All We Are (Is a Result of What We Were)

'Luke Snyder felt everything. The damp, gelid grass below him pricked his bare skin like thousands of obtuse needles; tender fingers caressed his skin breathlessly, and a lean body loomed above him, warmed with intense eyes. Hands slid lower until they entangled around Luke’s legs, raising them slightly and exposing him to the world. In the sky, he caught a glimpse of the moon and stars: incandescent, heavenly, and their only witnesses.1

“Am I weak?” he noiselessly asked them. Abysmal winks were his only replies, and he despondently accepted them as a yes.2

Fingers pressed against him, moving surprisingly slow and deliberate, filling him until his bubbling emotions threatened to over-spill like a waterfall. His eyes drifted up, meeting a beauteous wanton stare.3

“Noah…” Luke whispered. His fear exploded like delicate glass shattering, unveiling through his broken voice and trembling body. His hands latched around Noah’s neck, and Noah lowered himself until their faces were mere inches apart. His fingers glided to Noah’s face, lightly tracing over everything from smooth cheeks to trembling lips. Noah sighed quietly, and when he finally spoke his voice was soft like satin, carried amply by the soft breeze.4

“I’m right here, Luke. I’m not going anywhere.”5

A choked sob escaped Luke, and he pulled Noah down until their lips met in a clumsy kiss, wet and ardent and filled with wrestling tongues, heavy sighs, and the remote promise of forever.6

‘But will you still be here tomorrow? Will either of us?'7

He shut his eyes forcefully, hoping to squander his obstinate thoughts. His legs circled firmly around Noah’s waist while tears escaped from him like uncontainable fireworks, thunderous and pronounced. In the distance, he heard crickets moving swiftly, making their signature clamor. Tree leaves gently danced against one another, the wind stringing their movement. He imagined himself being pulled out of his body, floating to where he was invincible; where nobody could hurt him, even Noah. He'd be free, and so would his heart.8

“It would never break...” he thought. In his mind, his body was dancing effortlessly with the leaves, as fluid as streaming water. He floated higher, to where the clouds touched his skin with fleeting embraces and stars threatened to break him.9

'But I won’t break…'10

Noah placed his mouth near Luke’s ear, encompassing it with minuscule bites and warm air. He journeyed down to Luke’s chest, showering the luminous skin with dense kisses. After a while, he paused in his movements and slowly slid up Luke’s body. Their eyes met, shining in the obscurity of the night. They kissed, lips moving leisurely and tongues rolling sweetly over each other. And as Noah’s lips repeatedly enchanted ‘I love you,’ Luke felt Noah enter him, stretching the area until the tearing pain reached unbearable. He let out a gasp, and securely closed himself around Noah. After a while he took a deep breath, sensing a shimmer of pleasure behind the ache. As his mind floated up to where the clouds and stars slept, he heartily told himself he could survive through all of what was killing him; the pain, the bliss, and the body moving dotingly inside of him. He could do it.11

“And I won’t break…” he whispered shakily.'12

*******************************************************************************************************************************13

Luke Snyder was stuck. Like a spider in its own web, or someone waist deep in quicksand; he was translucently stuck. He stared at the blank page in front of him and let out a frustrated groan. Two days. He had only two days to finish writing one-thousand words, and he hadn't even written one. The assignment was simple enough; answer three questions out of a series of 100, all in an essay format. He had even picked his three questions already ('What do you believe makes a successful life?' 'If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?' and 'What is your greatest fear?')14

His problem now lied in concentrating long enough to start. But his mind kept envisaging a certain blue-eyed God; a gorgeous, tall, slim, blue-eyed God with the most awe-inspiring smile. His shy and discerning manner had caught Luke's eyes nearly a year ago, stealthily stealing Luke's heart in the process. They'd started innocently, smiling at one another in the crowded halls; accidentally brushing each others arms, and Luke could even admit to purposely dropping his things in front of Noah, just for the opportunity to talk to the man who held his heart. Finally, they exchanged phone numbers, and the day came when Noah pulled Luke aside in front of the entire school population, kissed him breathless, and while on his knees, asked Luke out. Luke had said yes without a second thought.15

But during the year they dated, Luke realized something that absolutely terrified him. It kept him awake at night, tossing and turning in his sleep, and wondering when morning would bless him.16

He realized Noah was incredible. He was kind, honest, immaculate, and reliable; the kind of man most father's would be happy to see with their daughter. And there lied the other problem. Noah was undoubtedly popular with the girls. His slightly geeky and goofy demeanor charmed most girls, his hypnotizing smile finishing them. Luke felt that everywhere he turned, another girl was vying for Noah's attention, and it broke him a little every single time. He'd started taking his anger out on Noah, hurting them both in the process. And then, just a week ago, everything had exploded out into the open, and the two had yelled at each other until their throats were dry and throbbing. And what began with pristine smiles and teasing glances, ended with heartbreaking confessions, steamy kisses, infinite tears, and Luke losing his virginity.17

He shut his eyes tightly and, out of frustration, ripped a page out of his notebook. The poor paper ended up crumbled and futile, and Luke carelessly tossed it aside. He glanced up sadly, noting that it was his favorite time of day, when the sunset stroked the sky with psychedelic shades of indigo, orange, and pink, as if he himself had painted it. The air held an almost magical essence, humid with a mild wind. His eyes shifted to the creek, shining with colors from the sky. Normally, it all never ceased to overwhelm him, but today it reminded him that he was alone, with no one to marvel at the miraculous beauty. He closed his eyes again, allowing the breeze to carry him away, and inhaled deeply, the strong smell of lawn fertilizer and grass inhabiting him.18

The wind blew his blond bangs in odd directions, and for a moment, he felt like he’d left earth. Like he was watching this person named Luke from a distance. This Luke: with his blond hair, brown eyes, and his desire to inspire. When would he ever stop screwing up?19

***************************************************************************************************************************20

'They were moving together now, fast and fervently. Their sweat caused them to slip against each other easily. Noah leaned down and kissed Luke, hard enough to bruise him, yet soft enough to take his breath away; a kiss that conveyed what neither of them could say with words. They pulled apart, panting heavily.21

“Luke--” Noah started.22

“Just shut up and kiss me…” Luke demanded, pulling Noah down until their lips crashed. He felt Noah hit something in him, and he let out a loud moan. Noah paused, before beginning to assault Luke's body; his nipples, his neck, his ears; everything he could possibly reach. "Luke..." he whispered. He grabbed Luke's hand, pulling it to where the two were connected. He watched the way Luke's eyes widened with amazement and flooded with tears, and swiftly pulled Luke up until they were sitting. His arms wrapped around Luke's waist, and he tenderly kissed the blond's shoulder. "Luke..." he whispered again. He pulled back slightly to stare at the blond in his lap, but Luke averted his eyes.23

"Please, don't, Noah..."24

Don’t say anything. It’s better this way…'25

**************************************************************************************************************************
"Luke..." A familiar voice softly said his name, and Luke felt his body stiffen. The voice was one that had occupied his dreams for the past year, stimulating and scaring him at the same time. Now his cheek was gently being touched by a shaking finger, and his eyes shot open. He found himself lying on the cool grass and staring up at Noah Mayer. Noah's mouth dropped in shock, and he quickly moved to sit next to Luke.26

"...Um, your dad said you'd be back here."27

Luke sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. He felt as if he were a mindless puppet controlled by an unknown master, and his strings were continually being yanked in diverse directions. He had no idea what he'd do next. His heart was aching terribly, like someone had thrown it on the ground, stomped on it and placed it back, squished and useless. He wanted nothing more than for the pain to dissipate like snow melting on his fingers.28

His gaze shifted to the sky.The sun was nearly gone now, its last few fingers waving goodbye. Don't say goodbye...Luke dismally thought. A shiver ran up his body, and he wrapped his arms around his body.29

"Are you cold?" Noah asked, leaning towards him.30

"I'm fine." Luke vainly forced himself to stop shaking. A few seconds later, his teeth were nearly shattering. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Noah taking off his jacket. The jacket was placed on Luke's shoulders, and Luke let out a grunt of thanks. He heard Noah chuckle softly.31

"Don't worry about it."32

They sat in silence for a while, listening to each other breathing. In the far distance Luke sighted dragonflies, whipping right and left before rushing away. He glanced at the oak tree, standing bulky and strong near them. Leaves fell adjacently, small huddles forming near the bottom of the tree. In the corner of his mind, he noticed the scars and scratches that marked the tree. He wondered how old the tree was, to have been hurt so badly already.33

"I've missed you..." Noah muttered faintly.34

Luke turned to face him. "What did you say?"35

"I said...I've missed you."36

Luke gulped thickly. His heart began throbbing more, and he felt as though he were the oak tree; vulnerable and marred. "...You must be cold."37

"Luke?"38

"They-they say that to keep warm, you have to share body heat." He moved closer to Noah and opened the jacket wide, leaving enough room for Noah to slide in. Their eyes met and locked. Noah moved until they were side by side, like they'd been glued together. Luke could feel his resolve to remain reticent slowly breaking.39

"Noah, I..." He paused. "Did you ever think you could fly?"40

He turned to Noah, finding the brunette staring at him intently. "What do you mean?"41

"I mean--like, as a kid." He pulled at small shards of grass. "I remember I used to think that if I could just get to the highest place possible, I'd be able to fly off it...Did you ever think like that?"42

Noah smiled slightly. "Yeah, sort of. I remember, when I was younger, everything seemed so much bigger. It was like this entire world was made just for me; just so I could become something incredible." They were quiet again, watching the fireflies dance in the distance.43

"...What are you afraid of?" Luke asked after a moment.44

"...A lot of things." He bumped Luke's shoulder. "Not becoming something incredible, for one. I'm afraid that years from now, I'll look back and realize that I never became any of the things I dreamt about as a kid."45

"Like a director?" Luke asked with a hint of a smile.46

"Exactly. I don't want to live wondering about all the possibilities and 'what if's'." His eyes shifted to Luke's face. "...And I definitely don't want to live with any regrets, and I don't want my regrets to be a cause of my fears." He paused to take a breath. "I don't want to be that guy. Ever." He leaned closer to Luke. "And a week ago, I was afraid that I might never see the person I loved again."47

Luke's heart nearly stopped, and he let out a soft gasp. "Are you...still afraid?"48

"I'm not sure. I have to wait and see if he still loves me." Noah's arms slid tightly around Luke's waist, squeezing delicately.49

"Noah..." Luke whispered. Noah's quivering fingers reached his face again, sliding up and down Luke’s cheek. Luke pulled back slightly, and gazed at the grass. "Do you ever think about the future?"50

"Where's this all coming from, Luke?"51

"I just need to know if...I mean---do you...ever think about me being a part of it?'52

Noah's back straightened, and his hands grasped Luke's head. "You don't get it. You still don't get it...Ever since I first kissed you, my mind was made up that I needed you around. Not just wanted; not just loved...But needed..."53

"Noah..."54

"I still feel that way, Luke. And I always will."55

Their faces were drawing closer, lips cautiously seeking even the slightest of contact. This time, it seemed like gravity was controlling Luke's every action, pulling him closer to his now, forever, and always. And he could no longer fight against it. "...He still loves you Noah. He'd have to be an idiot not to."56

Noah let out a deep breath. "I was sort of hoping you'd say that." Their lips touched, and Luke felt like he was flying. Noah's hands drifted into Luke's shirt, caressing the skin tenderly, and he repeatedly whispered the words 'I'm sorry' against Luke's lips. When they pulled apart, Luke rested his head in the crook of Noah's chest, inhaling the scent of Noah's cologne. It smelled like home, and the thought made him tear up. He sniffled, before inaudibly whispering. "I wasn't ready..."57

Noah squeezed him tightly. "I know...But I wanted so badly to believe you were..."58

Luke finally let himself break, leaving pieces for Noah to put back together. "It wasn't supposed to happen like that..." He sobbed. Noah's hands rubbed soothing circles on the small of Luke's back, while his fingers ran through Luke's hair. A part of him hated that he was letting Noah see this side of him, while another part thought of the scarred oak tree. No matter how perfect it had been at one point, its growth wasn't experienced without some pain; some of it internally formed, others externally. The tree still remained standing, statuesque and tenacious. And Luke wanted to be able to get there too; a place where he was content and unbreakable; a place where he felt as strong as the oak tree.59

Noah kissed his head gently, and in the pause of Luke's tears, pulled back until they were looking directly at each other. "I think you can fly, Luke. Anywhere you want," he confessed. "It's not impossible for you. Just take me with you when you finally decide to use those wings, okay?"60

Luke pulled Noah until their foreheads touched, and let out a shaky breath. "Wherever I go...I want you to be there, with me..."61

*********************************************************************************************************************************62

'It had started with explosions and anger, and had simmered to bright lights and pure piety. Every time he moved slowly up Noah's length, he let out a soft moan, and then another when he slid back down. His legs were wrapped around Noah's waist, his arms around Noah's neck, and he realized that he'd never felt more at home then he did in Noah's lap. They kissed slowly, like ice melting on a counter. Noah's fingers slid to Luke's a'ss, and he squeezed and pinched the skin lightly before touching the part of him still inside Luke's body; the part that still attached them together.63

"God..." Noah whispered in awe. "I love you...so much...."64

It was the first time he'd said the three words, and Luke found himself stunned into silence. Noah repeated it, over and over again as if it were an infectious pop song that was plastered in his mind.65

"Noah, please..." he muttered. "Just make love to me..."66

Noah paused. "...I thought I was..."67

"Just never stop, okay? Never stop..."'68

********************************************************************************************************************************69

Noah held him tightly. Luke's dad had already called for them to come in but they were still outside, holding each other like there was no tomorrow. It was one of those moments that Luke both loved and hated; the ones that seemed so perfect that nothing in the future could possibly match them. He tightened his grip around Noah's neck and planted a kiss near the bottom of his ear.70

"Is it really okay, Luke?" Noah asked quietly.71

"Is what okay?"72

"You said before that--that our first time wasn't supposed to happen the way it did...Do you still feel that way?"73

Luke shifted in Noah's arms. "I don't know. I thought, for a while, that everything was ruined. Our first time was supposed to be romantic and perfect, and I didn't think it was."74

"And now?"75

"Now...I still don't think it was perfect, but that's alright; because it was you and me. And that's all I ever wanted."76

"...I love you, Luke. You and only you; now and forever and always." Noah's voice kept breaking, but he kept talking all the same. "I need you to know that I never see anyone else but you. And that scares the shit out of me."77

"Noah..."78

"And I know you love me too, but sometimes I can't help feeling that you deserve so much more than what I can give you; that I keep failing you. And that's not fair to you, because you deserve someone incredible..."79

"But Noah, you are--"80

"--And I want so badly to be that person..."81

"Noah--"82

"But I think, with time, I can become that person. I just need time. And when I'm ready, years from now, can you promise me that we'll will fly away together; just the two of us?"83

"Noah, I..."84

"Promise me, Luke..."85

"I-I promise, Noah." The pain that had earlier resided in Luke's heart had floated away, up to the sky where it could be tossed around amongst the stars and moon. He placed a kiss on Noah's shoulder. "And Noah? You don't have to worry. You already are incredible. You always have been...and you always will be."86

********************************************************************************************************************************87

Later that night, Luke collapsed head-first onto his bed and let out a sigh of happiness. His arms spread out like he was about to take off, and in his mind he pictured jumping off the tallest tree, Noah's hand in his. He crawled into bed and pulled his sheets up to his chest, placing his notebook on his lap; open and waiting. His phone vibrated, and he quickly flipped it open.88

Don't ever stop dreaming- It's sort of why I love you...89

G'Night90

Love, Noah91

A smile tickled his face, and like lightning had struck him, he realized exactly what he needed to write. He realized what made a successful life, what he would change about his past, and ultimately his greatest fear. His fingers dashed across his phone's keyboard.92

And don't you ever stop believing. In you, in me, and in us. It's sort of why I love you...93

Sweet dreams94

Love, Luke95

He clicked send and leaned back, his arms folding behind his head. He had finally made it, without breaking, to the place where he felt content and strong, just like his oak tree. He still had his obtrusive flaws and intrinsic wounds, but they could no longer hold him back. He was free.96

All I need from here onwards is for Noah to be here tomorrow, and the next day, and so-forth; his arms wide open for me.Most things don't last forever, doomed to disappear eventually, no matter how tightly you hold on to them. But I think the two of us are stronger than that. No--I know we are.97

With his thoughts running in his head, he picked up his pen.98

And he began writing.