Did I lock the back door? Did I? I’m sure I did. I remember the click it made when I bolted it. Did I lock it tonight, though? Or had I imagined I’d locked it yesterday? What about the front door? Did I lock it? Did I? Did I?1
I sat up, turned on the lamp, and ran my hand through my hair. It was damp. I stared at the bedroom door. The doctors told me that doing something once was the best, not four times. Once. Once. Once was the best. I wanted to run my hand through my hair again, wanted to feel the sweat again, wanted to lie down and sit up again. Once was best. Once. Once. Only once.2
“Penny, what’s wrong?”3
I wanted to turn to you, my husband, my sweet Paul, but I couldn’t. What if I had an urge to turn to you more than once? What if I wanted to tell you there was nothing wrong more than once? What if? What if?4
I wrapped myself in my arms, began rocking back and forth. I felt your hand on my shoulder and stood, began pacing, shaking. I stared at you, tried to smile, but tears began streaming down my face.5
“Have you been taking your medication, baby?” you asked, throwing off the covers. I watched as you stood in front of me, staring into my eyes. I wanted to kiss you, but what if I wanted to kiss you more than once? Once was best.6
I wiped my eyes. “I can’t sleep when I take it. The therapy helps me.” I began rubbing my arms. “Once is best. Once. Once. Once.”7
I felt your arms around me, pulled me close, and kissed the top of my head. I thought about leaving the bedroom, going down the hall to check the front door and then the back.8
“It’s my fault they took her.”9
I thought about Bridget, our daughter. When she was born, she completed all that I wanted: a house, husband, baby. She had sweet little golden curls and eyes that looked as if they’d been sent from the noonday sky. She was beautiful. So beautiful. She would have grown into a beautiful woman, if I hadn’t been so stupid, so careless.10
I didn’t lock the door that night, the night they took her. I thought I had. I hadn’t. I had spent so much time preparing for your return home the next day that I was tired. So tired. It was my fault she was gone. It was my fault our baby girl was gone.11
“It’s not your fault,” you say, running your hands through my hair. “It’s not your fault.”12
I couldn’t help thinking about your expression in the hospital, coming back from the meeting on a red-eye flight. I was lying on the bed, hooked up to a machine. I told you that our baby girl had been kidnapped by the same mob that had attacked me. I remember your head dropping, how cold your hand felt in mine.13
“They found her, Penny. She’s dead.”14
I will never forget how my heart stopped in that instant. It felt as if it would leap out of my chest, but it shattered into a million pieces instead. My mind did too. I would never be the same. Never.15
“It’s my fault more than it is yours. I wasn’t here.” I look at you, realize that tears are falling down your cheeks. I have never seen you cry. At Bridget’s funeral, you covered your eyes with shades. It hurts me more, seeing you cry. “I’m sorry this has happened to you.”16
I raise my hands up, wipe away your tears with my thumbs, and smile through my own tears. “We’re going to be ok, Paul. We’re going to be ok. Just hold me.”17
As you held me, I looked at the bedroom door and thought about the front and back doors. Once was best. Once. Once Once. I turned away and stared at the bed, thinking about tomorrow.
Author notes
♦ Write about mental illness.
A contest entry
- Literary Passion Group Contest # 5 by Lady Pixie.
175 points, ended November 2, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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this is a really cool read. it really goes into the mind of a paranoid person. i should know i tend to check and see if i locked the doors about 4 times before i can go to sleep lol. this was really good i liked it. good job. i love reading your stories your a very talented writer.
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A well deserved gold trophy....I like your writing...like Lady Pixie, your stories are the ones that I do take the time to really really read, as opposed to just skimming through them.
A bit of envy mixed with admiration for your writing skill, hmmm I will have to read more of your work in the future, I love to read and enjoy reading work so well writtne that I don't stumble over the SPaGs, I am clumsy that way.
Well done, and a story to be proud of....you were definitely in The Zone as the athletes would say.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hello Lady E.
This was sad, realistic, emotional and brilliant. I liked it. I had promised you to comment before but then I forgot.
Anyways, all in all a good read. Thanks for sharing.Farhan.
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this is brilliant the emotions portrayed are shown through effectively and it has a nice flow. I could really relate to this and it is very believable! I look forward to reading some more of your work!
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This extrmeley emotional, with a twist that I did not expect. A touching story beautifully written. It was amazing, and I can definetly see how it is the most popular story on SW today. Wonderful
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Overall exceptional. I've never suffered from OCD, thankfully, but your writing put me right in the mind of someone who does. The root of her problem, or the main one, was sad and believable and it added a nice twist to the story. I really enjoyed this.
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Great Short Piece
I think that you expressed the emotions of someone with OCD very well. Her emotions seem real and her words all seem meaningful and the way you wrote the story was very good. I think that you got into the mind of the character rather well for such a short piece of writing. I enjoyed this and will be reading more of your stuff--as is usual--in the upcoming weeks/days and months.
I think that your characters are always realistic, but some of them seem more relatable than others. I can feel what Penny is going through and how she feels about it very well and that is always a good thing with stories and other forms of writing. To get the readers' mind to feel a certain way is a special thing... only a true writer can do such a thing.
Sorry it took me so long to read this. I just haven't been on the computer that much lately.
Keep up the great work and don't stop writing... unless you ACTUALLY want to stop writing.
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Superb!!!
At the beginning i did not catch what you trying to deliver.
That's my bad actually,but things become clear when I am half way through and I realized was a great piece of masterpiece.
I can even felt the emotion from reading your work.
Bravo to you...Nice work^^
language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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For thos who suffer from OCD, I sympathise. You wrote this so well ... I felt each word as I read. You really put across the feeling of panic well. I think this is an excellent piece of writing, filled with real emotion!
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I never realize a tradegy could bring on OCD. But I really don't know much about it except that I have suffered from a mild case most of my life.
Such a heart breaking story. Why would someone steal a baby and kill it? So sad. She is so lucky to have a husband who can be so understanding.
Trish
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Fascinating the reason behind this woman's mental illness. You have depicted the struggle of an OCD sufferer so well.
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Very Good
Your writing really made me get into the main character's head. I could feel her frantic longing to check the doors as I read, and I almost wanted to her check the doors just to ease her agitation.
Excellent use of words. The only thing I noticed that might not have been intentional was 'Once Once' in the second-to-last sentence. Was that done on purpose? It's becomes a little ironic that the poor lady has to tell herself 'Once' three or four times to remember to only do things once.
Over all, really great piece of writing. It makes me wish it was longer.
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Whoa, that's a great story. Sad, but with a bit of hope at the end, in spite of a continuing condition. At least she has someone there with her.
If it's evening, I visually check that our house's locks are locked, every time I walk past the doors, because of trauma in my past. Every time, even if I already looked at it that evening. That "burn me twice, shame on me" thing. Even though said trauma didn't involve locks at all, nor even my own residence. Ah well. I completely identified with your character's PTSD here. I'm not sure it's straight OCD since it's trauma related.
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Hey Lady E,
This is a sad but realistic look at what such a tragedy can do to the mind. I can understand her need to double check the locks now. I would think the same thing after going through that.
The doctor who told her she should do things only once did more harm than help by saying that. It gave her something else to worry about. In that respect this also gives an example of what false medical advise can do to your thinking.
I mention it because I know someone that happened to and upon seeing a different doctor she was told something different and the problem gradually went away once she changed the habit started by the first doctor.
As the others mentioned, it was nice to see them being supportive of each other rather than trying to lay blame. That in itself can go a long way in helping them get over the guilt they feel.
Very nicely written and thought out.
Greg
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WoW! Wonderful so full of emotion. You really captured a tortured mind. I agree with gray2020beard. i love how they are supporting and not condeming each other,
Great story, sad but wonderful.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hey Lady Eventide,
Sad story here and a good description of what could happen when guilt eats at one's mind. The way they each try to assume the blame for the situation seems very realistic. I liked the support, instead of recrimination, these two give each other. Very well written
Steve
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Hmmm!
A case of beating oneself up over a tragic incident. No thought given to the fact the real villains of the piece are those that carried out the violence and the kidnapping.There is an irony in the fact the doctors have told Penny that it is best to do something only once, when in fact, checking more than once to ensure the door was locked may have helped prevent the tragedy.
This little piece proves that violence and tragedy can, and often does, damage the mind as well as flesh and bone.
Superb in its execution, I found this to be a heart-wrenching read and my sympathies for the mother reach out unfettered. It must be difficult for someone unaffected to try and convince the mother it is not her fault.
Too many people believe mental illness is due to dementia or madness, and I believe this story proves otherwise.
Nicely written, stirring the emotions of love and despair while at the same time hoping the mind can be cleansed of guilt.
Once again dear Lady E, you have proved to be a wonderful writer.
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*sniff sniff* Hold up...I have a runny nose...
Your story was very emotionally captivating. I loved how she checks the doors and makes sure that their locked...and how she keeps trying to tell herself that she forgot/did lock them.
Mental illness is probably, always, written about as someone who is completely insane...you did an excellent job disproving that.
Another amazing short story by Lady E!
-dancer.
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Emotional
This is brilliant, you have captured the mood very well and given it a reason. I know people with OCD and you brought out their mode of thinking so well with the repetion of 'once'. It seemed almost like a counter rhythem to a heartbeat. Your way with words and your ability to draw out feelings and make them real is second to none.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent
How could a sad story be more perfect. With the use of once over and over you added so much to the story and the mental capacity of the woman.
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This is a very powerful, emotional story. You did so well capturing the feelings, the thoughts, the non-stop cycle that the brain goes through in a situation like this.
I have PTSD from growing up with an abusive father and although I don't have OCD, I have panic and anxiety disorder and my mind will race like this, over and over again. What if, what if, what if. . .you captured that emotion, that horrible, unbeatable pattern, so very well. I think that's what made your story so eerily realistic.
You've done a beautiful job with this piece. Keep up the great work. -
A very heartbreaking and emotional story that was full of description as well. You did well with the prompt and I loved the repetiveness of "once". Wonderful write here
Thank you for entering and for being a part of the group 
Pixie
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I simply loved it. There's not much to say. It was a very sad piece of writing, yet it is just wonderful. A marvel of a read.
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Devastating
"eyes that looked as if they’d been sent from the noonday sky." This description is so powerful. Hope you can use it again in a happier story although it does set up the pain later in the story. This is an excellent story and I hope not a personal memoir.
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This is very well written. I can really understand the way she must be feeling, wanting to do everything repeatedly. I myself am suspected of having OCD, so I can really relate to this.
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I absolutely loved it very well written and so touching I cried very nice work
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This was very well written lady E. I greatly enjoyed it. I agree with the comment before me. The repetition of the word once was perfect, it added drama to it. The one word held a lot of the story in it. This was also a sad story...things like this shouldn't happen but they do. Great job writing this and good luck in your contest.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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The repitition about "once" was so gripping. There was almost an entrancing quality about it that pulls you in and hypnotizes you. "Once, Once, Once..." And the whole idea is so laced with regret that its maddening! The emotions were so realistic that it's just so depressing, so sad...But really good writing though! Overall,I really enjoyed reading it even though the part of the baby girl's death was so tragic.
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Awww
The story is pretty heart-breaking, it brought tears to my eyes!
You seem to know what you're talking about with the ocd. Do you have it, or do you just know a lot about it?
Great read though
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