Again and Again

Red scratches, thin, but long, making their way through blue round spots, having a slight green color in them; a colorful mixture: my body, viewed in the mirror. It caused pain, but what hurt even more was my soul, when I think ‘’ How can a person, who is supposed to love you from your first day of your life, hurt you so much?’’ Thinking that, a tear ran down my face. It burned, burned my face. ‘’What did I do wrong? Maybe it wasn’t perfect what I did, but is that a reason to ruin me? For this person it seems to be one. Or would this monster have done this to me otherwise? No, it wouldn’t. But how should I explain to everyone what had happened? I never wanted anyone to know what has happened to me. Should I tell everyone? I can’t. My life would be even worse then. But an question that is even more important: ‘When will all this stop?’’ While my thoughts were with the devil, another tear ran down my face. And another. And another. I couldn’t stop the tears, every tear causing more pain, so a new tear ran down my red face. Every water drop mixing up with the blood in my face making it spread further over my face, my body.  ‘’I won’t make it, I just can’t. It’s too much for me, just too much. I’m feeling lost, it’s like being left alone in the dark, without knowing what will happen next, but you know that everything that will happen will be hard. No one understands me. No one would understand me. I’m stuck inside this world I hate. It’s like being stabbed, when you don’t expect it. I would like to just run away, away from my life. Nothing feels right’’ I started screaming…1

I find myself in a white bed. Everything around me is white, clean, unreal. Is this heaven? No, unfortunately it wasn’t. I was in hospital. I looked around me, getting a short glimpse of the monster sitting next to my bed, making me shout out loud, until a doctor came. ‘’Probably just because of the new situation in hospital!’’ He had no idea, but he would have in a few seconds. I wanted to sit upwards to tell him what happened, I was finally brave enough to tell someone what this beast did to me, but he just cared about what he needed to do and said I should stay calm until I’m better. And so I was quiet. Quiet again, not telling the truth about what has happened to me. Bad for me, but good for the monstrosity, my mother…