a freaking Mage.” I snapped, giving up on getting my arm back. People really need to get there ears fixed. 35
“Oh really?” Shale’s sneered pulling me towards her roughly, causing me to almost stumble into her. “Then tell us what you are?”36
Mya, who had so far stayed quiet, spoke up. “Um, she’s an earth guardian.”37
Shales seemed to go red in the face as she glared down at me. I smiled brightly, trying to tug my arm free once more. Shales gripped tighter, her long manicured nails digging into my flesh and drawing blood. I squeaked as I was pulled almost nose to nose with Shales. Mya looked frightened, not knowing what to do, while Dylan looked amused. Well, glad to know my pain is giving someone a good time. Not that anyone should care about the poor, innocent, abused seventeen year old.38
“Leave my crime scene now, or I will arrest you.” Shales voice was low and venomous. 39
“This isn’t the first Mage to be killed like this.” I said in a small voice. “These are my people. Plus, where are the crime scene tape, and the rest of your squad?”40
“They are on there way, now GET OUT!”41
“Not till forensics gets here.”42
“How old are you sweetheart?” Dylan questioned, bending over as he stood a good four inches taller than me. 43
It made me feel short, I hated feeling short.44
I turned my attention to him. “Seventeen.” I ground my teeth; I hated getting treated like a baby.45
“Your mom will be worried about you, why don’t you just run home; you’re too young to be witnessing the dead like this.” He smiled brightly, like a father scolding his child for watching a scary movie.46
“My mother is dead.” I was able the tear my arm from Shales grip, leaving deep scratch marks where she tried to hold on. “They died when I was four.”47
“I’m sorry Hun, but a crime scene is no place for a child if you’d like I can give you a ride home.” Dylan stood up looking worriedly at me.48
“Kari, can you take me home now?” Mya made her way towards me. 49
I sighed deeply and nodded, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, ignoring the throbbing pain it produced. Mya made her way towards the door, I was at her side.50
“I mean it Demore, stay away from my crime scenes.”51
I rolled my eyes, moving as fast as I could out the door. Mya clung to me as soon as we reached the streets, car alarms could be heard in the distance, also a slight rumble. Looks like a storm is coming, we need a good drench. The police sirens alerted the arriving of the forensic team and I smirked. I told her I wasn’t leaving till they arrived. I moved out of the way just as they started taking out the tape, sectioning off the house.52
I walked away, Mya still clinging to my arm as we moved away from the flashing red and blue lights that painted the streets. I turned back once, watching as the Mages took pictures, and Magickal samples, much more trustworthy then technology was. Mages can collect even the smallest of DNA samples and produce an identity with it, it was actually quite cunning.53
I let Mya off a few blocks down. 54
“Keep safe Kari, someone has it out for Mages.” Mya smiled55
“Night Mya” 56
***57
I lived on the corner of 56th and 123rd street. The second most run, down area in Palmer. It was home to a tiny, falling apart, apartment with limited hot water, bad cable and noisy neighbours. Home sweet home… I shoved my door open, tossing my keys into a small jar. It was a one bedroom three roomed place, one for the living room slash kitchen slash dinning room, one for the small square bedroom only big enough for a bed and small dresser slash closet, and one for the bathroom with a tub barely big enough the bathe in.58
I plopped down on my small black couch, blocking out the squeaking of a bed frame from upstairs with the news. It was always the same, murder’s mayhem and cuddly kittens. This town is really depressing. I sighed and dragged myself into the kitchen, throwing a frozen T.V dinner into the microwave. But it’s my town59
After devouring the tasteless meal I took a semi hot shower, meaning cold but-warm-enough-not-to-get-frost-bite. better then nothing I suppose. I slipped into my dark purple pyjamas and slid into the bed. It wasn’t soft, but not hard enough for me to complain. I closed her eyes, and was just about to fall asleep when an eerie feeling washed over me, something wasn't right, I felt like I was being watched. 60
I stood up; casting my eyes around the darkened room, there was no one there but me. I cursed, unable to call on my sleepy self again. I walked from the bedroom and into the kitchen, throwing open the fridge door, taking out a can of Pepsi and moved into the living room, sitting down on My couch, looking out my window at the broken down city.61
I can't throw this feeling off, it’s dark. Like a built up of negative energy, but I can't find where it's coming from. I took a sip of my Pepsi, The only type of pop I drink, I refuse to drink coke, I stick to my gun about it too., watching as the lights slowly died, signalling the dead hour. The time when Palmer was nothing but sleeping Mages and grave yard shifts. All is peaceful on the surface but I wonder how many people have felt the same essence as me? Who else is fighting off sleep with a dead feeling in there chest?62
I chocked on the Pepsi in her mouth as a shape started to form on my window in frost What the bloody hell? it was a skull, well defined, with a black aura pulsing around it, sending shivers down my spine, and my body out of the couch. That’s unnatural. Then again, so is most of the things in my life. The skull seemed to smirk at me before blasting my window apart, sending shards of glass everywhere. I screamed, throwing my hands up to block my face from the sharp shards of glass, only nothing connected with my skin.63
I opened my eyes startled, looking at the window, the shape was gone, and the window perfectly intact. Fear mixed with excitement running through my veins.64
I tried to calm my breathing and racing heart, as I stared in shock at the window, my knees becoming weak as I fell to the floor. What in Gods name was that?65
Author notes
Ok, I went from thrid person to first person...I want to know your opinion, dose it work? And just so you know, I am also going to have Chapters in both Jenn and Dylans Firsat person. So instead of Ch 1: Let’s play Good Cop, Bitchy Cop
Its now
Ch 1:Karissa-Let’s play Good Cop, Bitchy Cop
The second chapter will be called.
Ch 2: Dylan- The Ten Easy Steps to Piss off Shale’s, All Start with Karissa
And instead of it being from Karisss POV it will be told in Dylans, just as it was when it was in Third person...You will undersatnd why when I get to Crossroads, a cross over between mine and my friends novel here is the link: http://storywrite.com/story/343180 You will need to read it to get Crossroads, it is the same crime/ Fantasy as mine, but it is written differntly, and the Magick is differnt...it is very fuynny and good. You should check it out.
Other then that, I hope you enjoyed the new verson...I wont do the second chapter till I get at least One persons View.
Ps. If I left any Karissa's/Shes/ Hers where it should be I Me Or My please let me know v.v...
pps...I will be accepting editing >.> infact I want it...but I will not be editng the storyright away, the fully edited and plot edited and so on.;..will be posted Later on...but I will be checking back at the comments for the editing you wonderful people have done ^^ so please do not exspect perfectly edited chapters if you read v.v..I have two more chapters plus an epolouge untill i am finished...then I have to switch the rest of the chapters to first person, so thank y6ou for the ctritues and i will hopefully be getting full edits soon ^^
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A contest entry
- Dark Stories by Dead Beauty.
380 points, ended November 20, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - My Muse Has Abandoned Me by Atticus Unanimous.
300 points, ends November 29, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - --->Originality and Creativity by Stars-are-Blind93.
100 points, ended November 24, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fascinate me.(prompted) by YaoiQueen Killa.
400 points, ended November 23, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Dose it work?
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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taken two, half, paychecks to affrod them. Shouldn't this be two and a half? I'd love to read the full thing, but I have a date. I'll read it as soon as I can
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this needs editing...XD And thats fine ^^
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i think this part of the story works better in first person than it ever could have in third. first person adds a certain "i'm telling you this story. it actually happened" feeling which helps to increase the creepiness of it. i'm not sure if creepiness is waht you were going for, but you suceeded in raising the hairs on the back of my neck so good job.
if your looking for negative criticism then i'm going to add that i can't see a seventeen year old, witch or not, being a prvate detective. and shale seems to be a very one note character. i understand that that might be simply because Karissa veiws her that way, but she seemed slightly cartoony and out of place.
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Karissa isn;t as pirvet dective XD Mya just called her to come check things out, because Karissa would some day be a type of Privet detiective...and she likes pissing off Shales >.> wait till you get in Shjales POV...then you will see Shales in a new light ^^
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it just strikes me as odd that she's practising on the dead body of her adoptive grandmother. one would think she'd be a little more shocked.
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First person pov works fine. Karissa's character, her personality, the way she tells this part of the story, makes it work. I'm not sure I understand, but I think she is a witch who is also a private detective, and that sounds to me like a pretty good idea for a character, and should make for a good story.
Grammar is still a problem, but not nearly as much as in the other story I just read.
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She is and Earth Gauridan o.o...Mya stated that after Shal;es called her a Mage XD And no...she;s not a privet Invesigator...but Earth Gauridans have to look after their people...the Mages.
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as usual it's AWESOME!!!!!
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Ty.
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It was good!
It was a good story but it lacked soul that I know some people can put into their words, I don't know, the character didn't seem real, but it was a good piece of art and I hope to see more of it
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what can i do to fix that...
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Some parts seem to be cut out or should be included.
It is lacking the emotional connection to her teacher.
When you write in first person, avoid reality. As in don't put parts in that make the reader think your talking to them (in real life). (You've been doing this the whole time. Talking to the reader in third person when your writing in first.)
This story is very lively, it draws me in more as I read on.
Love your writing! Sorry I can't comment on them all the time.
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what do you mean cut out o.o...explain...I don;t want my storry to seem choppy v.v...and Yeah. I have gpten that whole emotional connection...and I am editing this once again...but I will wait till I am finished the whople thing...as I am having editorial break downs XD I also undersatnd why I talk in theird person >.> I am rtaking the first 18 from thrid person to firts XD They porigonals are in thrid...this was changed after chapter 18...and I am cathing up on getting the others...v.v..so I may need to be mor careful...But I have also read {The Dresden Files} where it seems like the person is talking to us...and its actully what caught my attention and made the characters seem real...and also the fact his charas were human...not human as in non vampire and stuff, because he dose have non human creatures...but he makes them seem real...and they act like real people would...and i am getting off key XD The reason i said that was because I guess i sorta did that on purpouse...because I found it helped me connect to the charcter and draw an attachment to it v.v...
o.o...thank you for the lovely comment and I under stand you can't...I look forwarsd to more comments and have an awsome day
Warm Wishes
Karbear...
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wow this was pretty dark and misterious!
the murder captures the attention, but you should try to make the beggining more dramatic or more static, so that the plot is higlighted more.
overall a good Job!
good luck in my contest!beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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The beginning is suposed to be like that, it is an opening into her character...and all she is doing is walking dopwn the street, though I am likely going to get her to think about the recent murders as she walks...because that body wasn;t the first...O.o...I dunn x.x...I still have ALOT of editing to do.
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i like the direction your taking with this story. so far so good.
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ty
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Interesting
As of now I don't know who is who or what a mage is. this must be one of those human part human storys. There are seveal misspelled words and words used the wrong way.
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o.o...a Mage is like a Wizard/Witch, only differnt...they use Magick XD Only, Wizards and Witches are differnt levels then Mages, but that dosen;t get exaplined till Cross roads ;D
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lol. well, I gotta say, very interesting story. the very beginning could be a bit more dynamic, but the murder immediately pulls a reader in. Just enough clues to leave them wanting more. And the interaction between the detective and the girl is great Not to mention the skull thingie at the end was suitably mysterious.
All in all this was pretty well done. Kudos and applause.
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thank you, that skull was an alternet ending i chose instead of the old one. And i know i still have a bit to add
I glad you like the murder scene, and Karissa and Shales are sure funny when they are togeather. I hope you read more, and thank you for the comment
Warm Wishes,
Karbear
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Dark Stories
I'm sure I read this somewhere before. I thought I did leave a comment here before hosting the contest but maybe not. I don't know. But anyway, thank you for entering my Dark Stories contest (: This is definitely one of my favourite pieces, how Karissa seems very hardcore and laid-back with the Detective, and that's how I like characters! You've got a good chance with this entry
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tyvm ^^
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omg, Dylan soo treated her like a kid!!!
This was good, as in seriously good! Just some loopholes
Firstly it sounds a bit vain if the character describes what she's wearing. It's better to describe the protagonist in third person POV than in first person POV.
Also, since Karissa knows who she's talking to, you can introduce them with their names rather than saying 'a girl' or 'a blonde'. Then you can define them.
With emotions it's a whole new game, so I won't go into that.
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Now i have to edit all your chapters all over again
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Okay, just a few that I noticed, but since I've read most of this before I skimmed some parts.
Paragraph 2: Once you say I hated being 17, it should be a new paragraph becuase she is talking about a different topic.
Paragraph 24:"and I, the mage agency or, a pain in her ass." doesn't really make sence, the wording is quite confusing. I'm not sure what exactly you are trying to say.
Paragraph 26: should be excited not existed. Also Shales should eb Shales' as it is showing possesion.
Paragraph 60 and 63: both have a she in them instead of an I.
The last thing I noticed was that especially in the beginning, there are alot of reppetitive "I"'s when you say I did this then I did that then I went here, it gets a little repetitive try to use I as a started no more than once per paragraph, get creative with your wording, I know you can.
Okay, now to the good stuff. Remember when I said that I though Ivy Save My Soul was better but I dind't know why I thought it just was more your stile. I think it was teh fact that it was 1st person and the origonal B&M wasn't. It flows much nicer and sounds a bit more .... right in first person.
Also I agree with Rae-Chelle you should describe the murder scene it seems like there is a little hole missing in this chapter without it.
I know that re-writing all or your chapters is going to be a pain in the ass but I think your story will be better for it in the end.
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eh, i know v.v...but i do in the later on chapters, in this one Shales tries to keep her as out of it as possible, and she gets there pretty darn fast... and for this line-and I, the mage agency or, a pain in her ass- the or if suposed to be for DX...but thanks for noting it for me glade you like.. chapter tewo and three are up, and chapter 16 is in same formm as this one XD
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grammar problems
an interesting read but yeah you have left a few 'her's in i think to make it more interesting you should have focused a bit more on the death rather than on the cop as it leaves me wondering quite where this is going..but otherwise..its good part from the spelling and grammar mistakes please check my stories out too as i need reviews to improve.
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Yes, i am bad at grammar, whihc is why i love it when people point them out to me
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you've still got grammar/spelling problems..
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