Vampire Vs. Vampiress: Ch. 1: Sampson


VAMPIRE VS. VAMPIRESS:1

CH. 1: SAMPSON:2

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APRIL'S POV:5

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I am a vampire, I kill people. I love drinking their delicious blood. I never wanted to be one, but someone turned me into it. He doesn't have a name, but I remember his face perfectly. I'll never forget his gleaming red eyes, his slicked back black hair, but mostly I'll never forget his thundering evil voice. He turned me into what I am today, a monster, killing innocent people. I can never love, never marry, or have children. Just kill, kill, and kill. I try to save my victims, but I never succeed. It's not my fault, I usually try to kill the people less missed, like criminals, but they're decreasing by day. Anyway, you must be thinking I'm horrible, but I'm not. After reading this story, you'll realize you're wrong about me, I'm just as good as you are. 8

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NORMAL POV:10

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April was done with her hunting, when she she heard a scream, coming from an alley. She decided to go investigate, she saw a robber and a man, who looked about 18 or 20. The robber looked to be in his mid 30s. She creapt up to the robber and hit him in the head with a rock. The robber fell to the ground unconsious, he wasn't bleeding, which was good for April. When the boy saw her, he looked stunned. She was starting to leave, the boy quickly got up and brushed himself off, then ran up to April and said, "Hey, wait! Thanks!" 13

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"Don't mention it." April replied simply. 15

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"Well, what's your name?" he asked.17

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"April." 19

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"My name's Sampson." 21

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April started walking again and Sampson followed her. 23

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"Are you planning on following me home?" joked April. 25

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"No, my house's this way." he responded. They both walked in silence, until Sampson started the conversation. 27

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"So, what's a girl like you, doing out on a night like this?" 29

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"Are you trying to flirt with me?" she asked. 31

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"Well, is it working?" he asked. April laughed and said, "I gotta a boyfriend." 33

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That wasn't true, April was single, she couldn't risk her secret being exposed. Even though no one could do anything about it, she just wanted to fit in. Don't we all? 35

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As soon as Sampson got into his house, April raced away. She lived up on buildings. When Sampson saw that April was gone, he went upstairs into a room. Someone was waiting there for him. As soon as he went inside, without turning around, the man spoke, "So, how was your day? Did you meet anyone special?" 37

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"Yes master. I met someone very special. April." he replied. 39

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"Good. Do you know what you're doing tomorrow?" he spoke again.41

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"Yes master. I know exactly what to do tomorrow." Sampson and the mysterious man chuckled.  44

Author notes

THIS IS MY 1ST VAMPIRE STORY, SO IT MIGHT NOT B THAT GREAT!!!!!
BTW: SAMPSON ISN'T HIS REALLY NAME!!!!!! U'LL FIND OUT HIS REAL NAME SOON!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
I WAS GONNA MAKE THIS A STORY, BUT THEN IT WOULD B AN EXTREAMLY LONG STORY!!!!!!=)

In a list

A contest entry

IS THERE SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT SAMPSON?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments


  • E Ardania silver member
    November 20
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    Edit | Reply
    Simply from the title, I am going to guess that Sampson is also a vampire. I don't know if I'm right or I'm wrong, but it doesn't matter.

    This is a great set-up chapter for the story. It has the basic foundations to planting the seedling of a plot. You have yet to develop the problem, but I'm sure you will in upcoming chapters.

    I especially liked the first section where you wrote from April's point of view an introduction of sorts. It gives the story root and some background detail, which is good as it doesn't leave the reader confused or lacking in knowledge.

    Some minor layout issue: although there are little 'line numbers', remember - new line per new speaker. Don't mush up all the dialogue into one paragraph. Take advantage of single-line spacing!

    Another problem is the inconsistent usage of [,] and [.] when you're writing your dialogue. Always use a [,] when you're following the spoken words up with ... said or ... asked, etc., unless you've used a [?] or a [!]. You've done some of these correctly, and others not.
    --> ["No, my house's this way." he responded.] --> "No, my house's this way," he responded.

    But anyway, it was a nice, short read. You have given the base details of the plot so far - great as it keeps the reader interested. I'm not a big fan of vampires etc. but you have me liking your story! Well done, and good luck in the contest.


  • Rorshach gold member
    November 16
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    Edit | Reply
    I found this to be a really cute little story. Everything was explicitly stated. Like a can of beans. It says beans on the tin, you open it and you get beans. what more could you ask for?


  • Serenity Blackheart
    November 15
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    Edit | Reply
    hmmmm.... quite good for your first attempt at vampires... so you get a cookie! ^^ Um, I want to say, that you should add more details, or be a little bit more descriptive of what is happening. I don't want to say exactly what to do, 'cause this is your story... not mine. ^^; Good job, and thanks for entering!

  • Reigning Fire
    November 8

    Edit | Reply
    The dialogue could use some work, because whenever someone new speaks you must,must,must start a new paragraph. It was an interesting beginning to a story, but more description would help.