Stephenie Motherfucking Meyer (your time is NOW)

Ok Stephenie, here's the thing, I have a MAJOR problem with you! Its not because the whole Twilight Saga is the most retarded thing I've ever had the displeasure to read, its the fact that you are a TERRIBLE writer. SERIOUSLY, a 5th grader with any imagination at all could do better. Its sickening that you are as successful as you are. What have you done other than make a bunch of teenage girls gaga over some sparkly, emotionless fool? You've made millions with your stupid, sappy love story that's not even good enough to grace daytime television! Lets look at the facts:1

1. Before we even get to Twilight, lets talk The Host. COMPLETE ripoff of the old Animorphs series, and I would know. I READ ALL OF THEM. You make me sick. If they make that into a movie, Ill burn your house down. The Animorphs may have been just a generic series, but at least it had some kind of excitement and kept people interested enough! you SUCK2

2. Lets move on to The Twilight saga. I wish I had four heads and hands because I would be giving you a quadruple FACEPALM because one just isnt enough! The whole story FAILS. We've got a shitty heroine, a sparkling vampire, and a sexually predatious wolf on the loose. WHAT?! I come up with better characters in my sleep. And we will go more in depth with those characters later, but first.3

3. You're series is compared to J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. Her writing is a billion times better than yours will ever be! Harry Potter is a brilliant series with twists and turns. There were so many awesome twists I didnt see coming and I love it. It has depth, it has character, those stories are TIMELESS! What is the most brilliant plot twist you have? NONE, EXACTLY! 4

4. Lets move on to the characters shall we? First we have the heroine of the story. And if you ask me, there couldn't be a worse one! SERIOUSLY, YOUNG GIRLS ARE READING THIS BOOK! Usually, you're supposed to make a heroine bright, courageous, and just generally awesome! But Bella is weak, whiny, and not even that interesting. She is constantly complaining about not being good enough for the Prince of Glitter and always depressed about something. So dark and brooding and not even in an interesting way. Stephenie Meyer, just what are you teaching young girls? That they are weak and hopeless and should depend on the man to protect and provide? WE DONT LIVE IN THE 50's ANYMORE! WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE KITCHEN AND GO EXPLORING! Bella is a boring, depressed, stupid girl and other girls are looking up to this series. Lets compare her to Harry Potter's own Hermione Granger, she might have been an insufferable know it all but damnit, at least she was fun! She was brave, and extremely intelligent. That is a girl to look up to! Let's also compare her to Blood and Chocolate's Vivian. She is a "loup garou". (Werewolf) and she is a GREAT character! She is sassy, flirty, confident, smart and wicked funny. She isn't perfect, she has a temper but damn, shes a measure better than Bella. Oh, and that name, Bella Swan? BEAUTIFUL SWAN!? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! *ugh*5

5. Lets move on to the hot topic of Twilight. Edward. A sparkling, glittery, emotionless and cold person. Do him and Bella even have anything in common? (except for being shitty characters) I even watched the movie and you know what i noticed? HIS FACE DOESNT EVEN CHANGE! SAME EXPRESSION THE WHOOOOOLE TIME! He looks so dark and angst ridden and the only reason he even likes Bella is because she smells good. Its like going out to shoot the cow you planned on eating and instead putting a rope around its neck and leading it around as a pet. Disgusting.(not that i dont like cows, just saying.) I really cant say much more about him because his character is so blank and boring.6

6. Ok, now. Jacob Black. A werewolf, shape shifter, WHATEVER. He is a sexual predator as far as im concerned. Hey, I like romance, i like sexy situations. But he just takes it too far. Poor ol dog just wants poon. gross. It would be okay if Bella were at least able to somewhat defend herself. But again we are stuck with a weak pathetic character. We go back again to Blood and Chocolate's Vivian. Being a loup garou she lives with her pack, who is mostly guys, and yeah they are very animalistic with their sexual deviance. But Vivian puts up with NONE OF IT. Shes got teeth and she will bite. Unlike Bella "OMG WOLF RAPE! SAVE ME!" and in the last book, when her daughter and jacob do that weird link shit, JACOB IS OFFICIALLY A PEDOPHILE! A GROWN WOLF GOING AFTER A BABY!? wheres the nearest wall? I need to bang my head on it for a few hours. 7

Stephenie Meyer, just stop already. You're a shame to the writing community. You make me embarrassed to admit that I like supernatural fiction. I mention it to anyone and its all of a sudden ZOMG TWILIGHT! YOU LIKE TWILIGHT!? ITS SOOOOO GREAT! no. I will be glad of the day no one remembers you or your terrible writing. Hopefully I get to see that day. Until then, go drown yourself.