Saving Me

Can you save me from myself? I wondered as I stared at the well put together middle aged woman sitting in the chair across from me. She had a clipboard on her lip and was smiling at me. 1

I gave her a thin lipped smile in return. I had done this therapy thing before and it hadn't been helpful. I had no high expectations this time. Basically I was here to make my mom feel more comfortable, to make her feel like my issues were being taken care of. Still in the corner of my mind that question kept replaying itself. Could this woman wiht all the fancy alphabet soup of degrees after her name, could she save me from myself?2

"So Alissa, can you tell me why you decided to work with me?"3

I shifted in my seat, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I studied Dr. Ranen carefully I took in her soft but focused green eyes, her greying brown hair swept back in a neat and practical pony tail, the way she was perched on the edge of her seat with a pen poised waiting for my response. I took one final deep breath before deciding to be honest with this woman. 4

"I need my mom to stop worrying about me so much. She treats me like I'm breakable."5

"Do you feel like she's worrying about you for no reason?" asked Dr. Ranen.6

This was the point where I had told the last three therapists that I was fine. This was the point where I would explain that I loved my life and there was nothing wrong with me. But this time was different. This time my mom wasn't really the one who had forced me to come. I was 18 now. I was the one who had signed the papers to consent for treatment. This time I was done with lying.7

"My mom has every reason to worry." I whispered.8

"Why is that?" asked Dr. Ranen. Her eyes were trained on me, she was calm but interested. 9

"I hear things. Things that other people don't hear. They're men's voices. They tell me to hurt myself sometimes."10

I paused and waited to see how Dr. Ranen reacted. 11

She nodded. 12

"Have you ever listened to these voices. Have you ever hurt yourself?" she asked in her even tone.13

I nodded and pulled up my pant legs. My calves were both covered in deep gashes and layers of them. There was still dried blood on my skin from this morning's episode.14

"I hate doing it." I told her. "It makes me feel dirty, and gross, and it hurts. I hate that burning feeling when the knife grates away my skin, but if I don't do it the voices get unbearably loud."15

I'd said too much. My heart was racing. I jumped up out of the chair I had been sitting in. I started to bolt for the door.16

"Alissa, we just started talking. We have twenty minutes left in our session." Dr. Ranen reminded me.17

"I have to go. This is wrong. I wasn't supposed to tell you all that." My words were tumbling over each other as they poured out of my mouth too fast.18

"Where are you going to go?" asked Dr. Ranen.19

"I don't know. Home. The park. Anywhere." My thoughtw were getting choppy. This had been a mistake. No one could save me from myself. I was destined to die at my own hand with the help of the voices.20

Suddenly Dr. Ranen's hand was on my shoulder.21

"I'm very worried about you 'hon," she told me. 22

"I'm worried about me too," I admitted, the physical contact of her hand on my shoulder had grounded me slightly.23

"I want to help you," she continued, "But you need to be on medication for the hallucinations.24

"Can you give me some?" I asked her. My breathing was still coming in, in pants.25

"You need to be in the hospital to start the meds," she told me. You're having serious psychotic symptoms and need to be monitored for a little while before you can safely continue treatment at home."26

I shook my head slowly comprehending what she was saying. There was no way I was going to the hospital. This was not supposed to be happening. Before I could allow Dr. Ranen to lull me into a false sense of security I had to get out.27

I ran for the door. As I made it out into the hall Dr. Ranen's voice traveled after me.28

"Come back when you're ready to work with me."29

I shook off her voice as I dashed down the stairs and broke through into the cold rainy air. Once I was outside I slowed down and gulped in the rain and fog. I walked toward the park. The rain was soaking through my close and I was cold and wet down to the bone. The voices had started their screaming again and were demanding that I die.30

My body shook with the combination of the fear and the cold. Salty tears poured down my cheeks and mixed with the rain. 31

Before becoming aware of where I was going I had arrived at the bridge over the river. The voices wer screaming to jump. I wrapped my arms around my body forming my own self-administered strait jacket. I couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to my mom. Still my feet continued dragging me closer to my death.32

I thought about the question I had asked myself when I first sat down in Dr. Ranen's office. "Can you save me froom myself?" She couldn't. I thought to myself bitterly. Then from somewhere deep inside me the thought occured to me. The reason none of the therapists had helped. No one could save me from myself. I had to save me from myself.33

Keeping my arms around myself in the makeshift strait jacket I retreated off of the bridge. With the voices still screaming in my ears I ran back toward Dr Ranen's office praying that she wasn't already with another patient. I was going to be stronger then the voices that I was terrified of. I was going to work with Dr. Ranen's reccomendation. I wasn't going to die at my own hand.34