Hey Grampa,1
Aunt Betty Jean was here yesterday, helping Jim with some paperwork thing. Had me make copies with my scanner, which I didn't mind doing but of course had to involve some drama. You know I don't work well when I'm rushed or have time limits, I never have and one of the things I struggle most with as far as my ADD. So she was making a big deal out of it and of course I ended up flustered. Flustered being one of the things that leads to my stuttering, I naturally stuttered in trying to explain myself. She starts mocking me, which makes it worse because I'm even more uncomfortable. I somehow force out that I can't help the stuttering and such and I got that eye roll and she made some comment insinuating I'm faking the stuttering and ADD. I wish I was. I wish I didn't have the mild stuttering. I wish I didn't have to worry about it flaring up at a bad time like when I have to be around a lot of people. 2
I wish I didn't have to deal with the ADD either. At least the concentration part. The energy I like, especially seeing that I've been working so hard for so long. I don't remember the last time I took a true day off. If I took one off, I was always working on a project of some sort. That part doesn't bother me so much. I don't mind the insane work load and lack of real rest. It bugs me that I'm so insanely stressed and no one around here ever seems to notice. Grandma doesn't even seem to notice. I was having those meltdowns at the end of last semester, and the only people who noticed were my online family. I'm scared grampa. I'm getting to that part of the semester and I'm exhausted and cracking. If things don't go right, I know I'll crash even harder than last time (and I crashed hard) because there's more going on this time. 3
I hate having to work this hard, but I'm under so much pressure because I have to get it right. One little mistake and I go back to being a loser. That comment yesterday made me start wondering. Do they still see me the same way, like maybe the last two years were flukes. I know it's not a fluke, you know it too. But you know how they are with their crazy views on things. Even gramma now is starting to get a little nit picky. Mostly over my room, but I don't have time to clean it. I hate the mess, but I figure there are other things more important than that annoying laundry pile. 4
It all boils down to the fact that they don't seem to notice how much I'm trying to balance and how hard I'm working on those things. They still think I'm dreaming beyond my means. To top it all off, they think I'm nuts because I have a family on the side that mainly consists of Internet people. That's nuts because "they're probably stalkers and people who want to kidnap and murder me." Funny, I feel safer with the alleged nuts than the can of Planters I've been around for the last 23 years.5
Geez I miss you. I know you'd be proud and stuff, and even though you never really said it with words, I could always tell by the look in your eyes. I really wish I could see you say you're proud of me. You kept me sane when things got crazy around here. I do not look forward to Thanksgiving this year because it's the anniversery of you leaving and I know I'm not allowed to show emotion around Aunt Betty Jean. I can't even stutter, and I know that there's a very good chance of that happening that day. These are the moments where I really wish I was in the van with you when it happened and I didn't have to go through this crap.6
Author notes
Things here are crazy, and I could really use grampa around here to talk to. He actually listened to me. I know most of my readers would listen and I love ya, but it's not quite the same.
I do not think y'all are nuts. That's what they said. Besides, if you kidnap me or murder me; you'd probably be doing me a favor. 
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Yeah, I know I'm stong...I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
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Terr I have been were you are with one big differance, you have a whloe case of asorted nuts to support you, all I had was a small handful of nuts.
But truthfuly I have faith in you, you are one of the strongest people I know. I know you can do what ever you set your mind to.
I love you
Kat
Edited on Dec 03, 3:27 p.m. because ''. -
It's weird, today's actually a good day. I'm usually a grump all month long and I've had this smile on my face all day long for no reason at all. It's really weird too because my throat is burning like crazy and I got a D on my last stats test.
No, I won't quit. I'm a hard ass like that, hanging out with grampa so much turned me into a stubborn ol' coot. I've refered to myself as the Human Timex...take a beating and keeps on ticken. I might get overwhelmed, but I'm not going down anytime soon.
Thanks dear. I love you too. As far as the kidnaping though, you're going to have to fight that one out with your mom. Just don't let me end up in Yem's "special closet." -
Oh and, as mom said; when and where and I will definitely kidnap you!
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Dear, I know that life is the pits for you sometimes; and your "family" doesn't help much at all, but I hope you know that on Thanksgiving and any other time, I am here for you. If you need to call me and show me your emotion and stutter on the phone, that's perfectly fine. I stutter too. Just ask Gabe; he's witnessed it. But dear, I know that things will get better. Remember that; when you feel you are so far down, the only way to go is up.
But, dear, I know that your grampa is very proud of you and I know that he will always be proud of you. Just hold onto that bit.
I love you so much my dear. I will always love you and I will always be here for you. I'm proud of you for writing this; I know it must have been a hard thing to do. But not only that; I'm proud of you for still pushing on; You never came across as the type to quit, but even the toughest of the tough lose their motivation at some point. I would have long ago; but you haven't. That's so great love.
Keep it up and if you need anything, call me, email me, slap me upside the head, whatever!
Much love
Jess -
I know dear. Thanks for putting up with my whining the last couple days.
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Oh my gosh, I am FemYem. That's exactly why the clothes are residing on the floor and no one hears from my first adopted ma.
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I love you too. No you don't love me more than grandpa, but you love me just as much as he did.
I know your out there, I can tell like that. It's like I feel something more than grampa there.
I also know I'll do fine. I'm used to being this fragged out, I just hope it won't get to the point where I'm so exhausted I can't swallow like last Christmas. I don't give up. I know when to walk away, but you know that it's always a painstaking decision to do so when it comes down to that because I hate quitting so much.
Soon enough dear, those hugs will be real. Next June probably because I WILL graduate in May. At which point you'd say, "Get off me ya big lug," and wish they were AP hugs.
You're my best friend dear, and I love you to pieces. Granted that might be literal once you get a BearHug in person. LOL -
awww... This is really sad!!! It's a great letter though because it is so emotional!!! Just remember, I'm here for you!!!
Hugs,
Beth -
That's nuts because "they're probably stalkers and people who want to kidnap and murder me." You've found me out! I have a collection of hundreds of people I keep in my closet. lol
You have a bunch of wackos that sound a lot like mine. I have never been able to compleely escape them, though age has its advantages there. Sorry about the insanity. Try to block them out and concentrate on your studies. If you fail they;ll love to talk about it...don't let them.
That Patricia is one cool lady, I'll toss in my support wishes that things were different.
I'm building a new closet, I'll be at your place in an hour to kidnap you.
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My Sweet TerrBear, I'm going to do you a really big favor and send you to a special website. www.expage.com/vurockdudesiderata If you read this and really listen to the words, it will change your life. It helped to change mine.
As far as kidnapping you, tell me when and where. I would take you away from there so fast your head would spin until I hugged you enough to make it stop.
I know you're scared, Sweetie, but you're strong and smart. Every semester has this point where everyone feels anxious and they think they'll break, but they don't. You'll do just fine, and you'll come back here and share your wonderful news with your family and friends. And we will rejoice with you at your achievements!
You are so loved that you should feel it all around you even when you're alone. I know that your Grandmother loves you, but she's feeling great pressure and insecurity right now. Just hug her when she starts to nitpick, and tell her you love her. It will make her feel better.
There are people on AP who adore you. Ask anyone for a hug or a smile, and you'll receive many. You don't have to ask me. I already know what you need... I will love you more than anyone else will-except your Grandfather. He loved you unconditionally, and I do too. I can't say that my love for you can compare, but I will do my very best to always let you know how truly loved you are.
I know that you go outside and step up on the back bumper of Silver to be just a little closer to Grandpa, and he knows you do. Do you know that I'm there with you sometimes. I stand out on my patio and look up at the stars wondering which one Grandpa is on. Then I imagine that you may be out there too, just looking for him. That bright star is up there waiting for you to simply pluck it from the sky.
Remember this; your Grandpa wouldn't want you to give up. He knows it's sometimes hard for you, but he also knows you aren't one to give up. You are one of the most incredibly dedicated young women I know, and I am so very proud of you. I'd like to just take you in my arms and remind you of just how loved you are. Until then, you have these: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! Now, you get out there and kick some butt-no stuttering allowed! You can do anything, my beautiful TerrBear! Love, Patricia ♥ 
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