I take the knife, slice my arm, drip drip. I take the knife, slice my leg, drip drip. Bleeding from everywhere. Bleeding from nowhere, drip drip. All the pain washes away. I fade into the darkness, drip drip. I am gone forever. Drip drip.
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I agree with the comment below: good start, but it needs to be lengthened. As a story, anyway.
As a poem it has no form whatsoever. Consider skipping lines, adding punctation, something. It has potential; it just needs a little work. -
Good start, it caught my eyes. But you need to lengthen it, because... well, the story is too short to engage the reader. But the drip drip - thing was sort of catchy.
beginning: 4.
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