Journal of Probability

I'm going to give it 2 weeks after the end of the musical. If there is no productivity in this relationship...I'll end it. The simple reason is because we never spend time together. I only see her at school or the musical. Other than that, she's ALWAYS with her friends, or family. I understand that, but we're never together. We used to talk. Now it's just getting dull. What's the point of continuing if I'll only see her 5 minutes a day, 5 days a week? There is no point. I know I should do something about it, but I don't know what to do. I should just give up, but I can't. I love her. But I can't love someone I never talk to or see...Like I said, 2 weeks. If I don't see her outside of school within 2 weeks after the completion of the musical, I'll end it. Hell, it might be better that way.1

Goddamit, I love her, and I trust her, but it seems like she makes time for everything but ME. It also is like I'm just a replacement for her boyfriends until she can get him back. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I should stop thinking that way, but it's sort of hard when she always has time for everyone but me, and talks about him all the time. *sigh* I'll just have to live with it for now, I guess. Unless I muster up the courage to tell her...2

I just don't think I can continue this. I'm too scared to tell her how she upsets me, or how to make things better. I know I should talk to her about such, but I can't. What do I do? What do I do?3

How do I tell her that I want to spend time with her, that she makes me jealous. I'll never live up to her old boyfriends. How can I? I can't. I just need to use the simple solution. Everything will be easier for me, and everything will be better for her.4

Think I'm making the right decision...not sure, but I believe so. The blades drink the blood; they drink the pain that is created emotionally. It's my only output. It's no one's fault...not really, but it helps.5

My tears mix with my blood and swirl in a neverending vortex. I'm doing this because I can't solve the problems with her. Dammit, why can't I just talk to her? s this a problem that I'll never solve? Why must I not talk to her about the things that bother me? Why do I have to release the pain physically instead of trying to heal it? Oh well...I'll have to continue this until I am able to muster up the courage...Hello again blade...6

Fuck it, I don't have courage, at least now I can admit that. The problems are only going to worsen, so I'll just solve it now. Fuck the world, fuck her, and fuck ME. It's no one's fault but my own for not solving it. See you in hell everybody. Bullet and throat unite, and from thus, thou doth create an everlasting peace. 7

It's dark here. There's no movement, no...nothing. It's easier...I'll admit that. I'm sure it's better for her too. I'll never know it, but I'm pretty sure she's happier. At least it was painless, but I...what's that? I hear...footsteps? No, they stopped. I can't hear anything anymore. Wait, what's that sound? And why is there a wet feeling seeping through, I...oh...I miss you too baby. I miss you too...yes...yes...I'll love you forever.8

I'll always love you forever. 9