We used to look at each other from across the room.1
Desperate longing had never seemed so polite.2
You with your raven hair that framed a face of exotic beauty.3
Me with my hang-ups and fear of the world.4
We arranged accidental meetings and talked about the emptiness.5
“You up to anything this weekend Mark?”6
“No, nothing really. Going to the cinema to see the new Iron Man movie.” 7
“You?”8
“Nothing really.”9
“Oh, seeya next Monday.”10
“Yeah, seeya.”11
So we left the office, going home in our little cars.12
Drinking by ourselves, and thinking of each other.13
Looking forward to Monday, and a glance from twenty paces.14
A chat about Kerouac, and a debate on Brett Ellis.15
So I borrowed your book, and read the loneliness that you lived with.16
It scared me to realise that I was looking at myself.17
So I backed off, and did what I always do.18
Sitting by myself during lunchtime.19
Sleeping in my car.20
Head down, no time for the pleasures of real life.21
Always too busy when time was all I had.22
A full stop, no reason given.23
You left, to work in a Chinese classroom.24
I quit my job, and carried on writing.25
Today, I saw you again.26
Back in Swindon, two years after the office.27
Beautifully sad, and still all alone.28
Author notes
Aint I a rotter?
A contest entry
- Poetry invasion round 4 (gimme all your lovin...) by DemApples.
160 points, ended November 1, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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You are no rotter, man. You have art stretching out of your fingertips and the whole two halves of your brain spilling and pushing you on to write this lovely tale.
How dare you think low of yourself (lol, "we are our own critics").
I loved it, simply loved it. Btw...two alones make a duo, which is not so alone after all. 
I absolutely ♥ the two strangers just meeting...even though they've seen each other more frequently than not.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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***** Five Stars!
This is awesome! I found myself singing it, it's so great! My favorite line is the last one: "Beautifully sad, and still all alone." It is a terrific thing. I don't think there's anything I could change about this. The beginning is delightful, because it's an ambiguous lead in, followed by a captivating middle, and an open-to-interpretation end. That's how I like poems to end. Like I said, I don't think there's a thing I could change.
Great job!
~Heart Breakee~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I feel really proud that women have always rejected me. I must be a nice guy after all.
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I really get the sense of longing, emptiness, sadness, even fear, as i read this. Anyone who has ever felt these things, regardless of their life situation, should relate to this. Skillfully crafted from the words you carefully selected and put in order. You say just enough without saying too much.
One little thing: Iron man should be Iron Man.
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I can't believe I made a mistake on Iron Man. He's my favourite Marvel super-hero character of all time.
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beautiful.....
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Beautiful. I have to say my favourite part are these lines:
"So I borrowed your book, and read the loneliness that you lived with.
It scared me to realise that I was looking at myself."
Wonderful use of words.
~Mab
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Thank you for your kind comments Queen Mab.
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I must say that this is avery lovely piece of work. Beautifully crafted, and it spoke straight to my heart. It's a very strong piece that is reader friendly, good job.
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I enjoyed reading this. your words filled me with a deep sadness.
A few suggestions, nothing major.
line 4 I don't think needs a comma before that.
line 18 I don't think it needs a comma before that.
line 23 should be "too" and not to.
Your poetyr is lovely
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Very kind of you. Thanks for the corrections.
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Always to busy, when time was all I had.23 was one of my favorite lines.
I liked this piece.
I agree with Bluemoon, theres something I wanna say but I dont know how to say it. lol
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Curious Dynamic
Good description of isolation self imposed, the mental barriers, and polite social fencing. But as always the intellect see through the personal posing. At some point, it will spur positive action, personal growth? The dance is delicious.
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this is sad gives me sniffles
Drinking by ourselves, and thinking of each other.14
i like this line its beautifully truthful -
Aww, sad... I liked the simplicity in this, it kind of mirrors the simplicity of the character's lives. Don't know what else to say... So I'll communicate my liking for this through clappies
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So sad. It seemed kinda routine. The conversations and actions; it seemed monotone, I guess. I don't know how to say what I want to say. lol. But good work as always!
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this really pulled me in. amazing job. great work
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p4; "You with your raven hair, that framed a face of exotic beauty." I could be wrong, but I don't think it needs the comma
Same with p5 and p6
“No, nothing really. Going to the cinema to see the new Iron man movie.” 8
“You?”9 * If this is the same person speaking, you don't need a new paragraph. This way makes it look like it's the other character.
p18; "It scared me to realise, that I was looking at myself" Again, not sure it needs the comma
p23; "Always to busy, when time was all I had"
*too
This was very good and aside from the few grammar mistakes I found, I couldn't think of a single suggestion to make it better. Please don't take my editing as a bad thing, it was only meant to help. This was very well written and well worth my time. I especially liked the end, lines 22-29. Great job!
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From the up-and-coming poet of the site:
I really enjoyed this piece, especially lines 22 and 23. Those stick out to me for some reason. The tone of this piece is set perfectly, pulling the reader into its world without a warning. For a 209-word piece, this felt like a short story. Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action...and then no Resolution. Interesting.
One comment: in line 23, I think 'to' should be 'too.'
Thanks for a(nother) good read.
Best of luck,
gocubsgo25
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You really set the tone of this with the second line; I knew after reading it that there wasn't going to be much by way of resolution here, if, in fact, there was going to be any resolution at all. This is almost a classic case of two ships in the dark - almost, with the exception being that you both seemed aware of each other, yet veered away nonetheless for various reasons. So many small touches here that add to the sense of isolation: "little" cars in line 13 (and though I'm sure the adjective was meant literally, it's impossible for me not to read the littleness into the rest of their lives), the glance from twenty paces (too close and yet too far), etc.
Lines 17 and 18 - these two really jumped out at me. It's a rare and strange experience, to recognize yourself in someone else. You capture both her suddenly visible emotions and the shock of the moment without resorting to elaborate, unnecessary description. Truth and simplicity were perfect for the job, and that's all you needed to use - I tend to think of them as your trademarks. The last line was a wonderful but awful way to draw this to a close, wonderful in how much it said, but awful for obvious reasons.
I don't suppose you said hello, when you saw her the other day?
Very nice writing in this one, Rorshach.
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It's great to have you back Ink. Your comments are always so well considered, and it's a delight to hear from you.
I'm glad you commented on the 'little cars’, as they are my shortcut for portraying an isolated and lonely existence in Modern City life. All of these people rushing around in their little cars, only to go home alone and thinking 'How did my life end up like this?'
The girl in my poem wanted to escape this closeted existence, and that's why she decided to do something so leftfield like work in a Chinese classroom.
Ultimately though she returned to office life, and is now back where she started. Why it failed, I haven't a clue.
You won't believe this, but I saw the girl again today. She was having breakfast in the same pub that I was in. (I don't drink in public by the way.) I was enjoying an early morning protein feast when she walked right past me. She was just as gorgeous as ever, but her nerves seemed even worse than before. You know the kind of girl who is so eager to please that she laughs at everything that you say? It's a bit unnatural, and it's kind of unsettling. Wearing your desperation on your sleeve is never attractive, especially when you are a beautiful young girl. It was sad to see, but she hadn't changed. She joined a group of morons who were discussing football and they almost completely ignored her. I don't know if she recognised me (it's been three years since we last spoke), but nothing was said, and I left the pub alone, as I always do.
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I think that you should have talked to her or at least said hi.
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