Fostering Hope

As usual, I awoke twenty minutes before my alarm rang. I always do that- don't ask why. I can never sleep late, even on weekends. It's like I have an inner alarm clock that says, " Hey Cadence, daylight has arrived! Get up... you know you want to..." and I can't stand it- I have to get up. It's crazy, I know...

I got out of bed, switching on my lamp, and made my way softly over to the dresser I share with Allyn, my 13 year old foster sister. I tried to be quiet as I dressed so as not to wake her. An unnecessary precaution, as Allyn slept through anything, especially when she was messed up, as she usually was. She was sprawled out across her bed, on top of the blankets, her long blonde hair with its black dyed streaks strewn in a disheveled mess around her face. Her slender arms looked brittle in the dim light, and the many scars on her arms stood out where her sleeve had ridden up. Some were faint, barely scratches, but others were red and angry. Almost all had been inflicted by Allyn on herself.

Hey, I thought as I made my way to our door, at least she's home today. At least she didn't sneak out- that we know of...

You might of inferred by now that Allyn isn't the most well behaved and adjusted girl in the world. Not what most would describe as normal. Well that's certainly true- but in our family she fits right in. My family isn't exactly what you'd call normal either...

You probably caught that I said Allyn was my foster sister, not biological. She certainly isn't the first foster child we've had, and I'm sure she won't be the last. You see, my father, Dalton, and my mother, Rose, are both psychologists who are very successful in their field. In fact, Dad was the youngest person in the US to ever become a psychologist, only 21, just five years older than I am now. They didn't' marry until they were in their late 30s, and thought it too late to start a family. Both were thrilled when they had me eventually. However, soon after I was a year old, Mom had a miscarriage, and it was so traumatic to her body that she was told she could not risk having children again. My parents decided to become foster parents, working at home rather than in offices. They reasoned that because of their professions, they could better raise and even improve the lives of disturbed and abused children than most. They specially requested children who were hard to place because of behavioral or handicaps issues. Ever since, I ve been raised with foster brothers and sisters of all ages, races, and disturbances. Some we've kept as long as two or three years, others only a few weeks, before they moved on or went back to their parents. I've grown close to many, particularly ones close to my age, and we remain in contact with several. Over the years I've grown so used to living with troubled kids it seems expected and normal to me- almost nothing my foster siblings could do would shock me. Sometimes it can be trying or stressful- most of the time, in fact- but I think if I had a choice, I'd choose to keep our family the way it is- very extended and very chaotic. In a weird way, I like it. I'm a lot like my parents, I guess...

Right now I have three foster sisters living with me- Allyn, Danica, and Rory. Allyn was put into foster care because of the severe way her mother abused and neglected her. Her mother was 19 when she became pregnant, and Allyn was very unwanted. Allyn's grandparents didn't help her mother at all, and in fact disowned her. Allyn's mother, from the time Allyn was a baby, swung unpredictably from loving and caring for her to neglecting her horribly, locking her in her room without food for days at a time. When Allyn would cry or beat on the door, her mom opened it only to beat her until she bled, then would lock her inside until she decided to let her out. Allyn was put in foster care when she was 10. Before she was 12, she was completely out of control, smoking, stealing, doing any drug she could get her hands on, drinking until she puked, and letting any guy who wanted her have her. She was self-destructive and did all she could to hurt herself, even going so far as to cut herself. When anyone tried to stop her, Allyn would scream and swear and sometimes lash out in rage. She also snuck out at night often. Needless to say, she was very hard to place in foster care. Her social worker was going to put her in rehab or a juvie home but my parents offered to take her and try their hand with her first. Everyone thought they were crazy to take her, but they insisted they wouldn't give up on her before they even tried. So far, she hasn't changed much from what I can see, but then again, it's only been a few weeks. Who knows....

In many ways, my foster sister Danica is Allyn's opposite, but if you really get to know her, you can see their similarities. Danica is 17, and on the surface very different from Allyn- shy, quiet, placid and eager to please. However, all you have to do is look at her, and you can tell she is as deeply tormented as Allyn. Danica is a severe anorexic- 5-5 and 72 pounds. She is so thin her bones are visible all over, and her figure is as flat as a child's. Her eyes are sunken in her skull, and her hair is thin and brittle. One of the strangest things about her appearance is the soft fuzzy hair on her whole body- it's called lanugo- a symptom of bad anorexics. Danica has been in and out of hospitals continually in the year we've had her, and though she isn't losing weight- a huge step- she isn't gaining it either. She is very weak and fragile, and often faint and dizzy. I worry about her and Allyn so much, that one day they'll die from what they do tho themselves. I can only hope that we will be able to help them eventually...

Danica was placed in foster care because her father sexually abused her and her sister. Though she has not said so to me, I am sure that is why she is anorexic- she believes the abuse was her fault, that had she not tempted him but being pretty and sexy, he would not have raped her. I think her anorexia is an attempt to make herself unattractive.

My last and youngest foster sister is Rory. Rory is only four, but she is very deeply disturbed as well. Rory's father was a violent, easily angered man who abused both Rory and her mother. When Rory was almost four, she witnessed him stab her mother to death, then shoot himself. Ever since, she's been nearly catatonic- not speaking or moving without someone making her. And yet at the slightest thing sometimes, she bursts into a rage, shrieking and lashing out furiously rather like Allyn. She also often draws disturbing pictures with crayons- angry red and black scribbles that cover pages and pages. They really don't look like anything but they are kind of scary anyway. Mom and Dad think because she is so young, she has the greatest potential to be improved. I hope so...

As I walked down the hallway toward the kitchen, guided by the dim light of a hall nighlight, I saw Rory slip out of the room she shared with Danica. She stood before the doorway, mouth slightly open, looking at me mutely with her dark, shadowy eyes. Her long dark hair hung to the small of her back, free from the ponytail Mom had put it in last night. She looked at me intently, but did not speak. This didn't bother me at all- I was quite used to her silence.1

" Morning, Rory," I said softly. " You're up early." She remained motionless, eyes wary, alert, as I stepped toward her. I stopped, not coming closer. Rory could have very unpredictable reactions to being touched. Sometimes she was very placid about it- even seeking to be touched, climbing on Mom's lap to be held and hugged. But sometimes she would explode in rage at the slightest brush, lashing out at whoever had touched her. I didn't want to risk that this early.2

As I looked at her, I noticed the dark stain on the front of her nightgown and sighed. She'd wet the bed again. Rory wet the bed at least a few times a week, so this was not surprising. If she wasn't wetting the bed, she was having nightmares that made her scream and thrash. I preferred her to wet the bed- at least everyone could sleep uninterrupted when she did.3

" Stay right here," I told her. " I'll go get Mom and Dad up, and they'll get you changed, all right?" Of course she didn't answer me, or even acknowledge I'd spoken, but I knew she heard. Turning away from her, I walked two doors over to my parents' room. Opening the door quietly, I tiptoed up to their bedside, where they lay sound asleep. I didn't feel too bad about waking them- they'd get up in another five minutes anyway. 4

" Mom," I whispered loudly. " Dad. Rory wet the bed again. She's standing in the hall."5

They both stirred. My mom made a funny noise, and my dad opened his eyes squintily.6

" Cadence? What time is it?" he muttered.7

" Almost six. Sorry to wake you, but you'd have been up in a few minutes anyway," I pointed out. 8

" Be up in a minute," Mom muttered, rolling over and pushing off her covers. " I'll change her this time, Dalton. You do the sheets."9

" We need to get her some rubber ones," Dad mumbled.10

I followed as they padded out of the room toward Rory's and Danica's. Mom squatted before Rory and spoke to her softly before extending her hand to take Rory's. When Rory didn't attack, she picked her up and turning to me, said, " Your dad will get Danica up today- will you try to wake Allyn? You know how hard it is to get her moving- it won't kill her to be early today."11

I nodded reluctantly, not relishing the task. Allyn is an absolute monster in the mornings. Not that she's normally so easygoing, but in the morning she is hell to deal with. I wasn't looking forward to being verbally, possibly even physically, attacked.12

Maybe I should have cleaned up Rory after all, I thought wryly, but it was too late. I opened the door to our room and stood silently beside Allyn's head, gazing down at her. She remained unaware that I was watching, dead to the world. Heistantly, I reached out and shook her shoulder. 13

" Allyn. Time to get up."14

She gave no sign that she had heard or felt me. I bet she was still messed up from whatever she'd taken last night. She was always sleeping hard after a night of heavy using. I shook her again.15

" Allyn."

Still she did not answer. Giving up on that approach, I strode over to the light switch and flipped it on. As the bright light hit her eyelids, Allyn yelped and jerked indignantly. 17

" Hey! What the hell- turn that damn light off!" she hollered. I didn't move.18

" Time to get up, Al."19

" Leave me the hell alone, Cadence," she growled. " My head fucking hurts." Her eyes were slitted in pain and anger, and they looked red and bloodshot. Her face was pale and tightly drawn.20

" What did you take last night, Ally?" I asked quietly. " That's what's making you feel so bad."21

" None of your damn business!" she growled. " God, why can't you just leave me alone! None of you know when to back off! Get off my fucking back, Cadence!"22

" Okay," I said, holding my hands up in mock surrender. " Whatever you say." Not replying, she buried her face in her pillow, arms loosely at the sides of it. That was when I noticed teh bloody stain on her sleeve.23

" What's that on your sleeve, Allyn?" I asked. " Did you hurt yourself again?" Allyn abruptly bolted up in bed, my words apparently bringing her awake immediately. Hugging her arm to her chest defensively, she glared at me hatefully.

" Leave me the fuck alone, Cadence," she hissed. " You think you're so smart- that you know everything about me- well you don't know shit, Cadence, you don't know shit!" And with that, she leapt out of bed and pushed past me out the door. A few minutes later I heard a slam and knew she'd locked herself in the bathroom. Damn. I shouldn't have said anything. I knew better. She was probably cutting herself again. Great job, Cadence...


Sighing, I went into the kitchen, both to look for my parents and to get some food. Apparently they'd both finished with Rory, because I could hear the washer going from the laundry room. As I stepped into the kitchen, I saw that Mom, Dad, Rory, and Danica were already sitting at the table with their breakfast in front of them. Dad was sitting by Rory, encouraging her to eat her cereal. She was more inclined to play with food, flinging it at people or on the floor, than to eat it. Mom was sitting similarly by Danica, trying to convince her to drink a large, high calorie milk shake. I could tell from Danica's tearful, defiant expression and her tightly cinched lips that she wasn't giving in any time soon.1

" Dani, honey, if you lose any more weight, you know you'll have to go back to the hospital. You know it's much more unpleasant to gain weight in a hospital, by a feeding tube, than here at home, of your own will. Think about it. You know it's true," Mom coaxed.2

Danica shook her head rapidly, a few tears spilling over. I saw that she was trembling.3

" Nooo, don't Rose, I can't. I can't, don't make me, I can't!"4

" Morning, everyone," I said, sitting on Danica's other side. Reaching for the cereal and milk, I poured myself some and began to eat. With my free hand, I squeezed Danica's bony shoulder.5

" come on Dan, you can get up as soon as you eat. You know she isn't going to let you get away with not eating. "6

" But I can't..." Danica whispered. " I can't, I can't get fat..."7

" Did you wake Allyn?" Mom asked me, not taking her eyes off Danica. Not unlike Rory, she is known to knock over food to avoid eating it.8

" She's up, but she locked herself in teh bathroom... she cut herself again, Mom. You should probably go check on her."9

' Oh no, again?" Mom said in concern. " Did it look deep, Cadence?" 10

" I didn't see it, I just saw the blood on her sleeve," I explained. " I don't know... I doubt it, she looked okay- for Allyn, anyway."11

" I'll go check on her, Rose," Dad said, rising from his seat. Rory made a harsh noise in her throat, holding an arm out to him as if she wanted him to stay. Looking over at them, Mom said, " No, Dalton, stay with the girls. I'll get her." She stood up, but not before putting her hand on Danica's hair and telling her, " Don't think this means you dont' have to eat today, Dan. One way or another, someone will see that you do. We're not letting you push us around like you do everyone else." Despite her scolding words, her tone was gentle. Danica remained rigid in her seat, staring down at her milk shake with tearful disgust, as if it were an ugly insect ready to strike. I watched her as I ate. I still could not comprehend how she could stand to starve herself, how she could get to the point where she was actually afraid of food. I couldn't handle going even a day or two without it, and I weighed almost twice as much as her. Food was way too good- I would never willingly give it up, I simply did not have that kind of willpower.12

" Rory," Dad spoke up firmly. " If you don't eat your breakfast you won't be able to watch TV this morning. No Sesame Street unless you eat." He turned to Danica, and in an attempt to make her less anxious over the food before her, said, " You too, Dani. No Sesame Street if you don't drink that."13

She didn't even crack a smile. She continued to stare miserably at the shake, tears rolling down her cheeks. Turning from Rory for a second, Dad reached for her hands, twisting in her lap. He squeezed them soothingly.14

" Come on, Dan. Just drink it, and it will be over with. You can stop dreading it. You've done it before- you know you can do it. If you're scared afterward Rose or I will help you through it. Just drink it for me and I'll be off your back for a while."15

As he was saying this, Rory took the opportunity to lift her cereal and fling it against the wall. I flinched at the loud sound as milk and cheerios sprayed everywhere. Rory did not laugh, as you might expect, but just looked on with an empty expression. Dad stood up calmly and wiped up the mess, saying to Rory as he went to get her from her chair, " Ok, Rory, no Sesame Street this morning. I told you to eat, now, didn't I? But you threw your bowl, so you wont' be able to watch TV now."16

As he went to touch her, Rory shrieked, her body stiffening in rage and panic. She clawed at his arms, then reached up wildly in an attempt to scratch his face. He bodily lifted her into his arms and tried to pin her arms down without hurting her or letting her hurt him. Standing up, Dad said to me, " Cadence, sit here with Danica for a few minutes, will you?" as he left the kitchen with Rory flailing in his arms. I knew what he meant was for me to make sure she didn't throw the shake down the drain. I needed to get into the bathroom to do my hair and brush my teeth, but I guessed since Mom and Allyn were in there that wasn't an option yet. I'd just have to wait. When you have a family like mine, patience is a quality you quickly learn to possess, or you spend a LOT of time pissed off.17



I hadn't baby sat Danica for long before Mom came back into the kitchen with her hands firmly on Allyn's shoulders, pushing her forward. Allyn's eyes were red, and her head was down, shoulders hunched. She glared at me defiantly as she slumped into a chair. I saw that she had a fresh bandage on her wrist and made no comment.1

" You're going to have to hurry, Allyn; if you miss the bus again you're still going to school, don't think you're not," Mom warned. Allyn shifted her glare to her direction. Apparently any tender discussion she'd had with Mom had not sunk in and changed her, at least this morning. Allyn goes to high school with me, though at 13, she is technically supposed to be in the eighth grade. She had started school a year early. She is in a class for kids with handicaps, learning disabilites, and behaivoral issues, until she is more manageable and willing to learn. Her teachers watch her continually; she stays in one class all day without switching.2

Now that Mom was back in the kitchen, I could leave. I got up and went to the bathroom to get myself ready. I was putting on eyeshadow when I heard the tell tale sound of our bus pulling into the driveway, in that annoying beeping way it always does. Grabbing my 35 pound backpack, I ran down the hallway to the front door, yelling, " Hurry, Allyn!" as I raced down the driveway just as the doors of the bus opened to admit me. Rory is too young to go to school, of course, and Danica is on home bound. She is too weak and skinny right now for school, not to mention how someone has to watch her to help her if she faints and force her to eat every few hours.3

As I slid into my customary seat near the back, my driver yelled back at me, " Is Allyn coming or what?"4

" Yeah, she's coming," I yelled back, though admittably she was taking a very long time. I was sure it was not of her own will that she'd eventually board the bus. It never was.5

Sure enough, a few minutes later Allyn appeared on our porch with Dad right behind her, hand on her shoulder. I watched, amused, as he propelled her down the driveway to the bus as she twisted and spit curses, fighting to get out of his grasp. She absolutely hated when he did this. Not only did it embarrass her, it made her furious when anyone imposed their will on her.6

When they finally reached the bus and Dad shoved her aboard, the driver quickly and wisely closed the doors behind her. Allyn stalked down the aisle and flung herself into an empty seat, slumping practically to the floor and cursing violently. I sighed, relaxing slightly. This was nothing compared to some reactions Allyn was known to give. We were lucky today. Maybe we WERE helping her, somewhat, already...7

I relaxed even more when we pulled into the parking lot of our school. I am probably one of the only kids in America who honestly likes school. Not the academic part- that sucks, of course, as does the little social games and cliques. But I love to go to a place where for several hours, I don't have to deal with or even think about my foster sisters. That is, unless Allyn does something horrible and they tell me about it- but usually they contact my parents rather than me. Instead of stressing me out, like most people, school actually relaxes me. Compared to my house, everyone seems so quiet and well behaved. Even the so called rebels seem extraordinarily good compared to Allyn and Rory, and even Danica sometimes. School is a retreat for me.8

When we got off, the woman assigned to watch Allyn most of the day was waiting for her. As soon as Allyn stomped off the bus- one of the last to get off- the woman greeted her cheerfully and reached for her backpack. Allyn snarled but did nothing more than cross her arms and glare as the woman methodically searched her pack for drugs, razors, and weapons, much as Mom had searched her room this morning. I was impressed- this was very restrained behaivor for Allyn. I wondered again if maybe she was improving. If she was, that was very impressive to my parents. 9

The woman smiled at me as I passed. A few moments later it faded abruptly as she pulled out a lipstick tube that was full of white, grainy powder.10

" Allyn..." she sighed. " How many times will you persist in this?" Allyn's eyes burned holes in the woman's skull with the fire they held.11

" Says you. What do you do with it once you take it from me, huh? Throw it away? Right. You probably use it yourself, or sell it," Allyn muttered. Her eyes widened when the woman held up a box of paperclips.12

" Hey! Why are you taking those? Since when is it a crime to have paperclips?" she protested.13

" Since you use them to hurt yourself," she replied calmly. " You know you can't have sharp objects, Allyn."14

" They're paperclips, not fucking weapons!" Allyn shouted. " You can't take them, you fucking psycho, you theif!"15

I walked on before I saw the end of that discussion. I was more than ready to go to class for a while. I love Allyn, but God can she be an exasperating little brat.16

I had no further thoughts of my family until the last bell of the day rang and it was time to go home. I was at my locker, putting my books up, when Allyn's teacher, Mrs. Duglan, came up behind me and called my name, startling me. I turned to see what she wanted. She looked rather stressed and panicky to me; biting her lips, and her eyes flitted around without focusing on anything for too long.1

" Cadence, I thought I should let you know what's going on before you go home. I don't want you to be surprised when you get on the bus today because no one told you."2

My defenses went up immediately. I tensed, preparing myself for whatever it was she was going to tell me- no doubt Allyn had struck again.3

" What?" I asked warily. " What did Allyn do now?"4

She heistated. " Well, that's the problem. We don't know what she's doing. You see, she slipped out of class just after lunch somehow. Her aid had gone to the bathroom, she thought it would be okay to leave her in the class with me a while, and I just turned my back for a second and she was gone! She must have escaped the class!" HEr eyes probed mine miserably. " It was my fault, I know I should have watched her. But she is so sneaky!"5

I couldn't believe this. How... I had no trouble seeing Allyn trying to escape, but the fact that she had managed to in a class of two teachers and 12 kids shocked me. You have to admit, she isn't stupid, I thought grudgingly. If she can outwit that many, she couldn't have killed off too many brain cells yet.6

" I called your parents, of course," Mrs. Duglan was saying. " I wanted to call the police, but your father insisted we wait. He is looking for her, I believe."7

" Ok," I said. " Um, is there anything you want me to do, because I have to catch the bus soon."8

" Oh, no, I just thought you'd want to know why she wasn't on the bus. Go ahead, Cadence. And tell your parents again that I'm very sorry," Mrs. Duglan repeated.9

" I will," I said, already walking away. " We'll find her- this isn't the first time she's done it. Don't worry about it."10

The question stuck in my mind as I squeezed past everyone in teh halls was, what condition would she be in when we found her?11

The bus was starting to pull away by the time I finally reached it, and I had to flag it down, yelling and waving my arms, before it would stop to let me on. The driver scowled as I climbed the steps, panting.12

" You and your sister," she muttered. " Can you ever both be on time for once? The whole bus doesn't operate under your beck and call."13

" Sorry, " I muttered with a hint of sarcasm. If she noticed, she didn't say anything back. I pushed past dozens of knees and backpacks before squeezing into a seat with two girls I barely knew. I had purposely chosen to sit with them because they were both very skinny, so I'd have more room. Matters like that are important when you're on a crowded, reeking bus. 14

It wasn't the bus's cramped quarters I was thinking of for the trip though. I couldn't turn my mind from wondering and worrying over Allyn. It was the fact that she was missing that bothered me. I had no doubt she'd turn up in one of her usual places. The problem was she'd be drugged so badly she could barely talk or walk, and for the next few days she'd be even more violent and unpredictable. She couldn't keep doing this to herself. How many times could her body deal with the way she treated it before giving out? She was only 13! Not only did I have the drugs and booze and god knows what else to worry about, there was teh possibility of her getting AIDS or something- a rather good one, between the needle usage and her multiple sex partners. I just wanted Allyn to be happy, safe, for once in her life. And now that we were giving her a chance to be, she was throwing it away. What if her social worker decided that she wasn't improving enough- which based on her behaivor, was rather likely? Allyn would be taken from us. She'd have to spend the rest of her teen years in a juvie or rehab- then once she was 18, jail. Please, Al, I begged silently. come home. Be good-be normal. We can help you, we want to love you. We want to help. Let us...15


When I finally was able to get off the school bus and stepped inside the door to our living room, I saw that Mom was in there with Rory, who was coloring a picture on the coffee table. Obstensibly she was trying to talk to Rory and get her to talk back, but I could tell her mind wasn't on it from the way she kept glancing anxiously at the phone. As if willing it to ring. When she looked up at me and smiled, it was a quick, perfunctory one, and I could see the tenseness of her expression.1

" Hi, Cadence," she said. And that was it.2

" Hi. I guess Dad's still looking for Allyn?" I stated the obvious.3

" I guess- he hasn't called yet at any rate. That little girl is-" Mom couldn't find the words she wanted to describe Allyn, and shook her head, a mix of anger and sadness on her face. I gave her a one armed hug.4

" He will, this isn't unusual," I reminded her.5

" Her being gone for four hours with no one finding her is," Mom muttered. She had a point. I glanced over at Rory and what she was drawing. She had scribbled black circles over coloring pages of the M&M characters until nearly the whole page was solid black. As I watched, she took her crayons and began scribbling on the coffee table.6

" No, Rory, don't," I said, quickly grabbing her hand and redirecting it to the page. Rory stared at me, a faintly hostile look in her eyes, before letting the crayon drop from her fingers adn simply staring at the page. I turned back to Mom.7

" Hey Mom, where's Danica?"8

She looked over at me slowly, frowning. " Good question. I don't know where she is. That's not good. Go find her for me, will you? It's time for her to have a snack anyway."9

" Ok," I agreed, spinning around to go down the hall. Mom really must be worried over Allyn; she never left Danica unattended if she could help it. We all knew that wasn't a good idea for anorexics- there are plenty of destructive things they could try to get away with doing.10

When I got to Danica's and Rory's room, and tried to open the door, I discovered, to my immediate suspicion, that it was locked. None of us, except my parents of course, are allowed to lock doors. There are too many things my foster sisters could be doing- to themselves or others- that they shouldn't be. If a door is locked, not only can we not stop them, but if they get into trouble-like Danica fainting or Allyn cutting herself too deep- we can't get to them to save them. They all know, even Rory, not to lock doors. Danica definitely had to be up to something...11

My brow furrowing, I dug my student ID card out of my backpack and quietly slipped it into the door crack to open it. Whatever she was doing, I didn't want her to know I was coming in- I wanted her to be caught.12

I heard teh door click as my card pushed the lock back, and I flung it open suddenly. Danica jerked in surprise to see me standing in the doorway. As I took in what she had been doing, my teeth clinched in anger. She was laying on the floor between her and Rory's beds, doing situps and crunches in baggy shorts and a tank top that's straps kept falling off her shoulders, unable to stay up because she lacked the boobs needed to hold them. In those skimpy clothes, her limbs appeared as tiny and easy to snap as a match. Her collar bone, vertebra, and sternum bone showed prominently over the top of her tank, making me recoil in disgust and sorrow. It made my bones ache to look at her.13

Looking at her, though, my feelings were not primarily of pity. Instead, I felt rage- such violent, unreasonable rage that it shocked me, but I didn't care. I felt hot, my blood was boiling and pulsing in my veins. All my stress and worry over Allyn had found an outlet, and I leapt onto it instinctively. I wanted to grab Danica by her skinny shoulders and shake her until her toothpick neck snapped. I wanted to sit on her and squash her, to yell into her face how stupid she was, how angry she made me. But I did none of that. I only yelled, " Danica, what the HELL are you doing?!"14


Still frozen in her supine position on the floor, Danica glared back at me just as furiously. 1

" What the hell are you doing in here?" she shot back. " This is MY room, Cadence! I had the door locked- that means stay the hell out! Why can't anyone have any privacy in this house! Every time I want to be alone someone's sticking their nose in my business! Get a life!"2

" You don't deserve privacy when you're trying to kill yourself!" I screamed. " What makes you think you should be able to be alone when every time you are you just do something to counteract all the work we've put into keeping you alive! You know not to do this, Danica! You know you don't lock your door, let alone exercise! That is the agreement, remember? If you eat and don't exercise, you dont have to go to the hospital. If you don't gain weight, you at least don't lose any! ANd here you are doing crunches!"3

Now that I had started, I couldn't stop. It was as if some wall inside me had come down, a previously closed off part of me where I had shut off the anger and resentment I often felt toward Danica, not to mention the rest of my foster sisters. I hadn't even known I'd felt any of this- I had thought I was completely blase about them and the trouble they often caused. I had thought I was never angry at them, that I was completley patient and accepting of their screwy behaivor. But I was discovering now that I was wrong. Sure, I loved them- but they also make me furious sometimes! I was finally expressing it now.4

" You keep this up, and you're going to die before you turn 18!" I shriekd. " You're going to starve yourself to death, don't you get that?! We can't keep you anymore when you're 18- we haven't adopted you! You'll be on your own, and if you keep going like this, you'll be dead within a week! What is it, Danica? Why do you do tis to yourself, to us?! Why are you so determined to hurt us, to make us constantly worry over you? And it's not only you, it's Allyn too, look at what she did today! Everyone in the household is in an uproar looking for her! And even Rory, look at the way she is sometimes, anything for attention, all of you! I think you do it on purpose sometimes. I think you like to worry us, to demand attention by starving yourself! If you weren't like this- if you weren't a freaking anorexic, who has to be sat with all day and made to eat- you wouldn't be the center of attention anymore. You'd be going to school and an average girl like everyone else, like me- and you don't want that! You want us to feel sorry for poor, pitiful, skinny Danica- on the verge of death! I don't see why none of us get that you're the one who makes yourself like this- and if we stopped, you'd have to stop too!"5

I finally stopped, breathing rapidly, my chest leaving with my swirling emotions. I could not remember teh last time I had ever felt so angry at anyone, let alone Danica. I knew in my mind that I was going overboard, that the force of my anger was unreasonable, and out of proportion to her actions- but I still could not stop or convince myself of these truths. This was one time that I allowed my instincts to rule over what I knew to be true and reasonable.6

Danica, still lying on the floor, was looking at me with the most stricken face. Shock, anger, fear, and shame flickered across her features in turns. I saw that her eyes were full of unshed tears, but for once, I didn't feel pity for having hurt her.7

" That's not true," she whispered shakily, blinking rapidly. Her skeletal body shook, as if she were cold, but it was a warm day- both of us were in shorts. " That's not true, Cadence. I don't want your attention- I don't want anyone's attention! I just want you to leave me alone!"8

" Oh yeah? That's not true, huh? You aren't doing this for attention? Then why are you, Danica? Huh? What other purpose could doing this to yourself serve? The only other thing it does is slowly kill you! Is that it, Danica? Do you want to die, because you're killing yourself here!"9

" Yes!" Danica shrieked, her face scarlet as she glared at me in fury. " Yes Cadence, yes! I want to die, and this is the only way I can do it where it won't hurt! I want to die, I want to fade away and never come back! I don't want to be here anymore, Cadence! There, are you happy? Are you?"10

Her face crumpled in an ugly grimace, and she began to sob painfully, hot tears streaming down her face. Turning away from me, she curled into a ball on the carpet and hid her face in her arms, her thin shoulders heaving. Seeing her, my anger deflated, and I felt a rush of shame and regret for having attacked her so viciously, for having reduced her to such a state. How could I have spoken to her like that? How could I have said such things, things I knew were not true, just because I was stressed? To DANICA, no less, who was already so fragile, mentally and physically both. 11

Dropping to my knees beside her, I put my arms around her, trying to pull her into a hug. She went completely stiff, refusing to cooperate. I continued to try to hold her.12

" Dani, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, do you hear? I didn't mean any of it. I don't know what's wrong with me."13

I could tell from her breathing and her still trembling body that she was still crying, probably not listening to me. I hugged her tighter, my stomach tightening in guilt.14

" I'm sorry. I was being a jerk, okay? I know you don't want this- I know you hate it. I just worry about you. And Allyn too- that's why I yelled at you. I just want to help you, I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't want you to die, Danica, and I'm not letting you. Don't you dare try," I choked out, suddenly close to tears. 15

Danica's body gradually began to loosen up, and eventually I could tell she had stopped crying. She lay mutely on her side, allowing me to keep my arms around her. I was afraid to let go, that she might die if I did...16

The soft sound of someone approaching the doorway made me look up in surprise. Rory was standing alone, vacant eyes looking at me without expression, her small fingers hovering near her mouth. I forced a smile, lips trembling. She continued to stare at us.1

" Hi, Rory. It's okay, nothing's wrong," I lied in a falsely cheery voice. Rory gave no sign that she either believed or disbelieved me, but I suspect it was the latter. She just looked at me. I could sense in her the same torment so obvious in Danica and Allyn- though she was a master of concealing it, I knew that somewhere, maybe not even conciously, she felt as much pain as they. Sighing, I stood up and turned to Danica. She had sat up now, and though she looked a mess, I was encouraged that now she had at least sat up, and was now worried about how she looked- fussing with her hair, swiping at her face, etc.2

" come on," I said to both of them. " Let's go find something else to do." I extended a hand to Danica, and she heistated, then slowly grasped it and allowed me to pull her to her feet. No sooner had I turned back to Rory then I heard a door slam, and the sound of loud stomps that echoed jarringly through the house. I didn't need my mother's exclamation of surprise to realize that Dad had found Allyn.


" Oh Dalton, you found her!" I heard Mom exclaim. I couldn't hear Dad's reply; it was drowned out by Allyn's shrieked response.1

" Get your fucking hands off me! What do you think you're doing, I said don't touch me! Can't you get it through your head, bitch!?" she hollered. " I hate you, both of you! What is this, a fucking prison? I don't want to be here, why do you think you can make me stay? Don't TOUCH ME, DALTON!!" she snarled.2

I exchanged a glance with Danica. She looked back at me, eyes wide. She's always been a little afraid of Allyn, and I can't say I blame her- Allyn could cause her little body severe pain without trying.3

" Allyn's back," she deadpanned, a bit of an understatement. I nodded.4

" Yep. Come on, let's go see what's going on," I said, tugging at her elbow. I both did and didn't want to see Allyn right now. Not only was I not sufficiently recovered from my scene with Danica, but I dreaded seeing her in the state I knew she'd be in. I didn't want to heard her screams, to see her red, wild eyes and pinched face. I didn't want to see her looking so... crazy. But at the same time I knew I had to- if I didn't now, I would in our room, later, and it would be worse when it was only the two of us. Even if I didn't see her now, I'd still hear her, and my imagination would probably be more pessimistic than reality.5

Danica heistated, but eventually followed me reluctantly into the kitchen. Rory followed too, so silent I almost did not see her beside me.6

Upon entering the kitchen, I saw that my predictions had been accurate. Allyn was standing in the middle of the area by our cabinets, sink, and counters, body tense and defensive, ready to strike should she detect anyone moving toward her. Her hair was a mess, loose, wild, and tangled about her face, half hiding her ferocious expression. Her clothes were disheveled, as if she'd thrown them on in a great hurry- her jeans unbuttoned, and her shirt sloppy and wrinkled, half in, and half out of her jeans. Her cheap, gaudy makeup was in smears across her face. Her head swiveled back and forth, eyes hostile slits as she regarded each of us looking at her. Obviously she was high- I didn't even want to think about where Dad had found her, or what she'd been doing when he had.7

My parents had her surrounded- Dad several feet in front of her, Mom behind her. Though neither was touching her, she would not be able to escape them now, and she knew it; this only made her act wilder and more unpredictably, as she was cornered. Her deep, viscious scowl darkened further when she saw us step into the room.8

" And here's the rest of the gang!" Allyn slurred sarcastically. " Let's all just gather around to stare at Allyn! Come on, come all to see the crazy, fucked up wonder! You assholes, you'er all so smug, sitting there staring at me... you think you're so smart, you don't know shit! Especially you, Cadence- you fucking Snow White!"9

Behind me, Danica cringed. I could see that she was shaking, she and Allyn were a horrible match. I ignored the jeer- I was used to her saying stuff like that, particularly when she was angry and messed up. Not that I wasn't mad, but mostly for going off during school like that and making us all worry. I tried to shove aside my anger, to bury it until it was more convenient to show it. If I felt anger now, when she was in such a state, not only would it get me nowhere, it might cause her to react violently, maybe even hurting me or someone else. I focused instead on how horrible she looked, for she certainly did look awful. even behind her aggressive stance, I could sense something in her that was lost, pitiful... frightened. By focusing on that, the fact that this near-psychotic girl before me was hardly more than a scared child, I was able to keep my cool and just look at her steadily. I hoped Danica would take a hint and do the same.10

" There's no call to speak like that, Allyn," Mom said evenly. " We're all just glad that you're back. We're just concerned about you. We love you, we dont' want you to be so angry- we aren't trying to make you. We only want to help."11

" What a load of shit!" Allyn shrieked. " That's all anyone ever says- we just want to help you, Allyn, we just want to help! All it means is you want to keep me your prisoner, you want to watch my every move! You want me to be all happy about that! Well I don't want your damn help, ROSE! I want you to leave me alone- I want you to bunny let me go!"12

" You know we won't do that," Dad said quietly, watching her carefully. " We can't let you continue to self destruct, Allyn. I know you don't understand, and I know you don't care. But we do- and that's what matters."13

" We can't allow you to go off like that and do as you like, not only because it's wrong, but because it hurts you. It hurts your mind and it hurts your body. We love you too mcuh to let you do that to yourself," Mom added in a soft but reasonable voice.14

Allyn's eyes darted wildly between Mom and Dad, her facial expression not changing. Her long hair covering most of her face, she screamed, " You lie! You don't love me! No one loves me! You don't care- you just want to make me bunny miserable! I hate you! I hate you, I hope you bunny die! I'm going to kill you, I'm going to stab you to death!"15

Of course, both my parents were now more alert than ever- it would shock no one if Allyn really did lunge for a butcher knife then. But as she made no move toward teh silverware drawer, and seemed to be screaming empty threats without really even knowing what she was saying, neither made a move to restrain her.16

" Allyn, it is not acceptable to speak like that," Dad said firmly. " If you cannot discuss with us your behaivor in an appropriate way, we will have to restrain you until you calm down."17

I knew Allyn wouldn't go for that. She'd had that done several times and she always hated it, screaming, thrashing, and attempting to bite- but it was effective. It was one of the few methods of punishment Allyn couldn't wiggle out of.18

" Oh yeah? You think you're so damn scary, all of you do, you're nothing but shits!" Allyn yelled. " You can't stop me, you can't make me! I can do whatever the hell I want and you can't stop me! I can do what I want, whatever I want, you can't tell me what to do with my own fucking body! It's mine, mine! I won't let you!"19

" We'll see about that," Dad said calmly. That was enough to infuriate her. Spinning on her heels and focusing her dilated eyes on him, she screeched, " Try and stop me, bastard! You can't do a thing, you can't!"20

And suddenly she was lunging toward him. He moved to grab her, to restrain her, but attacking him was not what was on her mind, so he was unprepared to get the right grip. Somehow she wiggled past him and free from his clutches, ran down the hall, shrieking the whole way. We heard a door slam shut and knew she had locked herself in teh bathroom.21

Danica and I moved out of the way as Mom and Dad rushed after her, and I pulled Rory out of the way too. She hissed at me but thankfully didn't bite. ALlyn was more than enough to deal with now. We watched as Dad pounded on the door, shouting for her to oepn it. Of course she ignored him.22

" Al, please, open up," Mom called, and I saw the worry in her eyes. " Come on, let us in. We just want to talk."23

I could hear Allyn still cursing, and I could tell she was beginning to cry. Great, drugged, upset, crying, and alone in a locked room. Prime cutting situation. My parents must have been thinking along the same lines because my mom whispered to my dad, " We DID remove all the sharp objects, right?"24

Dad nodded. " Unless she has some in her clothes..."25

No sooner had he said that then we heard the horrible crack, then tinkling sound of broken glass falling to the floor. We all jumped,horrifeid and shocked. The mirror- Allyn had broken the bathroom mirror! She could hurt herself severely before we got to her. Danica grabbed my arm, cringing, and I winced too. I was too stricken to think clearly of what to do.26


Fortunately, my parents were not. Mom whirled around and looked me directly in the eyes, making sure I was paying attention.1

" Cadence, go get a butter knife from the kitchen so I can pry the door open," she said in a calm but forceful voice. " Hurry!"2

I didn't stop to think about it; I just took off down the hall, through the living room, and into the kitchen. Stopping before the silverware drawer, I opened it and quickly withdrew a butter knife before racing down back down the hall and handing it to Mom. Much like I'd used my student id to unlock Danica's door, she slid the knife into the crack to push the lock back. I had a strange sense of de ja vu as I watched. It was as if my scene with Danica was about to repeat- as if one or both of us would once more reveal our true feelings...3

Finally my mother opened the door, and she and Dad rushed into our small bathroom. Danica and I hung back, watching from the doorway. My eyes widened in suprise and dismay that was hard to hide, though I had known what was coming...4

Allyn was sitting on the bathroom floor between the tub and toilet, legs folded underneath her, shoulders hunched, streaked hair covering her face. In her left hand was a large piece of broken glass from the mirror, and her right arm was seeping bright crimson blood from a long, nasty-looking cut made by the glass. The hand tightly clinching the shard was bleeding too, but Allyn didn't seem to realize it. Glass was everywhere- partly still attached to the mirror, lying in the sink, on the floor, in the toilet and tub- Allyn was sitting on top of it. She looked up slowly as if in a delayed reaction, at us standing around her, eyes dazed and far, far away from us, despite our proximity.5

My parents sprang into action immediately. Dad rushed to get gauze and medicine, to put on her gashes, and my mom knelt beside her, trying to soothe her. 6

" Oh Ally, Ally, why do you do this to yourself?" she murmured softly, putting her arms around her in a gentle squeeze. Allyn didn't respond, but I saw tears glitter in her eyes. Mom gently took her hand and pried it open, taking the bloody shard from her palm. Allyn stared, as close to obedient and docile as i'd ever seen her. Mom reached over and pulled strips of toilet paper off the wall and pressed it to her hand and arm. Soon the paper was stained red. Then Dad returned with the gauze and cream, and taking Allyn's arm gently, began to apply it to her wounds, muttering, " Doesn't look deep enough to need stitches- just bleeding a lot." Allyn looked at him dully, a faint smile appearing on her lips that didn't meet her eyes.7

" See?" she said in a voice that was high-pitched, floaty, completely unnatural sounding- unreal. " See... you can't stop me, you can't watch me all the time. Look what I did, I did it even though you didn't want me to... hee hee, see? You can't control me, you can't stop me. It's my body. I can do what I want to my body. Look, it's bleeding, it's bleeding, I cut myself and now i'm bleeding, I made it bleed. Hee hee. That means I'm real. I'm really real because the blood is real. I made it, I did it, and you can't stop it, you really really can't..."8

" Shh," Dad said softly. " Allyn, just relax. Calm down. We're not angry with you."9

As they continued to tend to her, Danica and i stood awkwardly in the doorway, looking on. I felt so clumsy, so helpless, jsut standing there and not knowing how to help or what to say. I knew I wasn't any use to anybody just standing there watching. I wanted to leave, to be able to turn my eyes toward something that wouldn't give me this horrid sick feeling in my stomach, but at the same time, I couldn't; I had to finish it out, to see what Allyn was doing. Evidently Danica felt the same way, though her face was pale, and her hand crept into mine and squeezed it, she said nothing and remained standing in the doorway.10

Only a few moments later, after thinking this, I felt a small body squeezing past us, pushing and tugging at my legs, trying to get through. I turned, startled, and saw that it was Rory, apparently curious as to what we were looking at. I'd left her in the kitchen- not a smart move, but I hadn't been thinking clearly- and now she had wandered into the hall, seen us standing in the door, and tried to push her way in to see. Realizing quickly exactly the kind of scene she was about to see, I put out my hand to grab her, but it was too late. She was already in front of me- she couldn't have missed any of it.11

Rory's dark eyes grew huge with shock and alarm as she took in the scene before her- the glass scattered across the floor, bandage being wound around Allyn's right arm, the blood that had dripped over the tiles. Her eyes fixed on Allyn's bloody hand, still not tended to, and she began to shake as terror filled her usually expressionless face. Seeing her, their faces full of dismay and concern, my parents both reached a hand out to her, but she was in too much of a state to register this. Opening her mouth wide, Rory began to scream. Not words- her cries were the terrified howls of a child who'd been the witness to a bloody, unspeakable act of violence and who feared her life- both of them which were true, not only now, but in her past with her father. Rooted to her spot, Rory screamed and screamed, once in a while adding a shouted " Noooo!" Once again, I was helpless. I wanted to do something, to help her, but I was blank as to what- and even if- I could, there was still the possibility that in her terror, she'd attack me.1

It seemed I stood there forever in what was probably only moments. Eventually Mom shouted, " Cadence- Danica- get Rory out of here! Help her- just do the best you can!" 2

I heistated a moment longer before tentively reaching for Rory. When she only continued to screech, I quickly picked her up, relieved both to have been told what to do and that she hadn't hurt me as I did it. Carrying her on my hip, I walked out of the room and down the hall to Rory's and Danica's room, with Danica following. Sitting on her bed and closing the door, I hugged Rory on my lap, stroking her hair as I tried to calm her. Danica sat beside me timidly, her face frightened and unsure. Twice I saw her make a move to touch Rory before drawing back her hand.3

" Shh, Rory, it's okay, it's okay. Allyn is okay, she just cut herself. She'll be fine, Rory,do you hear me? She'll be fine. She's ok, you're ok. I know, that was scary, but it wasn't like before, Rory. Everyone's ok," I repeated in a singsong tone. I guessed I was getting to her at last, because after a while- a very long while, it seemed- Rory's screams began to taper off to only tears. I rocked her rhythmnically as I waited for her to calm down. Danica watched, eyes big and rarely blinking.4

" I don't know how you do that," she said in a loud whisper, as though afraid to let Rory hear. " How can you deal with her, with Allyn, even with me. You always know what to do..."5

I choked at those words, practically strangling as I wanted to laugh. Had I actually heard her say what I thought I had?! Had she said that about me, who had spent the whole day not knowing what the hell to do?!6

" Danica, you're crazy!" I protested in disbelief. " I never know what I'm doing! I don't know what I'm doing now! Didn't you see me standing there when Allyn had hurt herself? I didn't know how to help anymore than you did! If I do anything at all, I just plunge into it blindly and hope it works out!"7

Danica's expression both wistful and awkward, hadn't changed as I was speaking. Nothing I'd said seemed to have affected her.8

" If you don't know, you sure do a good job guessing," she said quietly. " Everything you do turns out okay. Not like me. I never know what to do, what to say... I only make things worse."9

I felt a stir of sadness for her as I regarded her over the top of Rory's head. Poor, self-loathing Danica- she never felt comfortable with herself in any given situation. If she could only learn to loosen up and not worry so much about whether she was doing things right, part of what kept her clinging so tenaciously to her anorexia could relax. 10

I carefully abstracted one hand from under Rory and reached out with it to Danica, squeezing her arm. She looked at the floor as I spoke.11

" You do fine, Dani. I promise. No one judges you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself."12

" Yeah," Danica said in a shaky voice, " maybe... but yourself is the one you can't walk away from. You can't ignore the things you tell yourself, because there's no way to escape them..."13

*****************************************************************

Around 5:45, Mom finally stuck her head in Danica's room. Seeing us there, and that I had Rory, mostly sedate now, in my arms, she came inside, smiling wearily at me. I noticed the blood spots on her clothes and her slightly stooped shoulders and could only guess just how many similar fiascos she'd seen today.1

" I'll take Rory now, Cadence. Thanks," she said, reaching for her and taking her from me. Rory didn't stir, only placidly allowed her to lift her. She was back to her near catatonic state, the former spark of life put out once more. Mom smoothed her hair back tenderly.2

" Poor thing. I should have remembered to keep her away from Allyn... she shouldn't have seen that."3

Standing up, she made a motion at Danica. " Come on, Dan, time for you to eat. Don't even think of arguing either," she added as the panicked look in Danica's eyes returned.4

I stood up and stretching, pulled Danica to her feet. " Come on, I'll go with you," I said.5

Dad and Allyn were already in the kitchen when we entered, sitting at the table. Allyn looked nearly dead, her head slumped in her hands, body shaking slightly in small spasms. He was not talking to her but only sitting nearby, watching her. We sat down as Mom plunked one of Danica's milk shakes in front of her and stuck a precooked meal in the oven. I looked over at Allyn surreptiously, not sure if she felt like being talked to or not. I highly doubted it, but it felt weird to sit there and ignore her when seh was shaking like that, especially in light of what had just happened.6

" Al, you okay?" I asked finally. She said nothing. I shrugged, looking at Dad questioningly.7

"She'll be fine," he told me. " Drug side effects," he mouthed. I nodded, satisfied. I was just glad she was sitting at all of her own will, and being quiet too. Such as scene was nearly a miracle.8

Dinner passed with little conflict, especially considering the number of incidents that had occurred today. I guess everyone was too tired to put up much of a fight. Rory ate her dinner without too much urging, and none of it ended up on the floor. Allyn only played with her food listlessly, but we let her be. As long as she was behaving... even Danica eventually drank her milkshake, although she was crying as she did and almost gagged. We hugged her afterward and told her how proud of her we were. All in all, it was an amazingly smooth affair.9

After dinner I went to my room to do homework. Allyn went in with me, and headed straight for bed, burrowing under the covers. After an hour or so, I wasn't finished, but I decided to wait until I was on the bus tomorrow. I went to our bathroom to brush my teeth, then making my way back to our room, turned off our light and got into bed. I hadn't been lying there long before I heard it. Funny, stifled noises somewhere in the room, almost like hiccups. They'd start, then stop, almost as if someone were holding their breath. I knew it had to be Allyn making those sounds, but it took me a while to realize she was crying.10

" Allyn?" I called softly. There was no reply from the huddled figure in the bed across from me, except that she cut off one of her sobs abruptly, making a guttural sound in her throat. I sat up in my bed, brow furrowed. I couldn't just leave her alone, go to sleep, when she was crying. She might to something to herself again....11

" Al, you okay?" I whispered. I waited, but there was still nothing. Pushing my covers back and rolling out of bed, shivering as my feet hit the cold floor, I padded over to Allyn's bed and stood over her. She stayed hidden from my view in her cocoon of blankets, not moving, not speaking, but I heard her sob once more.12

" Allyn, what's wrong?"13

" Leave me alone, Cadence," Allyn growled, but I heard the tears in her voice. Instead, I sat on the edge of her bed, gingerly touching part of the blanket I estimated was her shoulder.14

" Allyn, I know you're crying. You're not fooling me. It's okay, though. I'm not shocked, or thinking less of you because of it. I don't know why you think it would be so awful to admit to anyone you cry," I told her quietly. " It's okay."15

" I'm not fucking crying, you fuck!" Allyn snarled, but even as she said it her voice cracked, and we both knew she was lying.16

" You can be a screwed up badass slut and still cry," I muttered, not intending for her to hear. But apparently she did, because she threw her blankets off and turned around aggressively, looking at me with red, puffy, but narrowed eyes. Now that she was facing me, her damp face only made it even more obvious that she'd been crying.17

" What the fuck did you just call me, Cadence?" she demanded.18

Oops. Shit.19

The only option I had was to tell her the truth, obviously she had already heard. My body tensing, preparing, to leap up quickly should she attack, I muttered, " A screwed up badass slut... can still cry."20

For one alarming moment, from teh look I saw in her rather scary eyes, I thought she was going to kill me. But then suddenly her face relaxed, and she laughed, to my absolute astonishment.21

" I can't believe you just said that! YOU of all people! Damn- you're the only one who's ever said the truth! You have nerve!" Allyn chortled.22

I stared at her, not believing I'd said something like that to her and was still sitting unharmed. She'd actually laughed! I had never seen Allyn laugh before- and over that!23

" Uh- thanks?" I said uncertainly. That only made her laugh harder.24

" People are such diplomats. Everyone tiptoes around the truth- no one wants to admit who I am- no one wants to admit I'm a lost cause at 13. No one wants to say I'm worse than my fucking mother ever was or ever would be! It's all true, why not say it? Thank you Cadence, you have admitted the truth! I suck! I SUCK!!!!" Cadence said loudly, her face aburdly cheery considering her words. Then suddenly there were tears streaming down her face. She didn't seem to notice- she was still smiling widely as she began to chant, " I suck, I suck, I'm a fucking loser slutbag whore, I'm a badass, a fucking slutbag whore, I suck, I suck!"25

It was so weird to be in this situation. I had set her off, of course, with my smart comment. But it was so crazy- I had never seen her saying things like this, about herself and her actions in a bad light. And she'd NEVER cried in front of anyone. This was an astonshing thing for me to witness. I couldn't decide if it was good or bad. I'd have to tell my parents tomorrow. But for now, I needed to calm her down- if she hurt herself, it was my fault. 26


" Hey Allyn," I said awkwardly. " Don't say that. You don't suck. You're just... troubled. You had an awful childhood-"1

Allyn laughed brittlely, still grinning strangely through her tears. " Oh, so now you're backpedaling, huh? Trying to be all diplomatic, all psyche-speak after all. And after such a refreshing display of honesty. I'm disappointed in you, Cadence."2

" Allyn-"3

" Go to bed, Cadence. I don't want you to "console" me," Allyn said sarcastically. Turning her back on me, she lay down and pulled her blankets back over her head. I stayed where I was, unsure what to do. She wasn't Rory or Danica- I couldn't just hug her and make her feel better. I might lose an arm if I tried that. But I didn't want to just ignore her and go to sleep either.4

" Allyn, are you sure?" I said doubtfully. " Are you okay? You're not going to-"5

" If you want to know if I'm going to slit my wrists the second you go to sleep, don't worry," Allyn snapped. " But I guess since I'm such a liar anyway you won't believe me no matter what. So why even ask?"6

I stood there for a moment, watching her uneasily. But she was right. I couldn't watch her all the night- if she really wanted to hurt herself, she'd find some way, somehow to do it- I couldn't stop her. I might as well go to bed and hope for the best. Now that I thought about it, that was the only real way to deal with Allyn- leave her alone and hope she'd be okay.7

Giving her one last uneasy glance, I turned back and climbed into bed, pulling my blankets up to my chin and closing my eyes. On one hand, I didn't really want to sleep, in case something happened...but I know also that I'd better hurry and try to cram in as much sleep as possible before Rory woke us all screaming in the midst of a nightmare. I was sure it would only be a few hours until this happened- I could check on Allyn then, I told myself. Might as well try to sleep now...8

I closed my eyes, allowing myself to fully relax for perhaps the first time in the whole day. I hadn't realized until now just how tired I had been. It had been a long, stressful day, as usual. But despite my weariness, there was a kind of strange energy coursing through me, almost a buzz- a kind of exhilerated charge, I guess from all the day's chaos. This too was not unusual for me. No matter how much I might hate whatever happens with my foster sisters, I thrive off the excitement of it- I can't imagine how dull it would be to go through a day without it. Don't get me wrong, living with them is rarely fun- stressful, infuriating, and frustrating is more like it. But somehow, I get something out of it- not only constant entertainment, but a feeling that somehow, no matter how slightly, I can change someone's life... it is an awesome feeling. Even if all our efforts come to nothing, there is still the knowledge for them that someone tried, someone fought and loved them and cared for them- someone who did not have to, but wanted to. I wouldn't trade this- nor my foster sisters, strange behaivor and all, for any so called normal family in the world.9