Once upon a time, there lived a little boy. He was a newborn prince. Now, this new prince was born when his mother was 46, so he was actually a late-born.
There was also a beautiful newborn little girl in a small village called Rocksville too. She was a poor beggar, and most nights went to bed without food. Her parents loved her dearly, but knew that they didn't have the money to take care of their poor, starving, little girl. They reluctantly said good-bye, and put her in a foster home with her three year-old cousin.
Fifteen years had past and the prince's father became very sick. He couldn't take care of his kingdom any more. The prince was now sixteen and they had named him Isaac. He had to begin his hunt for a princess since he was getting closer to manhood. First he went to many other kingdoms to make sure he would find a real princess. Isaac, now on his way home, with no luck at all, searched the small towns and villages.
The girl named Rebekah, had escaped and gone to Pinepino. She was found begging in the street, and was brought in by a rich lady, who made her a maid.
One day, as she was doing the laundry, she overheard Madame Rakael saying to her son, Thomas, "The prince is coming to Pinepino. I want you to become his friend and invite him over. He will be surprised at the amount of money we have."
"I don't have a sister, so who would he be attracted to?" Thomas asked.
"No one, but we will be able to say he came to our house." Madame Rakael answered.
Finally Thomas agreed, and that's just what happened. Rebekah got some tea ready, and a delicious snack, for the young visitor, and the rich family to eat. When Isaac saw the beautiful young maid, he was immediately attracted.
Rebekah went out to the garden, and so did Prince Isaac. He told her to meet him at the Round Square(main attraction in Pinepino) at 5:00, but when he heard she didn't have free time he said the garden instead. She was hesitant but finally agreed, but she had to be careful because if Madame Rakael caught her, she would be in big trouble.
The next day, she went out to the garden and saw a beautiful carriage. She stared at it in awe. She had never seen something as fantastic in her life!
Before she could say anything the handsome young prince took her by the hand and said these words, "Follow me, for you were made to be a princess." And with that they were off.
They finally got to the castle, and were greeted by the queen(the king was in bed,) and many others. He strolled into the castle, greeting all of his fans. Rebekah, however, was uneasy about this new setting. When she got out of the carriage, she ran faster than a horse could've carried her! She ran to the backyard of the palace, and sat down to take a breath. The next thing she knew, the Prince Isaac was beside her.
"What's the matter?" he asked after a moment of silence.
"I want to meet my parents again!" she said between sobs, after she had explained the situation she was in. "Your life is perfect! I wish I were in your shoes!"
"Do you really?" he asked her with a small smile on his face. "I'm looking for a princess, you knew that, right?" he asked.
"Yes, but..." she began, "I'm not a princess, I'm a beggar!" she said, and turned away.
"Will you promise me something?" he asked her. "Please?" he asked again. And without an answer he said, "If I help you find your parents..." Rebekah's face lit up. "Rebekah, if I help you find your parents, will-will you marry me, Rebekah?"
After a moment of silence, Rebekah turned to him, with tears running down her face, and said, "Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" She smiled.
"Yes, yes I would." he answered.
"If you help find my parents, and there is success, I will marry you." Rebekah said to him.
Isaac finally said something; "Rebekah, I love you!" And with that, he took her by the hand, and kissed her. "Let's begin our search, shall we?" he asked. Before Rebekah could answer, he took her by the hand, and led her to his room. He took out a magic book and began to mutter something. Then he opened the book and read aloud; "In Pinepino, begging in Round Square"
"Let's go then! Come on!" Isaac said and pulled her to the carriage. "To Round Square!" he said to the driver.
"Yes sir!" the driver responded. When they got there, her parents were there! Rebekah ran to them and exclaimed, "Mom, Dad! I love you!"
Isaac picked them each up, for they weren't strong enough to walk, and set them in the carriage. They explained what was going on, and ate a grand feast when they got to the castle.
They got ready for the wedding, and were soon married. They had three children, and lived happily ever after!
THE END!!
Author notes
This is a contest story. Enjoy! PLEASE COMMENT! option 3
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Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Watch using the word "had" unnecessarily
Fifteen years had past and the prince's father became very sick.
removing it makes it have more strength within the sentence.
This is a really sweet story. you grab the reader and make them want to find out what happens. I think if you wanted to you could really expand on this and make it into a little book for kids. I'm going to bookmark this one and read it to my children. Keep writing, you've got talent. -
I liked this a lot. I thought it could benefit from some more development in the love story, description of Rebekah's adult beauty, or more of her personality, to show why the prince wants to marry her right away even though she doesn't appear to be a princess (since it says he was looking for a "real princess"). But that is just me, I have the same quibble with the classic fairy tales too!
Love the happy ending, and the way the end retraces to the parents. A really good story, definitely worth expanding!
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This is good. But I felt it was rushed a little or kind of a lot sorry. I never said this before. Maybe if you just got this and added some or a lot whichever your perfer. Like Jonas Scott said, if this is stretched out it would be made into an amazing novel with a great story.
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(I'm gonna use Quick Comment, so bare with me)
"Now, this new prince was born when his mother was 46, so he was actually, a late-born." --> Get rid of the comma after 'actually'. It's unnecessary.
A few other grammatical errors but nothing that can't be fixed with a read through. I think this would make a really good short novel for young adult reader if the length of it were stretched out. But in its current state it seems like a book that would have big font and lots of pictures.
But I think it would do well as a short novel.
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Going to pick nits a bit:
The girl was either a newborn or very young when parents put her in a foster home, therefore she couldn't have been a beggar at that point.
You do not use numbers as rule unless time. (15 years).
Suggest: Fifteen years had past and the prince's father became (not was) very sick.
Doubt they waited until prince was sixteen before giving him a name. Just like Rebekah, would give name when first mentioning birth.
5:00 when? AM or PM?
"Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" Who is speaking here?
Appears to be the Rebekah but not clear.
Enough of the bad comments. What the heck, this is a fairy tale and they live happily ever after. Hey, it has been a long time since I've actually seen those words.
Hope you did well in the contest.
Jim
beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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This was a cute story, and there's not much to comment on technically, save for the comma splices here and there.
I'm not sure what your purpose was here, though. I didn't really feel any connection to any of the characters throughout the story - if you're trying to make it more than a cliche fairy tale, the audience has to care, and there has to be believability somewhere in there and time to let us develop those feelings. It's a good start, though! -
l like the story, but then it gets really rushed toward the end like you got impatient to finish it, but I really like the story, good plot and really cute!!!
beginning: , language: , plot: , overall: overall, ending: , dialog: , characters: .
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This is very imaginative and sweet. A lovely story with a wonderful ending. And who says beggars can't be choosers?
Thank you so much for entering this in my contest. Hugs, Patricia
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Great job minimoles!!!! this is really sweet. Somehow Pinepino seems like you used your spanish,WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!! correct me if I'm wrong, but It was really creative!!!Way to go Emily!!!
Catherine -
This is very imaginative and creative. It's so much fun to see what individuals will come up with for this contest! I love the ending... naturally. It's always a relief when one reads that the underdog finally comes out on top. It what we we always hope and dream for ourselves! I did find one small nit that had no real affect of this wonderful story, but you may want to fix it... In the 1st paragraph next to the last line... I think you mean "put" instead of but. Thank you for entering such a pleasurable read in my contest and good luck!
♥ Touchof1der -
Now, this new prince was born when his mother was 46, so he was actually, a late- I LOVE THIS LINE .. this was super duper .. I'm still rolling!
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A very entertaining tale. A very good plot and you have played it out very well.
Best wishes for the contest.
Take care,
Sammy -
Awww...this is a cute fairy tale, Emily! I like fairy tales... I like the Round Square part.. thatīs awesome. And Pinepino is a cool name! I was never very good at comming up with names... keep it up!
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