Zanzer (2st Draft)

An alarm sounded in the distance. Zanzer stood on the edge of the slope after returning from her adventure with her beloved watching the flames' dancing, which also rose into the sky that captivated her. The boisterous fire devastated the skyline of the village of Zaltana that was nestled in the valley.1

For her people had gone to extraordinary lengths to conceal the village whereabouts from the Kat-Men. The shrieks and screeches from the voices shook her out of the trance. However, she was one girl against the dreaded Kat-Men. My love will come and stop this evil act, Zanzer thought.2

The story told to her over the years; was the Kat-Men slain the men for their flesh, steal the women for the pits of everlasting death, and turn the children into their slaves. Now they had come to plunder and demolish their way of life forever. 3

She hurried for the urgency of the situation, hoping she might rescue the survivors from the attack. Utilizing her feet at a fast rate of speed, Zanzer guided herself down the ridge of the slope, attempting to reach her village. Her boots caused a trail of sailing rocks behind her. A repulsive figure skulked in the treetops and leaped from branch to branch, pursuing her trail. Soaring out of a tree, he tackled her to the ground, and restrained her hands over her head. Zanzer stared at him. His upper body resembled a man, except for the pointy ears and the fangs. The lower body had hind legs of a feline, a tail, and dark fur. Her mind registered this monster as a Kat-Man.4

"Well, you're a poisonous and an appealing May-High." He hissed.5

Zanzer was dumbfounded, as her auburn dress covered in mud and torn. 6

He leaned in closer. "I know these May-High tricks." His fingers played with a few long strands of her sandy-brown hair that had escaped from her ponytail. "You're a beauty with your olive skin highlights your deep black eyes, which makes you a luring, but the Pits of Everlasting Death will make you grow old quickly. So, where is my army?" 7

"Let me go!"8

He slapped her leaving a red mark on her face. "Come on, May-High, bring me back my army!"9

"I'm not a May-High," she screamed and felt his strength tighten around her wrists as she squirmed. "Where are my people?"10

"You lie." He slapped her again as blood began to slowly ooze out of her nose. "Fine," he snorted, "For the past few months, your kind has been coming through The Rift, the barrier between this reality and the alternate reality." 11

A furious storm was developing within her emotions, just a mere thought of what this monster was holding her responsible for. Swinging her head, she glared at him, as her cheeks flushed. A blistering sensation swept through her, which, made her skin prickled, and a newfound strength devoured her fear. Zanzer let herself go.12

A glittering light surfaced from her wrists striking the creature. She glanced, as the look of horror was etched on his face, and she believed he felt a burning sensation entering his body, causing him to squeal due to the throbbing pain. He released her hands and plunged next to her; and died. Zanzer kicked and thrashed about as the cool air vaporized her sweat. Realizing she was free, she sat on her knees, her hand trembled, as her fingers touched the warm flesh, petrified, she shoved him. When he didn't budge, she crawled backwards and darted into the forest.13

****14

Draco lay in the prison he designed for Mia, his foe, as he had failed his mission to stop her. His punishment with a chain coiled around his body to compress his organs. The chain yanked itself tighter; he thrashed and twisted only letting himself moaned. The voices of the prisoners were screaming, wailing, and crying, Draco attempted to ignore the deafening sounds. His sanity was gradually being drowned out with every voice that was penetrating his mental shields, as the edge of the bliss of the insane drew closer. He fought to keep his mind.15

They were trapped like him but forced to observe themselves doing malice deeds to others. They were all in The Rift, where The Masters put the minds of their slaves. Those Draco was a priest for them to help to keep the May-High under control.16

Now, The Masters were summoning him to join them. He refused. Draco rather wanted death and face the judgment of the Creator than live in The Rift. The acid climbed leaving a burned trail of a hot fire to his mouth and throat. These were their tactics to make the prisoner a willing slave; he had used them on the May-High and others. Now his own device and strategy ensnared him, as his death was going to be a sluggish excruciating end.17

An intense light filled The Rift, blinding Draco that forced him to close his eyes. The chain melted away and life returned to his body. The prisoners ceased and silent surrounded him. He rose searching for The Masters for they were banished from this sector of The Rift.18

"Who would have the power to do this?" He rubbed his chin. Waving his hand, he saw a young girl running and crying. "The girl... Could it be?" He studied the girl as Draco noticed her features. "I wonder if Mia knows about her." He snapped his fingers and saw her village being destroyed by the Kat-Men. "Those nasty creatures are still alive. They are more dangerous than the May-High. Maybe, my mission can be salvage after all." He laughed. "I do have a plan." He grinned and vanished.19

****20

Thor arrived at the village of Zaltana as the fire still lingered. He heard the cries and screams of the women. Reaching for his sword, he held it in front of him and slowly searched for the attackers. All of the evidence pointed to the Kat-Men raiding the village. The fire had destroyed the buildings; he spotted makeshift weapons covered in blood, which littered the ground. The Kat-Men burned the village forcing the men to attack, while a second raiding party comes and snatches the children, he thought.21

A twig snapped to his right, he spun and pointed his sword. The women are still here but why for they are last to be taken, he thought. He inched closer to a pile of burned rumble, as women were dangerous creatures when their children were gone. Thor was taller than the average dweller who worked in the fields and his frame was twice the size for he was a warrior and the last of his kind.22

Behind the pile of rumble came old women who held a pitchfork. Her skin had that old leather look from working in the fields. The out rage her face made Thor realized he had to be careful.23

"Curse Warrior, leave this place we no help from you," the old woman yelled.24

"You and the others are in need of my help."25

"We don't need help," snapped the woman and charged at him.26

He lifted his sword and struck through pitchfork handled as it broke in two. The old woman cringed and stared at her weapon, and then looked at him. Her gray-blue eyes revealed the horror she had witnessed during the raid. Thor put away his sword.27

"I'm Thor and I want to help you."28

The old woman wiped her hands on her ripped and filthy dress. "I'm Mara. Myself and the others is what left of the village Zaltana."29

The women rose out of their hiding spots, he was impressed that these women could hide in very little cover. Searching for the face, he desired to find. For she wasn't here. 30

"Where's Zanzer?" he asked.31

Mara lifted her eyebrow. "My guess she left on her adventure looking for you."32

His gaze returned to the forest. "She never made it."33

"That girl has her head in the clouds anyway. So how are you going to help us?"34

Thor was confused knowing his love was in the forest and her people needed his help for they weren't going to make it by themselves. "Gather what you can find for I'll take you to my home. There you will have shelter and food."35

The women scattered and rummaged around the piles for pieces of cloth or garments. He directed them to place the items by him. Once they had found what they could, as the women approached to him. Thor stood and closed his eyes, as a thick fog began to surround them. The women trembled and held each other.36

Mara said, "We are the servants of the Curse Warrior."37

The women disappeared leaving Thor to find Zanzer.38

****39

Zanzer stopped. Collapsing into the patch of the soggy grass, causing her clothes to feel damp, next to her skin, she moaned. The exhausted girl's muscles ached, also including her eyes. She sobbed. The forest had been her place of refuge for it contain the tranquil and solitude that she craved. Now, the knowledge was shattered without having the village to return to, once her adventure was done. Was the Curse Warrior name, Thor, a figure of an overacting imagination of a young girl's romantic daydreams? Produced by desires, adventures, and excitement brought out by feeling caged, by living in a village without many young men.40

Now, the village destroyed, as her thoughts flooded with waves of dread and anxiety, which overwhelmed her emotions. Zanzer yearned for death because she had survived, and her world was too frightening to face alone.41

****42

The underbrush draped over Draco's body as he hid to observe the sobbing girl. Her attitude and actions implied that she wasn't from the long line of noble heroes, which ran through her blood. She is not their child, he thought. He approached her to discover the truth.43

Zanzer jumped to her feet and stared at him.44

"Lovely lady, I mean you no harm. I'm Draco and come from one of the villages nearby for my people murdered by the evil Kat-Men. I've been hiding in the woods for days. I heard you crying and thought you were hurt."45

She noticed he was handsome, though he was bruised and a bit pale. "I have never seen a man that was tall as you before."46

"A weird chance by nature, my dear," he said.47

"Then you don't believe in the Creator?"48

"Why would such a god let evil beings roam and kill us?"49

"My father would know what to say, but he's dead." She looked down as her shoe played with a pebble.50

Draco walked to her as his fingers cuddled her chin. "Let me be your father now, and I'll keep you safe." He gazed into her deep black eyes.51

A strange tingling sensation swept through her spine and made her trembled with fear. She pushed his hand and stepped back. "Stay away from me!" Zanzer ordered.52

"Seems that I was wrong about you, you're untrained but your instincts are strong. Pity, there is no one to train you." He grabbed her wrists and pulled her closer to him. "You're all alone in this forest of lost hope."53

"Who are you?"54

He released one of her wrists and squeezed her other wrist. She squirmed. Seizing a vine from a branch, he yanked it down. "Put your wrists together, if you want the easy way."55

"No!" She kicked his knee, tugging her wrist from his hand, and ran away.56

"You are a silly girl," he yelled, "The hard way it shall be." 57

He chased after her.58

Zanzer scurried on the trail as the dense trees gave her cover. She evaded Draco hoping to escape. He tailed her twirling the vine up in the air, like a lasso. Draco released it and the vine landed on Zanzer. Yanking on the vine, he watched her fall, laughing while he pulled her to him. 59

"You have chosen the hard way." He waved his hand as the vine began to swirl around her body. She twisted and struggled to free herself but the vine grew tightened. "Good." He snapped his fingers. 60

She floated in the air, while the vine tied itself to the branch. Zanzer hung upside down and thrashed about like a wounded animal. Draco smiled admiring her spunk. 61

"Now, you'll become my slave and assist me to fulfill my mission."62

"Never!"63

"I can be very persuasive with my tactics and been a while since I have used. I hope you like pain."64

Zanzer spat.65

He wiped his eyes and opened his hand as flames emerged. Her eyes widen and she squirmed. The beam of fire raced towards her. Thrashed and twisted as skin felt like was burning from her bones. She saw nothing but the throbbing overtook her emotions, as the pain was unbearable.66

She screamed.67

The rocks vibrated; Draco halted. Zanzer was still. Fog emerged out of the landscape and engulfed the edge of the clearing creating a wall. There was another essence in the forest at play, Draco searched for the new opponent.68

"Release Zanzer," said a robust voice from the fog as a man become visible.69

"No, she is mine," Draco growled.70

The man stood and held his sword and was about the same height as Draco. He ripped muscles on his body and Draco snickered at him.71

"I'm Thor."72

"Please, Thor, let me guess you want to save the virgin so she be easy to sleep with her."73

Thor's brown eyes unveiled his wrath. "Who are you?"74

"Draco, just call me a new ruler of this forest." He snapped his fingers as a sword appeared in his hand. "Now, I can play too."75

"After you," said Thor.76

Both men charged at each other as their swords clashed. The banging of steel could be heard throughout the forest. Thor realized Draco had more strength than he thought he pushed Draco away. Draco raced and twirling his sword and struck his arm as blood oozed out. Thor moaned and stepped back trying to recover from his mishap.77

"What's wrong warrior a bit weak from conquering virgins instead of fighting real men." 78

"I have enough strength to defeat you, "Thor yelled.79

"You want the girl you're going to have to stop me!" He ran towards Thor.80

Thor focused and watched this lunatic racing to him. Draco swung the sword as Thor leaped. Draco stumbled and fell on the ground. Thor turned and landed near, as he swung his sword. Draco blocked the hit. The swords clashed again. Using his feet, Draco pushed Thor back as he hopped to his feet. Draco took a swing as Thor blocked him and did sidekick. Draco stumbled back towards a huge tree as the land trembled, he heard a snapping and cracking of a thick branch, Draco looked up. He was not strong enough to handle an injury yet and vanished.81

Thor was astonished that Draco was gone. The forest began to sway as he hurried to Zanzer was still tie to the brunch and hung upside down. Throwing his sword, he held opened his arms as the sword cut through the vine. Zanzer fell and he caught her. 82

Placing her on the ground, he ripped the vine off of her. She didn't move. Putting his ear on her chest as she was still breathing, he lifted his head and touched her cheek. She started to kick and punch and he grabbed her arms.83

"Zanzer, it's Thor," he said, "you are safe, my love," his voice was low and full of tenderness. His strong hands carefully wrapped around her as she grabbed him and clung to him. He held his arm and called for his sword as it appeared on his back.84

"My village is gone," Zanzer wailed.85

"I was able to save some of your people." He lifted her up in his arms and held in her arms.86

She squeezed him tighter around his chest. "Keep me safe and let me rest." She buried her head in his chest.87

He carried her into the forest to keep her safe from the evil that was lurking in the shadows. He heard Zanzer sobbing quietly in his arms due to the grief. Once he reached his home and entered, quietly, he laid her on the bed. She snuggled on the soft mattress; Thor draped a blanket over her, she grabbed and squeezed his hand.88

"I'll stay until you fall a sleep."89

"They will not find me here."90

"No." He leaned over and kissed her.91

Her body had no energy. While exhaustion was settling in from the ordeal, she had faced. Her eyelids felt heavy as she focused on a happy memory, Zanzer drifted off to sleep knowing that Thor watched over her.92

Author notes

I'm dyslexic, which affects my grammar skills and most of you know. I DO understand this story will need editing again, it's a working rough draft, and I am not looking for grammar help at this time. NO list of errors. I'll be sending this piece to my personal editor next month.

What I need to know does it feel like a complete story?

Does the ending make sense?

Is there enough background on Thor?

This kind of feedback I need at this point. If the grammar errors are too much for you at this point come back when I have the final revise ready.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • DreamWanderer gold member
    November 9

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    Grammar: I never bother. No two grammar "experts" can agree on everything. "By" verus "At", conjunctions and comma-splits? Ptooey. It's all about flow.

    So, from a pure story telling point of view - A good combination of world building, dialogue and story. Only potential problem at this stage: underdeveloped:

    Draco defiantly has the feel of a very powerful wizard/demi-god, but I was left wanting more of his background and how he wound up in The Rift. The Kat-Men and their motivations. Thor is a mystery. What's up with Zanser and her role in all of this? BUT --- All of this could well come later in the story, in which case piquing my interest is a good thing -- I do get the sense that they're all closely intertwined.

    So it all depends. If this is a stand-alone, these characters and plot holes need expansion, perhaps doubling it in overall length. If it's part of a larger work, then I say leave as is, plus the obvious tweaks and clean-ups and such--

    Suggestion: Pare down the clash in #81. Detailed descriptions of action or a rapidly changing scene never sit right with me. A bit of a flow killer, as it were. Naturally, this is a matter of taste.

    This "yes but no" comment probably isn't very helpful, is it? Just some thoughts. Overall, a good read.

    Dw


  • tonialoise
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    You're right the grammar is better, the sentences read much smoother. There are still some that seem a little backwards, but it's not bad. For the most part it just made for a little awkward sentence structure in a few places and didn't hurt the understanding of the sentences. So of course I won't mention specific grammar errors, but there are story issues and one or two style points that I'll mention.

    Even after reading the first two paragraphs I'm still a bit confused on what is happening. At first it seemed like she left the village to save "the warrior bound by the smoke" of the fire, but then you say she was "hoping she might rescue the survivors from the attack." These two statements seem to contradict each other. Based on p19 we can tell that the smoke you describe has nothing to do with this fire, but at the beginning we don't really know that, and also it says later that her village is destroyed, which also contradicts her trying to rescue anyone because again it sounds like she's going away from the village.

    Thoughts like at the end of p2 are usually set aside by either italicizing or put in single quotes: 'My love will come and stop this evil act,' Zanzer thought. It's not necessary, but makes it easier to read.

    There's some minor point of view issues, but nothing most people would notice. For instance, you mention in p11 that he feels a burning sensation, but most of the story is her point of view, how would she know what he is feeling? Usually this is fixed by saying something like she saw the pain in his eyes and believed he felt a burning sensation... Sort of thing. Similarly, and a bit more obvious as we see their actual thoughts, p22 is from Draco's perspective but p25 is from Zanzer's.

    P10 and 11 are excellent descriptive paragraphs.

    Yes, certainly as others have stated, more background information could be used, not just on the people but on the world. Though I feel, for this story, not much more is need on Thor or Zanzer. We get a taste of what things like the Rift are but since all these concepts are alien to us there could be more. For example; where is the rift, how is it controlled, you say there's different places in it but we don't get a feel for each, how did he escape it? You don't necessarily want to put this info when you first introduce the different things, but eventually you can slowly introduce more information. Kind of like you did with the Kat-man. We knew about them in advance but didn't really know about them until a little ways in. The Rift seems like it would be a good plot device for later in the story, usually when something like this is introduced it's used again, otherwise there's not much point to introduce it, other than to show Draco is evil, but then we can get a feel of that from his actions. Similarly mentioning "Mia" as it sounds like this person had some importance, after all designing a prison for a single person seems a big task, but she/he's only mentioned the once.


    P24 just for a little clarification, he says his village nearby was destroyed by Kat-men, it sounds a bit like he's talking about her village, and yet they don't know each other. Since most of this section is in Draco's perspective his motivations behind why he was trying to tie her up should be made clear. Or if you change it all to her perspective a little more of her feelings about what he is doing to her would be nice.

    P43, how did he know it was Thor here? Or for that matter who Thor is? In P19 you say "she called, Thor" making it sound like she made up this name for him, though I can imagine he told her through their connection his name. It still doesn't explain how Draco knew his name. You do address this in p49/50 but it's still unresolved, I would think there should be some reaction from Thor when she told him that she didn't tell him Thor's name.

    So like what also was said, this is a good start to a much longer story, or perhaps a series of short stories. The fact that Draco leaves and says "Until the next we meet, Thor." implies that there is more to the story. If Draco would have been dealt with here I think it would have felt like a more complete story.

    Otherwise it has a great fantasy feel. There's action and a little romance and I was able to delve into it and feel like I was there. So I think, overall, you did a really good job.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    It feels like a complete first chapter to a longer work. It feels like Zanzer and Thor will take on either the Kat-Men, Draco or both, later. The closure at the end doesn't feel like closure at all. It feels like a good pausing point though.

    There's not much on Thor at all. Draco, who ends up appearing to be a bad guy with intentions identical to the Kat-Man, has more background than Thor does. It's a little tiresome to have both bad guys try to ravish your female character, a few minutes apart. Is that all you want her to be good for? You hint at her powers, so it would be cool to know more about her than that she's hot enough to have every bad guy want to jump her. Unless I misunderstood what Draco wants her for, in which case clarity would help there.

    The Kat-Man's line of exposition about her appearance was especially awkward. No one really does that. If you describe her earlier, then he can say something more natural to her there.

    If there's more, that'll be cool to read.


    • dyslexic writer gold member
      October 30
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for reading and you have been very helpful.

      From I understand I need more background Zanzer and Thor. Need to clarity why Draco wants her?

      Im trying to protray Zanzer as a native girl living in a dangerous world and a destiny that is unfolding to her. If I understand, you would like to see a hint what she will become.

      This story is a snapshot of a longer work but trying to make it feel complete with a hook ending.

  • Marta gold member
    October 29

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    Further editing is required still, it reads awkward in some places and the sentences tend to run into each other.

    A list of errors would be more helpful at this point, especially if it is numbered according to paragraphs but that's not what you want here, so I will just leave it at that.

    A good story that would be made better and may read better in the future. thanks for sharing.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

    • dyslexic writer gold member
      October 29
      Edit | Reply
      I am not looking for grammar help but feedback on the story. Like I said this will be going to personal editor next month.

      Take grammar errors, why is this a good story? Does it feel a like a complete story? Is there a enough background on Thor? This is the feedback what I need.

      Thanks again,

      Lynn

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