_________________Seeking Paradise in a Dream ______________
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__________________________Prologue _________________________
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I embraced the shiver the cold wind sent throughout my body, blowing strong against me as if to strip me of my balance. The skies bellowed loudly as I stood at the peak of the cliff, my hair whipping around by the cold wind. I looked down at the edge for my pursuers, seeing them shouting my name with a few other words my mind decided not to register.1
I turned tail and ran for it as soon as I saw one of them point up at me, instead of freezing in my tracks. I shot through the forest as if I was meeting the demise of the world, alone. until I heard my heart beating loudly with every breath I took, pain ripping through my body, making me stumble, tripping on a concealed vine I fell on the yellow and bright brown leaves that skidded away by the wind, falling down a slope into more.2
I froze, as if I was paralyzed. When was the last time I saw the autumn leaves outside my garden, before I felt that grasp around my body? I didn't know. but they were so beautiful that my mind refused to move. The alluring scent of them made me breathe a sigh of relief almost, the loud sound of them crackling under my weight almost made me smile.3
But the autumn leaves could not stop my heart beating loudly from fear. I had to thank my heart later for that, bringing me back to my senses with it's loud inevitable pumping.4
I scrambled to my feet at the sound of my pursuers shouting, giving away my presence by the sound of the leaves whisking away.5
They told me to stop, even my body was telling me to stop but I refused to let go of my desire to be free once again. To breathe Earth's air, to touch it's sky and feel its nature. I had to.6
I tripped, landing in a patch of snow that made matters even more strange. What was the autumn, and the winter doing together? I spent no less than five seconds thinking about it, rolling over into a bush that scratched at me. I saw paws stepping into view, hearing my heart beat even faster then before. I was afraid I wasn't the only one able to hear it, even though I knew that was a ridiculous thought unless my pursuers had the ears of a thousand cats.7
After a few mutterings, they turned away through the snow, kicking it in anger. I flinched but held my mouth to keep from a soft gasp, but my heart lurched when one of them stopped in my track, seeing my crimson blood that stained the snow where I had fallen.8
He dabbed at the snow patch of blood, sniffing it, snow sticking to his wet dog-nose.9
I shook with fear, seeing his snout and then his eyes looking up at me. I kicked him in the nose, screaming and shoving my way out of the bushes, hearing him curse loudly I kept running, but soon, they were catching up to my pace. I brushed pass a trash can, knocking it over. I was entering the city, away from the forest.10
I figured I'd be safe there. It's the city, with loads of pedestrians walking about. If there were several people, my pursuers wouldn't dare try and take me back in the middle of a big crowd, but my hopes on that were dying on dawn's approach. If dawn was just coming... That would mean almost everyone remained asleep with very few people walking around.11
I almost froze at that thought, giving up, but the second I heard my pursuers paws pounding on the floor... I remembered... The cold medal on my wrists and ankles. The rattling of the chains... My years of imprisonment. I couldn't take it much longer, I was breaking and after all the years I spent there I found my way out. I had to keep going even if I might be running to a peak.
I'm a fallen angel. An angel with no wings, one that cannot take flight... trapped and shackled no-more.
I found freedom in lost hope. and hope in freedom.12
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Author notes
Obviously, this is not a short-story. Prologue is up atop! Though, the way I ended it sounded like it was a short story 
. It's a bit patchy... Maybe a LOT! I've never tried first-person before, and I don't like it, I can't stand it... but I thought maybe I should try it. if I write first-person, maybe I can read them easier. but writing first-person totally screws up the way I write... 
I'm so use to third-person, there is just something about first-person I can't take. What made me chance writing it? I thought I said. xD. Lot of stories on here are first-person, but if I can't stand reading them, I can't comment cause I won't finish reading. so I thought maybe I can fix it, by writing it!!
Oh, the genres thing isn't just what the chapter contains xD
A contest entry
- Anything and Everything - CRITIQUE Contest by amanda vampiress.
175 points, ended October 30, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Just about Anything, really. by E Ardania.
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Honorable mention
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The prologue is suppose to leave confusing questions xD
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I'm not going to say anything about grammar/spelling cuz right now I'm not reading to edit. Just reading to read. I loved paragraph 12 - "My years of imprisonment. I couldn't take it much longer, I was breaking and after all the years I spent there I found my way out. I had to keep going even if I might be running to a peak.
I'm a fallen angel. An angel with no wings, one that cannot take flight... trapped and shackled no-more.
I found freedom in lost hope. and hope in freedom."
Especially this part of it, this was where I really got attached to your character.
A quick suggestion - for future writings, try to get your readers ensnared into your story right from the start. When I read the first sentence of every story I've ever read, I look for something in the first sentence that makes me want to continue. Like with your first sentence, "I embraced the shiver the cold wind sent through my body, blowing strong against me as if to strip me of my balance." I immediately questioned myself, "Why is this character accepting this coldness? Where is this character, and what is this character doing there?" Great writing.
Also, besides ensnaring your readers, try to get your readers emotionally attached to your character. Then when you end your piece, the readers can really feel what your character has felt/is feeling. Again, great writing, and I want to see more of this!
~*MJ*~
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Chapter two will be either today or tomorrow
, probably won't be as interesting as this one though. Thanks 
. I'll try and read one of your stories when I can
~MartialDemon
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I haven't really read through the other comments, so if I repeat anything they said, sorry
There are a few awkward sentences, but very few. You have quite a polished writing style! There are also some commas in the wrong place, or some that could be added (but I think I might be being a bit picky there). I noticed a couple of misspelt words
"they were so beautiful the my mind refused to move" - "that my mind refused to move"?
"The cold medal on my wrists " - "the cold metal"?
Overall, I liked where it was going and would love to read more. Nice work!
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Coming down with a cold, I'll try and update when I can, but there most likely won't be any until a week.
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Thanks xD. The next chapter will be up either today, or tomorrow. the was suppose to be that, I thought I putted that.... I saw 'that' when I read it, oh well.
~MartialDemon
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I thought this was a good in the sense that you did a nice job of drawing the reader in and I would think make them want to read more. The thing I do not like about it is that it seems too wordy and it seems to me you are trying to hard to impressive people with your wordplay. I would suggest going through and seeing what words you could take out or phrases you could reword and still not lose any of the meaning. I thing there are some and I think it would make a good piece even better
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Too wordy? I'm actually not trying to hard... I'm just... writing... That happens to me often, stories of mine become "Wordy" cause I get sucked up in writing and then I don't know what I'm writing, and it comes out so fancy. Can't fix that :/
~MartialDemon
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I guess an editor can catch those mistakes.
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Bah, I'm coming down with a cold.... :/. So I won't be able to update my stories for now.
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lol well everyone said about grammer, so i won't even bother, and to be honest ... yours was good compared to mine lol
this is something i would like to read more of, and considering this was your first story at first person, i thought this was verry well written.
Keep up the great work!
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Apart from grammatical errors that have been brought to your attention already this is a very well written piece. Although writing in first-person is not comfortable for you, you're a good enough writer to handle it with ease. And its appropriate for a prologue.
I'm not usually into this particular genre, but I so want to know what's going to happen next! -
p3 "I didn't know. but they were so beautiful the my mind refused to move." I think you meant to put, I didn't know, but they were so beautiful that my mind refused to move.
p3 Breathe, not breath
p6 It's should be its. It's is a contraction, the possesive form doesn't have the apostrophe.
p12 Is medal supposed to be metal?
Now that I've gotten the editing out of the way. This was very well done. Aside from the editing tips I gave you, I really can't think of any advice to give. For a first try at first person, you did really well.
I actually like first person because it gives you leave to be a bit more casual in your writing style, though I like third person, too.
Anyway. Great job and keep it up!
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Well of course there would be mistakes... xD. Thankssssssss
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The prologue is supposed to leave questions so that's good. I was wondering why the character was running and from whom exactly. Their were a several punctuation errors and misspelled words but I did enjoy reading this. Keep writing, even in first person. I felt you did well.
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Well, where the punctuation was, that is actually where I did want people to make a quick pause. but maybe it was wrong xD. As for the misspelled words I don't quite know what you are talking about. "Pursuers"?
About the writing, I always get so sucked up in it, that I lose myself, become unaware of everything, even what I'm typing. when I stop typing, stuck on what to type next. I shake my head and wonder what I just did xD. Which is why I don't like to write ones like this, where the character is running, or being kidnapped cause then I get "creeped" out cause I saw it all in my head and get paranoid, thinking that it will happen to me-...Why the heck am I talking about this? I'll keep quiet now. Thanks for reading
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