For as long as they could remember it had been hot. In this parched sun soaked land of ours the skies were an endless haze of light, without clouds, without relief. The children couldn’t remember a time when the sun didn’t shine down and scorch the cracked earth, baking it a crusty golden brown. They knew not of the rain, or the cold, or the winter. All they knew of was the sun that kept the Earth in an eternal blistering summer. But there had been a time, long ago, when the heavens had gathered and relinquished a sweet crystal fall of showers that soaked the earth and cooled the planet, when summer had faded to winter and the first flakes of cold had blanketed everything in a pure layer of snow. But that had been long ago, and now there was only the sun. Sometimes, I’d tell the children about the rain and winter, and they’d stare at me in rapt wonder as they listened to a world that seemed so different to theirs, so strange that it was almost magical. 1
“Really, you’ve seen snow and rain?” They’d always ask. “What was it like? Tell us, what was it like?” 2
I was only a little child then, no more than five, but I could never forget how it had been. The smell of grass after a storm, the autumn breezes that danced amongst copper trees, winter days filled with hot chocolate and soft, sprinkling rain... Those memories were my companions in this world of light and heat. If anyone had said back then that the future was not a sterile place of robotics and technology, but one of incredible drought they would’ve been called mad. Yet ninety years on and this was what the world had come to. The signs had been plentiful, but too absorbed in themselves mankind had ignored them and in the end had brought about their own apocalypse. They’d churned out poisonous gases that choked the air, dried the Earth of all her resources and watched, passively, as she struggled to breathe through a toxic veil of CO₂. Now all that remained of the lush green planet was the dusty red soil and deep cracks that ran like scars all over the barren land. As punishment for their deeds not a single cloud had gathered and not a drop of rain had fallen since that fateful day which changed the world forever. Time itself stopped to capture us all in this dome of relentless blazing heat.3
The children could not remember a moment when there wasn’t summer and only summer, but I who was born at the end of the old world could. I was waiting for time, suspended for so long, to swing into motion once more and for the seasons to change, for winter to come, for the clouds to gather, for the rains to fall once again from the heavens and drown the Earth.4
I was waiting for redemption. 5
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Ooh~ This is great! This story really drew me in at the start, and didn't let go. It's written beautifully, and the detail is amazing. To be honest, I would like to read more of this~ Good job~!!
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Excellent piece-it's all in the beginning; that's what you need to captivate a reader's attention and you did that really well; plus you didn't let the quality and style drop once you moved on-I'm impressed. Out of curiosity-how long did it take you to write this piece????
Keep up the good work!
P.S. Very descriptive; i like 'deep cracks that ran like scars all over the barren land.' Super!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Excellent. Maybe a little more detail of the future world to really draw in the reader?
Great concept & executed very well. -
If edited and lenghtened this could be a really good story.
I like it that its created where the children ar in a different world from the protagonist.
I would tighten the storyline and continue to write it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I thought this was nice and well written. I would like to see you show somehow how these people live in such horrid conditions before you go into the talk of "how things used to be" I think that may make the piece a little more effective. That is just my opinion though
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Yes, I think I should go into more detail about the backstory to this piece. But like I've said, you really can't do much in a 500 word limit...
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It flows well and is nicely written. An English teacher who believes all that nonsense about mankind being responsible for the earth's destruction will surely give you a great grade. The entire earth could never dry up completely because as soon as the moisture gets taken from one place it gets deposited somewhere else. Just like the terrarium experiments they make you do in school. But for a scorched earth story it is well done.
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Errr, you don't believe in all that climate change bo**ox do you? It's a scam, revved up by fat slug Al Gore. For more info go to Davidicke.com.
Forgetting that annoyance, the narrative had a languid, calm feel that really suited the narrator's voice.
Great descriptions, and an easy flow into the second chapter.
Forgetting the climate change stuff, I was very impressed.
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Lol you have very interesting opinions
I don’t know, I’ve always thought the whole global warming thing was a big issue... at least, that’s what I’ve learned in Biology and Geography classes anyhow. Either way, I think it makes a good basis for stories Thanks for commenting!
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Excellent Start
Sorry forgot the clappies
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Excellent Start
You set up some contrasts, old vs young, wet vs dry, and "that fateful day" and 'redemption' to provide dynamic tension. Well written. Suggest in para 4>you have time swinging into motion, maybe a time when weather would swing into motion?/ drown the Earth? may want another description. Drowning may be a bit more rain than needed. This is very promising. -
I thought there was just a bit too much desctiption. It was written really well, but it just seemed a tad excessive to me. The story was very good, though, and I enjoyed reading it.
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The imagery is really vivid and pretty descriptive which is great
I like how you've picked up the topic of global warming and sort of expanded on it, to create this alternative world where everything has already happened. Plus the personification adds to the whole dire tone you've got which emphasises the calamity that has struck the planet. Uhm and the last line! It has this whole ominous feel to it which gives the piece a little twist. It's really cool.
language: 5, plot: 5.
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