Rambling

Abbu, 1

I wish I could tell you how I was really feeling right now. 2

But quite honestly, I’ve sort of messed up my mind completely. 3

It’s like, I miss you but I can’t show it. 4

I’m really sad you’re not there anymore, but I really really scared to let anyone see that. 5

Almost like, I know that people know I’m sad, so there’s actually no point in showing it. 6

Just a waste of time. 7

I know, I know, it’s pretty messed up. 8

But I don’t know what else to do.9

I just want you to know that I really really wish I could’ve done more. 10

Almost everytime I think about it, I get the feeling that I didn’t do enough, even though, my mom and other people think otherwise.11

But how am I supposed to feel like I did enough when it didn’t even help?12

I spent nights at the hospital. I spend days at the hospital. I sacrificed everything else just to make sure that you were okay. 13

I would always tell myself, I shouldn’t stop living because we can’t stop our lives over something like this. I always told myself that you would get better. Something inside me just didn’t let me think anything else. 14

Call it Hope. 15

Sometimes I call it denial. 16

I still remember those 4 months so clearly. 17

They went by so quickly. 18

So, so quickly. 19

Actually, I don’t remember that well. 20

They almost seem like a blur. 21

What I do remember though, is that every morning that I got up in the hospital, I used to pray for you. 22

I’ve kinda stopped praying. And it’s killing me, because it just is. I need to start again, and I will InshAllah. 23

The next thing I did was to take a spoonful of honey and put some of that kalongi thing on it. It looked nasty, abbu. I don’t know how you ate it. But you always did and I always made you eat it. Because like everything else it brought a little hope. That you might get better. 24

I’m crying now. 25

I remember when you said, “Crying is the refuge of the weak, Aaez. And I know you’re not weak.”26

I am weak, Abbu. I really am. 27

Anyway, the next thing you ate was your cereal. It was your favourite, I remember. You ate it with such delight. It was so cute. You didn’t eat anything they way you ate your cereal. Fauji cornflakes. Haha. I don’t think I can ever eat those. 28

That was the start of the day. Then came the doctors, the nurses. The drips. The medicines. Xeloda. Tarceva. Gemxar. Ponston. Campex. Urgh. Too many to name. You had to take one after the other, but you always took them. And we always made you take them. 29

I don’t know when things started to go wrong abbu. Everything was going so well. You were getting your chemo. You had started eating. Everything was so…right, and how it should’ve been. I mean, things could’ve been better, but why did they have to take a turn for the worse? 30

I remember when I came in the hospital room and you said you couldn’t even see me. And how everything was hazy around you. 31

It shook the earth beneath my feet, abbu. It really did. 32

I laughed then. Because I didn’t know what to do. Or maybe I just wanted you not to be scared. I don’t know. I laughed, and I hugged you, so you could know I was really there. 33

You didn’t get better after that abbu. 34

You got weaker and weaker. And weaker. And then you couldn’t even get up by yourself. 35

I’m depressed now. 36

It’s so amazing how I can cry so much when I’m alone and how I shut myself around people. I hate being alone. 37

I don’t really know what the purpose of me writing this stupid thing is. It’s just making me cry like an idiot. And it doesn’t make any sense either. But I’m just going on and on and on. Maybe I just wanted to clear up my thoughts. Or maybe I was just bored. This really isn’t entertaining me though. But I’m writing…38

Wait...39

Humna just rudely entered my room without knocking. Thank God, the water works were on a pause. 40

Okay, she left. 41

Anyway. I’m using your phone these days. And it still has those videos you made with my annoying voice in it. 42

I remember on Daadi’s death, Salman called me and said he was really sorry to hear about my dad. And I was like, “What the hell!?” and it actually made me laugh. Horrible of me, no? But I never took the possibility that you might it seriously. Never. 43

I went to Momani’s place once, and she said, “I just know Raza bhai is going to get better. I don’t know why. But I just know it.” 44

And I couldn’t have agreed more. 45

I…never saw it coming. 46

I don’t know what else to say. I’ve confused myself yet again. I was finally hoping to make some sense and now I’m completely cluessless again. 47

Urgh. I hate this. 48

I’m such a mess. 49

We got a big house in Islamabad. It has 5 bedrooms with attach bathrooms, two living rooms, a drawing room, dining room, a powder room and get this…2 kitchens. Pretty cool, eh?50

…No. 51

I hate it. 52

I don’t want it. 53

I want you. 54

I loved living in that 2 cramped apartment in NDU when you were there. I loved living in that really ugly house we got for rent in Pindi 8 years ago when you were there. I hate this house. I HATE IT! 55

I want you back. 56

I hate my room. 57

I hate my red carpet. 58

I hate my black and white curtains that I haven’t even arrived yet. 59

I hate getting into Pindi NCA. 60

I would rather live in one bedroom, doing nothing, as long as I have 61

you back abbu. 62

Really! 63

Why did you have to go?64

So soon. 65

You were so young. 66

I’m so young.67

It’s not fair. 68

People get to live for so long! 69

Why couldn’t you?70

I need you. 71

I’ll give anything. 72

The night you died, I actually prayed to God to take away some of my 73

life just so you could live abit longer. Just a bit longer. But it didn’t work. 74

None of my prayers were heard, abbu. 75

None of them. 76

Daadi died. 77

You died. 78

What am I supposed to do?79

I miss the way you used to play with our hair to get us to go to 80

sleep.81

I miss how you’d tickle us when you wanted us to wake up. 82

I miss how we used to put lotion on your hands and feet. 83

I miss how everything was perfect. 84

I miss EVERYTHING.85

I miss MY everything. 86

I miss you. 87