The Only Girl

No longer a virgin; the morning after1

I awoke that morning with Nick shaking me gently. He had prepared me breakfast, I looked outside and saw that I was quite early and wondered why he woken me up for breakfast at this time. He lay back down beside me looking at me.2

“Yesterday was amazing.” He said.3

I liked how he didn’t say ‘last night’ like it was some sleazy action. I couldn’t think of anything to say to this so I didn’t say anything. He moved closer to me and gently grabbed my wrists. My scars were clearly visible to him and he stared at them. I could clearly see the marks I’d make a few days ago, the ones I made a few weeks ago I could even see the marks I made a year ago. Each scar etched into my skin for every time someone had hurt me.4

“Why don’t you pull you hand away?” he asked after a few minutes.5

I snapped out of my thinking and looked at him. What was he doing?6

“Why don’t you let go?” I asked.7

“Tell me why.”8

And I knew why. Because he wanted me to see what I’ve become. What I’ve done to myself. He wanted me to tell him what each and every one of my scars was for. Why I hurt myself in order to maintain my sanity.9

He ran his hand down my scars.10

I flinched, he touched it in such a soft way not like they way they were done. Every night the razor would be in my hand slicing away at my skin in such a violent manner and he was touching it like it was delicate. 11

“Tell me everything, Mae, tell me.” He pleaded.12

“Why?” I didn’t owe him anything, just like I didn’t owe anyone anything, he didn’t deserve to know my problems let alone be burdened with it,13

“You know why.” He said.14

Did I really? Maybe I did but I wasn’t going to accept that.15

“So you can walk out of my life again just like everyone else. I don’t want to open up to someone who can walk in and out of my life again just like that. I don’t want to be hurt again.”16

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said.17

I sat up.18

“But you do, just like everyone else. Though most people’s hurt is intentional. You don’t know what it’s like Nick. To love someone so bad and tell them everything for them to turn around and hurt you and then leave you, you don’t know what its like, Do you have any idea how much I love you? You could destroy me just like that. You left me before, just like everyone else. You’re just like all the rest.” I started to cry so hard “And don’t pretend that you don’t know. You know everything so why are you doing this?”19

“I want to help you. You’re right I am going to walk out of your life but I’m not going to leave you alone, I’m not going to through anything back in your face. I just want to help you know because your emotions are killing you. Bottling up your feelings is no good, you need to realise that and see someone.”20

So he thought I was mad. That’s why, that’s why I’m sitting here crying. How stupid, I’m in perfect control of my feelings and I don’t need anyone telling me how I’m feeling. But now I wasn’t feeling mad, I was feeling regretful. Nick wanted to help me but why? Why put up with someone as difficult as me? Why bother?21

“How can you bear it?” I whispered. “How can you want to touch me or even want to help me, when I’m like this? Look at me I’m a mess.” I said gesturing to my arm.22

“I am looking at you, and I can see the real you. She doesn’t need to pretend to be strong she just needs love. “He said sitting up “look at me. I love you and I know that is hard to believe but I do, but we both know that this can never last. But I love you, even your scars. They are a part of you; they will make you who you are one day. One day you’ll stop cutting and you’ll be strong.” He said caressing my face.23

The tears began to fall faster than before. I couldn’t believe it this man loved me. Loved me so much. It was what I wanted but I didn’t want him to go, I wanted him with me forever.24