Nikki hates her life

I escaped into the loud beat of the music, my ear drums felt like they were bleeding but I didn’t care. I took a deep drag of my cigarette letting the nicotine spread through me like an elixir – it was euphoric. The bottles of jack Daniels’ that lay strewn across my apartment floor started to blur as I tried to count them. I was very, very drunk. 1

The drink, the music, the alcohol were my attempts at escaping a world that I had let myself built. I had wanted, to act, to model to be as famous as humanly possible and now, I was reaping in both the benefits and the disasters of that that kind of life provides. 2

Magazines and newspapers accompanied my bottles of jack. I stumbled to my cupboard to receive another and started to drink hungrily. The music blasted and I tried to concentrate on the music and the taste of the cigarette on my tongue. 3

There was a banging that was not part of the beat; I was surprised I could hear anything at all. I was hoping to die in this room, undisturbed and incapacitated by nicotine and alcohol. I stepped on bottles as I stumbled to the door. 4

It was my fellow actor, Kyle. He looked me over in his usual disgusted glare. We had never got on, I had replaced his friend and actress Adrianna in the role I know played, and hated. He had told me many times that I could never act as well as her, and that I was stupid to even think I could. I was wearing pyjama shorts and a rock n roll t-shirt; my hair had been recently washed but not dried or combed. 5

Because I was drunk, my usual begs for him to leave me alone had dissolved. I leant against the door, trying to act confident. I licked my lips as the silence continued; he was by all rights, drop –dead – gorgeous. 6

“Hey sexy” I whispered, taking a drag of my cigarette. He looked me over again and pushed past me into my apartment. “Excuse me...” I slurred and started to flip through my CDs. I pressed play and waited as he watched me. 7

“Well what do you want then sugar?” I picked up my bottle of jack and started to glug it down. He lunged at me, dragging the bottle from my mouth and holding me at arm’s length. 8

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he shouted, he reminded me of my dad. I laughed loudly into his face, until he released me. I understood his question after a few more hiccupping giggles and replied. 9

“You know what’s wrong with me baby, you remind me everyday” I lit another cigarette because he had knocked my other one out of my hand. “Oh I'm so sorry, I'm being rude would you like one?” I held out the lit cigarette. He looked into my eyes whilst he took it, then he stubbed it out on the overflowing ashtray. 10

“Cut the crap Nikki” he snapped, and I motioned my fingers in a cutting action. He didn’t laugh. “What has happened to you?” he sounded devastated. I laughed and took a drag of my cigarette. For some reason my feet had pins and needles and the room was starting to spin. I wanted him out of my apartment; he was reminding me of reality. 11

I decided to play aloof. “I’ve been here, just...” I bit my lip “relaxing, you know...mellowing out” I turned up the music, hoping he’d just leave but there was a ripping sound and the music stopped. 12

“You fucking dick!” I shrieked. He had pulled the top half of the CD player off, to leave the CD spinning pointlessly. “Why did you do that?” my voice sounded too loud, it was the first time I had been in silence for a few days. 13

“So you would listen to me. This shit has got to stop, do you hear me?” he was roaring, his voice hurt my ears. It was so painful I covered my ears when I spoke14

“Why the fuck do you care? What difference does it make to you?”15

I took a drag of my cigarette trying to ignore the pain in my ears, I started to cough uncontrollably. My body was weak, the coughs took every ounce of energy from me and not very gracefully I fell to the floor. I laughed at how funny I imagined that to look and then remembered Robert’s presence. 16

I wasn’t sure whether he had answered or not, he was watching me. “You’ve missed four days of filming” he voice was grave, and reeking with disappointment. I rolled my eyes at him and stood up, leaning against the wall. I had stubbed out my cigarette and burnt a hole in my furry rug. I re-lit the cigarette. 17

“Wow, is that how long it’s been?” that was an honest question. 18

“Yes, now get yourself cleaned up unless you want to be fired” he made a motion to leave of which I was thankful but before I could stop myself I replied. 19

“I do want to be fired” he turned to face me, “you know I do, so why would you even bother warning me? What do you think I’ve been doing here you stupid prick” I wasn’t angry, I spoke calmly. 20

“So, what? You’re just giving up because you’ve ran out of your sarcastic bitchy comments?” 21

“Exactly” I smiled in agreement, pointing the cigarette my finger was holding into his face. He looked very angry, but I couldn’t have cared less. 22

“Pathetic” he spat but he didn’t move. He just watched that comment mutilate my face until I was able to hide it with a drag of my cigarette. 23

I started to cry. Not loud, hysteric tears. But hot tears just started to leak from my eyes as he watched me. This man hated me very much, yet he knew me so well. 24

“Why do you care? You’ve hated me from the word ‘go’, from day one you’ve explained how I'm not good enough for the part I had to play” I hit my hand across my forehead to shut myself up but my mouth wouldn’t co-operate. “You hate me, so why are you here trying to rouse me from my perfectly happy state?”25

“You have got a job to do...so stop feeling so god damn sorry for yourself and get on with it”26

“I thought you’d be happy about me not coming to work” I sniffed and coughed again, before opening another bottle of jack. I saw the warning in his eyes but ignored him, this time pouring it into a glass and taking gentle sips. My tongue was numb to the taste, I drank it like water. 27

“And why would you think that exactly?” he leant against the wall beside me, I was staring into space when I felt warm fingers envelope mine and then the glass of jack was being taken out of my hand Robert had drained the rest.28

“Oh come on, don’t treat me like an idiot. I know you hate me; you know that I know that...” I poured more drink into the glass in his hand and took it. He didn’t object but watched me drain the glass. 29

“I do not hate you...what is wrong with you?” 30

Hadn’t he already asked that? I stubbed my cigarette into the empty glass and watched tiny blue flames dance around the bottom as the ashes burnt away the dregs of whiskey, the crystal illuminated the effect. 31