James and Miller

The walls of the cellar ached with their own unbearable grey as they cracked and sighed with every passing moment. The stale air hung lazily from the dirty tiles and it moaned in boredom longing to join a breeze. In the middle of the room Miller and James sat around a small coffee table with an almost completely melted candle providing the only light in the room, creating an assortion of flickering shadows which hovered in several places around the room. They each had an almost empty cup of coffee and an almost empty packet of cigarettes. The table they sat at was small and old and it creaked sadly with the occasional shift of weight from either Miller or James. Around the room, one high and central on every wall was a closed dirty window. Miller had noticed how often James’ gaze had found itself amongst the greasy sheen that covered the openings. During these moments where James would lose himself in his thoughts, Miller took the opportunity to wallow in great hatred for his only friend. Miller felt the anger rise inside him. Anger that he didn’t want inside of him and anger that he swears he wouldn’t feel if only James would just leave him alone … Just for one day. In that one day, Miller thought, he could simply breathe again without having to make sure James was breathing. In that one day he could eat a meal or drink a glass of Irish whiskey safe in the knowledge that James was in another room and no longer a part of Miller’s existence. Miller knew that he did not hate James and in fact cared about him more than any other person who was still alive but simultaneously, the thought of another moment with that gaunt, horrifically unhealthy face would send him completely insane. After a while, they noticed how long it had been since they’d said a word to each other and James asked Miller, 1

‘What you wanna do tonight then?’. Miller sighed and swallowed but said nothing until he realised James was going to say something else. At which point Miller snappily replied, 2

‘As long as you realise that we can’t do the thing that we both know you want to do then… we can do pretty much anything you want.’3

James nodded sadly and looked at the window behind Miller. He could swear he saw a shadow fall across it but after staring for quite some time he gave up and decided to question Miller some more.4

‘Yeah I know we shouldn’t but … like’5

‘NO!’, bellowed Miller. ‘NO NO NO NO NO!!! If you so much as fucking mention it one …more …fucking time, then I will grind your ugly teeth into the ground with my fucking bootheel! Do you understand me!?’.6

James found himself unable to speak for a few seconds and for those few moments he studied Miller’s expression. His teeth were bared in anger whilst his eye brows were raised in facial juxtaposition turning what should have been a moment of fear into a moment of sheer confusion. When the power to speak returned to James he reassured Miller with the words7

‘Right…. Yeah ok I understand’. But just as Miller was about to relax in the knowledge that he would experience the short lull in the everlasting frustration that occurs for a few moments every time James finishes speaking he said ‘Miller, do you think we’re going to be alive this time next year?’ Sighing but accepting the fact that James had entered full conversation mode, Miller answered8

‘I don’t know J. There’s no way I could know that is there? But if you want me to tell you what I truly think…. I’d say that whether we’re alive or not, we wont really want to be.’ Miller was surprised when James responded instantly 9

‘We probably wont no… Do you want to be alive right now?’. James and Miller both realised then that this conversation had some sort of significance. Miller felt it could become the most disappointing epilogue to his life imaginable, whereas James settled comfortably in the thought that in some way, this conversation was to be some sort of small awakening, enabling him to stand up and start moving. After both parties had come to terms with their thoughts Miller said10

‘Right now, at this point in time I’m not anywhere near content… But you could call me satisfied’.11

‘Yeah?’ 12

‘Yeah… No… No not satisfied. Let me say that I’ve got no complaints…’ Miller sighed loudly and continued, ‘No… I have more complaints than I can count. I’m waiting James and I’ve been waiting for too fucking long. I’m waiting for things to get better.’ He seemed satisfied with his explanation and let his gaze lose focus and stared into the candlelight. With a characteristic wave of optimism James said to Miller13

‘You know what… I think they will!’ and he smiled at his friend. Millers face contorted with shocking swiftness into one of unexplainable disgust and he let the words 14

‘What! How the fuck could you know that?’ ooze from his mouth. Disappointed and upset James could only shrug and say 15

‘Sorry.’ Miller however was well into his theatrical fury and grabbed James’ right shoulder squeezing hard, rasping 16

‘Shut the fuck up you little fucking disgrace. Don’t pretend you know anything about anything because if it wasn’t for me you’d still be lost in a dream, tonguing electrical impulses from the inside of your own decaying mind.’17

‘Why do you have to bring that up!!?’ James cried as his eyes began to fill with tears but Miller caught in his own moment did not even notice as he stood to ensure he towered over James. He was making sure James knew the game, making sure he understood how it worked. In the peak of his angel Miller screamed 18

‘You shut your ugly fucking mouth right now! If you get this wrong one more time tonight I’m gonna burn your fucking eyes out! You understand!?’19

‘What? You’re going to threaten me now? What you gonna do? You gonna hurt me? Why!? I didn’t ask for any of this!’. The words leapt from his mouth before he’d even finished thinking of them. Miller’s frenzy had reached its peak and he was now fast approaching calmness. Miller sighed as he broke his fixed gaze with James and returned to his chair. He asked 20

‘Don’t you realise why I do this to you J? It’s because you fucking deserve it… You’re so fucked up and cruel that you deserve me and I’m so fucked up and cruel that I deserve you and that’s how it works. Stop questioning it. Stop crying. Stop sleeping and sighing and fucking get up and start moving.’ And as quickly as he’d began this diatribe he stopped speaking and waited intently for his companion’s reply. After a very long time James replied 21

‘I don’t think you deserve the pleasure that you take from the cruelty you show to me.’. Miller silently agreed, he shrugged and then said 22

‘I think that we both deserve to die’ before he blew out the candle surrounding the pair in darkness.23