1
I never thought my friend, who I had known since I was a child, would die such a terrible and slow. Maki—that was her name—was one of those sweet people where she’d never get mad at you for anything. She was the only person who would stick up for me when we were outside of our dojo*. 2
I never did know my family. My sensei* told me when I turned fourteen that he had found me on the front porch when I was about one month old. The same thing had happened to Maki, except she was one week old. So my sensei and Maki were my only family. Maki was like my older sister—she was a year older than me—but she was also my best friend. My sensei was like an older brother to me. 3
The night Maki died, I was waiting up for her in our dojo room. We would always practice stuff together. I was really starting to worry, but I figured that she got in a verbal fight with Naruto* or Sakura*. But when I just started to pace around, Sensei came in a big panic. 4
“What’s up?” I asked. 5
“It’s Maki—she’s not good. Not good at all,” he told me. “On her way back, she got into a fight with something, something not human, and—and it beat her almost to death.” 6
I had to grab the ledge of a window to keep myself from fainting. Sensei’s black hair was glistening. It only did that when something was bad. That confirmed Maki wasn’t good. 7
“She’s still alive, though, right?” I asked. 8
“Yes, she is, but she’s almost gone,” Sensei told me. “You want to see her? She’s at the hospital down the street.” 9
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“Okay, sign here,” the red-haired nurse told me. “And here. Here. And here. Okay, you can go in now.” 11
“Maki!” I exclaimed. I walked over to where she was laying down. She didn’t have much more life in her, I could tell. 12
Her appearance now really scared the hell out of me. Her once blonde hair was stained with blood, her once snake green eyes were surrounded with red instead of white, and her once pale body was bruised and bloody. 13
She looked at me very weakly. “*Aria?” she asked. Her voice was weak. I could tell it hurt for her to speak. 14
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “It’s me.” 15
“Ari…I don’t…know what…happened to…me. All I remember is getting trapped and then…ending up here.”16
“It’s okay. You’re going to be fine,” I lied. 17
Even on her deathbed, she was sweet. She wasn’t freaking out like most people would. 18
She barely moved an inch to try to sit up. “Ow!” She made it to a sitting position, but she looked more and more weaker when she moved. “Look…I want you…to have my bracelet,” she told me, struggling to take off the gold bracelet she never took off. 19
I shook my head. “Uh-uh. No way, Maki, I can’t take it,” I said. 20
“Listen to me, please, Aria. I…want you…to have it. Just in case…I don’t make it…out of here.” 21
“Maki, I—”22
“Please. Aria, please.” She softly stuck it in my hand. 23
“Alright, fine,” I said, putting it on my wrist and sniffling. 24
“Don’t bother…lying to me, freckle-face… I already know I’m not going to make it out of here,” Maki told me.25
She called me freckle-face because my face was infused with a lot of freckles. 26
“Maki—” I started. 27
“Don’t.” She sighed and then made a painful look. Running her fingers through my blonde hair, she said, “Look, I…I know that…you’re going to miss…me when I leave, but…remember that I’ll…always be with you…spiritually and in your… heart. Do not give…up on your powers.” 28
“Maki, good God, please, stop talking! You’re scaring me like hell! Please…” I begged. 29
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“How is she doing?” Sensei asked. 31
We were standing outside of Maki’s hospital room. She was trying to sleep. 32
“Not good,” I said. “She’s going soon.” I looked at him. “I can sense it—no, I can feel it. And it hurts. It hurts a lot.” 33
“Couldn’t you just…help her go peacefully?” 34
I shook my head. “My powers wouldn’t let me. They know how much I love Maki. They wouldn’t let me do it for anybody, especially if they know the person suffering requested it.” I sighed and then gasped. “What if that thing that got Maki came after you?!” 35
“Cinder, don’t think that,” Sensei told me. “Ever. I’m the strongest at the dojo. It wouldn’t be able to get me without a long and hard fight.” 36
I calmed down. My face was heating up and I started to hurt a lot. “Ow,” I said. 37
“‘Ow’?” Sensei asked, looking at me. 38
“Ow!” I clutched my stomach and immediately it went away. It was so extreme I fainted, minus the unconscious thing. I was fine, but I couldn’t stand straight or anything. 39
“Cinder, you okay?” Sensei asked. 40
“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I—” I started, but the IV that was keeping Maki alive went off. I stood up and stared off into space. This usually meant I was having visions. And I was. 41
I was ignoring the nurses and doctors looking for a pulse on Maki. When I was showing signs of freaking out, Sensei smacked the back of my head to bring me back to reality. 42
“Thanks,” I muttered, looking into Maki’s room. “She’s gonna be happier when she’s gone.”43
“Don’t say that, Aria!” Sensei demanded. “You don’t know she’s not going to make it out of here.” 44
I sighed. “Sensei, she already knows. She told me not to lie to her because she knows.” 45
“Hey, you, uh, Aria,” the redhead nurse said to me. 46
“What?” I snapped. 47
“Your friend would like to see you before she… You know.” 48
Maki looked worse now. Her breathing had become heavier. She was going soon. 49
“Aria,” she said, holding my hand as tight as she could. “Aria, listen to me. It’s about Sakura and Naruto.” 50
“What about them?” I asked. 51
“I know… I know you three don’t get along…” 52
You got that right, I thought. 53
“But…” she continued, “I want you to…try to get along…with them.”54
“But they’re my…!” 55
“Please. Try. For me. Okay?” 56
…enemies… I thought. They’re my enemies! 57
I squinted, sighed and said, “All right.”58
Maki made a painful look, her eyes closed, and her hand slipped from mine. The IV went off again, but I kicked it so it would shut up. I rested my head on the side of the bed and cried my eyes out.59
“Aria,” Sensei said, pulling me into a hug. 60
“I knew she was going to die, but it still hurts like crazy…” I said, sniffling. 61
“It’s okay, Aria. She’s in a better place now. Come on. We have to go.” 62
*Dojo=a place that teaches students how to do Karate, Martial Arts, Judo, Kendo and Tai Chi. 63
*Sensei=the Japanese name for a teacher. 64
*Naruto=a character from the manga/anime Naruto. A fifteen-year-old ninja; One of Aria’s enemies.65
*Sakura=the Japanese name for a cherry tree. Also a name of a character from the manga/anime Naruto. A fifteen-year-old ninja; One of Aria’s enemies. 66
*Aria=a name I made up for one of the main characters. Pronounced “R-E-A”67
I never thought my friend, who I had known since I was a child, would die such a terrible and slow. Maki—that was her name—was one of those sweet people where she’d never get mad at you for anything. She was the only person who would stick up for me when we were outside of our dojo*. 2
I never did know my family. My sensei* told me when I turned fourteen that he had found me on the front porch when I was about one month old. The same thing had happened to Maki, except she was one week old. So my sensei and Maki were my only family. Maki was like my older sister—she was a year older than me—but she was also my best friend. My sensei was like an older brother to me. 3
The night Maki died, I was waiting up for her in our dojo room. We would always practice stuff together. I was really starting to worry, but I figured that she got in a verbal fight with Naruto* or Sakura*. But when I just started to pace around, Sensei came in a big panic. 4
“What’s up?” I asked. 5
“It’s Maki—she’s not good. Not good at all,” he told me. “On her way back, she got into a fight with something, something not human, and—and it beat her almost to death.” 6
I had to grab the ledge of a window to keep myself from fainting. Sensei’s black hair was glistening. It only did that when something was bad. That confirmed Maki wasn’t good. 7
“She’s still alive, though, right?” I asked. 8
“Yes, she is, but she’s almost gone,” Sensei told me. “You want to see her? She’s at the hospital down the street.” 9
жжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжжж10
“Okay, sign here,” the red-haired nurse told me. “And here. Here. And here. Okay, you can go in now.” 11
“Maki!” I exclaimed. I walked over to where she was laying down. She didn’t have much more life in her, I could tell. 12
Her appearance now really scared the hell out of me. Her once blonde hair was stained with blood, her once snake green eyes were surrounded with red instead of white, and her once pale body was bruised and bloody. 13
She looked at me very weakly. “*Aria?” she asked. Her voice was weak. I could tell it hurt for her to speak. 14
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “It’s me.” 15
“Ari…I don’t…know what…happened to…me. All I remember is getting trapped and then…ending up here.”16
“It’s okay. You’re going to be fine,” I lied. 17
Even on her deathbed, she was sweet. She wasn’t freaking out like most people would. 18
She barely moved an inch to try to sit up. “Ow!” She made it to a sitting position, but she looked more and more weaker when she moved. “Look…I want you…to have my bracelet,” she told me, struggling to take off the gold bracelet she never took off. 19
I shook my head. “Uh-uh. No way, Maki, I can’t take it,” I said. 20
“Listen to me, please, Aria. I…want you…to have it. Just in case…I don’t make it…out of here.” 21
“Maki, I—”22
“Please. Aria, please.” She softly stuck it in my hand. 23
“Alright, fine,” I said, putting it on my wrist and sniffling. 24
“Don’t bother…lying to me, freckle-face… I already know I’m not going to make it out of here,” Maki told me.25
She called me freckle-face because my face was infused with a lot of freckles. 26
“Maki—” I started. 27
“Don’t.” She sighed and then made a painful look. Running her fingers through my blonde hair, she said, “Look, I…I know that…you’re going to miss…me when I leave, but…remember that I’ll…always be with you…spiritually and in your… heart. Do not give…up on your powers.” 28
“Maki, good God, please, stop talking! You’re scaring me like hell! Please…” I begged. 29
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“How is she doing?” Sensei asked. 31
We were standing outside of Maki’s hospital room. She was trying to sleep. 32
“Not good,” I said. “She’s going soon.” I looked at him. “I can sense it—no, I can feel it. And it hurts. It hurts a lot.” 33
“Couldn’t you just…help her go peacefully?” 34
I shook my head. “My powers wouldn’t let me. They know how much I love Maki. They wouldn’t let me do it for anybody, especially if they know the person suffering requested it.” I sighed and then gasped. “What if that thing that got Maki came after you?!” 35
“Cinder, don’t think that,” Sensei told me. “Ever. I’m the strongest at the dojo. It wouldn’t be able to get me without a long and hard fight.” 36
I calmed down. My face was heating up and I started to hurt a lot. “Ow,” I said. 37
“‘Ow’?” Sensei asked, looking at me. 38
“Ow!” I clutched my stomach and immediately it went away. It was so extreme I fainted, minus the unconscious thing. I was fine, but I couldn’t stand straight or anything. 39
“Cinder, you okay?” Sensei asked. 40
“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I—” I started, but the IV that was keeping Maki alive went off. I stood up and stared off into space. This usually meant I was having visions. And I was. 41
I was ignoring the nurses and doctors looking for a pulse on Maki. When I was showing signs of freaking out, Sensei smacked the back of my head to bring me back to reality. 42
“Thanks,” I muttered, looking into Maki’s room. “She’s gonna be happier when she’s gone.”43
“Don’t say that, Aria!” Sensei demanded. “You don’t know she’s not going to make it out of here.” 44
I sighed. “Sensei, she already knows. She told me not to lie to her because she knows.” 45
“Hey, you, uh, Aria,” the redhead nurse said to me. 46
“What?” I snapped. 47
“Your friend would like to see you before she… You know.” 48
Maki looked worse now. Her breathing had become heavier. She was going soon. 49
“Aria,” she said, holding my hand as tight as she could. “Aria, listen to me. It’s about Sakura and Naruto.” 50
“What about them?” I asked. 51
“I know… I know you three don’t get along…” 52
You got that right, I thought. 53
“But…” she continued, “I want you to…try to get along…with them.”54
“But they’re my…!” 55
“Please. Try. For me. Okay?” 56
…enemies… I thought. They’re my enemies! 57
I squinted, sighed and said, “All right.”58
Maki made a painful look, her eyes closed, and her hand slipped from mine. The IV went off again, but I kicked it so it would shut up. I rested my head on the side of the bed and cried my eyes out.59
“Aria,” Sensei said, pulling me into a hug. 60
“I knew she was going to die, but it still hurts like crazy…” I said, sniffling. 61
“It’s okay, Aria. She’s in a better place now. Come on. We have to go.” 62
*Dojo=a place that teaches students how to do Karate, Martial Arts, Judo, Kendo and Tai Chi. 63
*Sensei=the Japanese name for a teacher. 64
*Naruto=a character from the manga/anime Naruto. A fifteen-year-old ninja; One of Aria’s enemies.65
*Sakura=the Japanese name for a cherry tree. Also a name of a character from the manga/anime Naruto. A fifteen-year-old ninja; One of Aria’s enemies. 66
*Aria=a name I made up for one of the main characters. Pronounced “R-E-A”67
Author notes
Aria: http://i400.photobucket.com/albums/pp89/blu3skittles/anime/esmeranda.jpg
Maki: http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n251/WhopperBoy/anime/blonde-anime-girl2.png
Sensei: http://i704.photobucket.com/albums/ww43/tekaheart/Animeboyblackhair.jpg
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Comments
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A bit confusing
on the sensei conversations but it read smoothly
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Yeah, most people get confused on those. lol
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good


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Well written, easy to follow the story and feel the pain
#1 would die such a terrible and slow. (Not complete)
25/26 (Usually someone is called freckle-face because they have them. Not wrong but redundent. Twenty six is probably not needed?)
Confused. In #34 sensei is asking her to relieve her suffering then in 43/44 he is suddenly sympathic to Maki's plight and chews her out for a comment? Then in #62 he says almost the same thing she did.
In #59 and ealier you mention IV going off. Suggest you might change to the Monitor? The IV goes off when the flow of fluid going through it is intrupted. Usually meaning it is kinked or empty. The Monitor does BP, heart rate and other vitals.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.



