China

I was in Xi'an, the oldest city in China. I was on the city wall looking out at the world that lay before me. A child was riding with her mother on the back of a bicycle, laughing; bubbling happily. Her innocence was something so pure, so undefined that I couldn't help smiling myself.1

I looked to my left and saw huge skyscrapers. So tall, that it looked like the sky was bowing to it. It was completely made of glass. I wonder what it was like working there; was it tiresome to see the world? I turned my head back and closed my eyes enjoying the gentle breeze upon my face.2

A sudden noise directly in front of me made me jump. I looked down in my confused state and saw an old man in a half destroyed house. I watched with intense horror and fascination as I saw this man grab a pot and put it on top of a self made fire. He hobbled over this little fire and he grabbed some water and rice. He got up again and disappeared inside.3

While he was in his half demolished house, my mind raced. What happened to him? How did he get into this position? Wasn't there anyone to help this man? Give him a new home?4

I watched him limp back outside with his...grandson? The child was wearing diry clothes and as the old man sat down, he clambered onto his lap. I watched as the man looked so peaceful, just sitting there. In the rubble of his house.5

Then it hit me, materialistic things don't matter. Sure, it helps but it is not the core of happiness. The old man had his family and to him, that was his world. That was his happiness. And then I felt...thankful. Appreciative of all the things that I have, a home, a TV, a computer. But most of all I was most thankful for my family. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. 6

Thank you.

Author notes

Just got back from holiday in China, and saw this scene..

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Comments


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    1 day ago
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    Good morning whitefire, and welcome to Storywrite. Thank you for sharing your trip to China and this interesting scene with us .

    You have the making of a fine tale of Thanksgiving, but you will need some work.

    For one thing, even in the first person, the narrator is assuming too much knowledge. Unless you have someone tell them there is no way the narrator can know this child is the old man’s grandson; they can only assume it.

    You have a nice flow to your plot. .

    Good luck in the contest.

    Geri (Greeter)


  • Random317 gold member
    November 7

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    Thank you sharing

    It's wonderful to take a mundane moment out of someone's life and realize the meaning behind it. Everything has meaning. You observed, noticed, interpreted, and extracted the message. The contrast between the glass skyscraper and the demolished home of the elderly man was very nice. Thanks for sharing it.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • E Ardania silver member
    November 3

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    Wow... a very meaningful story that spills with emotion. It's great! I love how you've included yourself into the scene, and input your feelings and thoughts as well. The root of inspiration for this story is also very touching.

    Just a few SPaG (Spelling Punctuation and Grammar) pokes, such as the incorrect use of the [;] in the first paragraph (after [laughing]). Some words could do with some hyphenations, eg. half destroyed house --> half-destroyed house.

    Once again a uplifting read for me Well done!