Chad, 11 Nov 051
Hey darlin! I'm sittin here at your grave again enjoying the peace and quiet. It's Autumn! Another season gone by without you. There is a crispness in the air today, yet the sun still beats it's warmth on me. The leaves have all changed colors and are starting to fall from the tress. I wish you were here. This time of year reminds me of you and our last moments. The moments I never realized would be our final ones. I so desperately wish you could be here right now. Face to face, for just one last conversation with me. 2
I've learned so much in this last 7 months you've been gone. Lessons that will take a life-time for me to forget. Bo-Bo got arrested on my birthday, and the boyz from Simpson County got busted too. Luckily I realized fairly quickly that there was more to life than gettin high. You know, we told ourselves that we got high to feel better, yet somehow we never realized that by getting high, we were only making ourselves worse. All in all we only isolated ourselves from the people that we cared the most for....our true friends and our families. 3
I still have my moments where I look back and wonder if you really knew how deep my feelings were for you. Deep down though I guess I know that you were aware. Some where inside along with the questions and the regret is also the admiration I have for you. You left me because you loved me. Who could ask for a love truer than that? You knew the stability I needed in life, yet you knew you couldn't give it to me. You also knew the extent I would have gone to keep you in my life. You knew that I was willing to throw my whole life away to be with you, but you loved me too much to let me. 4
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. I'm no longer angry about the way you left me, instead I look back now with relief. Although I loved you with every inch of my being, I did not love your lifestyle. You only saved me from setting myself up to be heart broken over and over again, because of the choices you knew you'd make. There is nothing in this world more honorable than that Chad. Nothing. 5
I hate that you will never be able to see the tremendous effect you have had, and have on my life. I no longer assume the people that are important to me know I love them. Instead, I tell them, and prove it on a daily basis. I bought a digital camera and take so many pictures that most get aggravated with me, yet all I can say is that I learned my lesson on April 12, 2005. I live my life completely different than the way I use to. I value the sunlight, the smell of fresh rain, and the sounds of nature. The little things in life we so often loose sight of. I guess it took loosing you for me to realize how precious every little breath I take really is. 6
For the first 5 months after your death I tried to drown myself in the sorrow. I kicked myself for the regrets and constantly asked myself the questions I knew I'd never have the answer to. These last 2 months I've learned to learn from your death. I've learned to make every experience a learning process to figure out how to make my life a brighter and happier place. I no longer feel like I'm forgetting you by not crying. Instead, I look back on our memories and laugh, trying my hardest to remember the joy I felt in each moment. As long as I am alive, the memories in my heart will keep you alive as well. 7
I love you Chad, and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. I miss you endlessly.....8
Raggedy Ann9
Author notes
If you're reading this you prolly already know the deal.
Rest In Peace Chad.......December 22, 1982 ~ April 12, 2005
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Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Sam,
Miss you too honey. Sorry to hear about Adair. You just gotta rememeber if it's meant to be then it will be, otherwise you just have to pick your head back up and go on. I know it hurts right now, but it'll get better Sam. I promise.
and 
's and 
's too,
~d
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Gypsy!!!!!! I'll always call ya Gypsy you know that right
Thank you for reading and commenting...and reminding me that all that deepness has a reason 
I've miss you sooo much!! IMing you right now....
and 's and 's too,
~d
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Dena, this is beautiful. Everything you write is beautiful. How do you do it? I miss you. I miss you. I miss Adair. I know the way you feel.
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Your deep Scorpiette feelings come through your letter to Chad. Great Job!
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Donna~
Yeah...slowly but surely I'm comin back Thank you for everything big sis I've thought about you alot!!!
and and
~d -
Tears...
Dena,
It's been a long time no write,but it good to hear that you are making a come back. Life is good again. That's great news. You know, it's been 17 years since I lost my mom and not a day goes by I don't think of her in some way. It took her death to show me that God truly is with me. I think that losing her made me realize that there is more to life than just living. Though I have struggeld through the years trying to come to terms with being the only one here when she died and blaming myself for something I had no control over.
I understand this poem very well. Keep that ink flowing, babe. It's so good to read your words once again. Love and hugs always...
Your Big Sis,
~Donna~ -
Wow. You're comment left me speechless. Thank you Keith....you are such an inspiration to me...
~d -
Emotionally Beautiful
Always remember Dena,the love you had is never lost.He took your love with him and still has it even stronger now than ever before.Don't ever be frightened of losing it.For it will always be there in your heart. It will never die.So be happy that you love, and are loved. -
I do hate to hear that...but only because you've had to suffer the pain too. I'm sorry for your losses......and thank you for the comment!
~d
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Thank you All I can say is I understand your mother...it brings a sort of comfort just being close to them. Strange I guess but I could sit for hours at his grave. Thank you for the comment and understanding
~d
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heartfelt :'(
wow! i don't know what happened, but this is obviously heartfelt and i understand your pain. i know people hate to hear that, but i do. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. Three times over, and prolly soon to be a fourth. -
Thank you for truely understanding the meaning behind the words I really have found peace in myself and with him, and it feels amazing. I really appreciate the comment
~d
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Reminds me of my mother when she visits my dad's gave. He has been gone for 46 years and she still goes out there often to talk and tell him things. She is nearly 81 and has missed him for all these years. Wonder how you will feel after this long? Good easy to read and understand write, written as if speaking, and bringing us closer to you and your sorrow.
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This was very sad to read yet beautiful at the same time. As I read your words I realise you have found a peace within and that is priceless. Thank you for sharing a part of your heart here. J
huggles
~Lena~ -
Don't cry....be happy!! Happy that I've finally realized these things, before continuing to live my life in the shadow of his suicide. I guess I've finally learned to not be sad that he's gone, to be happy I've learned the things I've learned from it. Thank you for reading and commenting!! I really appreciate it!
~d
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Oh, My, God, I'm still crying over this. I am so sorry about your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I'm so, so, sorry. I am very glad to see that things are finally starting to get better for you. I know that you will get through this with the help of your family and true friends, like you said before. I don't know what to say. I thought this was a love letter at first, and it is to some extent, but this is very sad. I can only tell you that I wish you the very best for you and for Chad.
Love,
Shari -
Thank you....I just want everyone to realize what I've realized through loosing him. Life is only what we make it ya know.
~d
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This is deep, and heartbreaking. ._.; The beginning has a bittersweet feel to it, then it just gets.. more heartfelt and sorrowful. What an expression of emotions.. this is beautiful.
~Sparrow
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