SEVEN TYPES OF GUYS 2
(this list is by no means, exhaustive; you can add on to it; this is called “interacting with the reader”) 3
1.1 The Jock 4
1.2 The Moody Artist 5
1.3 The Partier 6
1.4 The Gifted Nerd 7
1.5 The Pretty Boy 8
1.6 The Normal9
1.7 The Abnormal 10
***11
The Jock slash Insecure Guy BFF12
He thinks he is so cool that he oozes sex appeal with every tiny, deliberate step he takes. He talks at you like he is God just because he parks his arse at the local gym every day without fail (or at least, 5 times a week, 3 hours each time). He is in a varsity sports team, or if not, playing competitive spots at a, uh, non-competitive level. But he is still competitive in his sports-playing. Ultra-competitive. 13
The New Age Jock carries this competitive spirit over into his daily life, incorporating his competitiveness into his studies, friendships, and any other forms of relationships. This Jock has turned the old adage, “Dumb Jock”, on its head, thereby transcending years of ridicule and transforming into a milder (less stupid-sounding) crossbreed now known as the ‘Insecure Guy BFF’. 14
The latter part of the hybrid is as a result of a millennial accident involving the Dumb Jock and the Gifted Nerd. Re. The Gifted Nerd slash Guy BFF. (The Jock decided to take full prerogative of the add-on, “Insecure”, thereby freeing the Gifted Nerd of this centennial burden. As widely speculated, the Jock’s insecurity would stem from the fact that they look quite unlike the rest of the college guy population—what with their toned and tanned bods—and therefore being a minority, would be made to feel insecure about their extra-ordinary looks.) The Jock is a good Guy BFF because of his innate qualities of being the silent, dumb (oops, he has already shed this label) type, whom girls love for his ability to listen and never judge. He shows support by keeping silent, and nodding his dark, handsome head. (Oh, because he is just too busy ogling them.) 15
Oft-heard from His mouth: “Hey, bitch.”16
The Moody Artist slash Photographer17
He is incredibly adept wielding either a paintbrush or a camera. His artistic slash photographic ability makes girls swoon from afar. Unfortunately, the Moody one clams up whenever any approach (or if, very rarely, he does make the first move, he will duck and retreat at the very first sign of [apparent] interest from the opposite gender, because, ah well sigh, he can’t risk the additional tremors of a romantic relationship upsetting him from his natural rhythm of hIgH and LOw Moods). 18
The trademark of the Moody Artist slash Photographer is the Mood. He is always in a Mood. Be it positive or negative—but it sways towards the latter more often than not—his face is always in a perpetual scowl. Life is sad. Art reflects life. Ah, One must be in a Mood. 19
Oft-heard from His mouth: “Oh, it’s stormy now. Just like my… mood.” 20
The Smart-aleck Partier 21
‘nuff said. He is almost as intelligent as the Gifted Nerd, and he works three times less hard. Like the Jock, he is a skirt-chaser (just that he makes it more obvious, in a less silent way). He is also a hardcore partier (as evident from his name). Girls love him because he is so witty and suave. Guys hate him because… well, for the same reasons. (One more, because he’s actually smart, though he doesn’t spend as much time nosing his books as nosing, uh, other things.) 22
The Smart-aleck Partier is sometimes said to be suffering from a Postmodern Identity Crisis, because he doesn’t quite know where to fit himself into—the Epicurean or the Sophist School of Thought. 23
But he is brilliant and fun-loving, and if not for his philandering ways, he would make the Best Husband Material for all girls a-seeking out there. Because he’s actually normal. (Yes, more so than the Normal.) 24
Oft-heard from His mouth: “Friday night, which pub?” or “Don’t puke on me, dickhead.” or “I’ve to send you an ebook on Intertextuality/ Mill’s On Liberty: A Critical Guide.”25
The Gifted Nerd slash Guy BFF26
Gifted. Brainy. Einstein-like mind. What is the square root of pi? 27
Well, he is the guy who gives you the answer to that right off the bat. Right to the thirteenth place even (okay, maybe I am kidding. A little). 28
He is so smart that he makes your hardworking professors look like a bunch of slackers. He is so brainy that he drinks his own brain juice for breakfast (here, I am very kidding). 29
The Gifted Nerd is a modern evolution from the Nerd. (The ‘Gifted’ add-on sounds cooler and more turn-on-ish.) In these days, it is no longer enough to be a Nerd—one has to differentiate oneself from the masses. In addition to such attempts at self-differentiation, the Gifted Nerd has fought a valiant battle with the Jock to secure the latter part of his hybridity, as the Guy BFF to girls (of course; who else uses the term BFF but them?). Unlike the Jock, the Gifted Nerd is not insecure. One, he looks like many of the other college guys. Two, he talks. A. Lot. Because he is smart, and really, when you think about it, that excuses everything. 30
Hence, he makes fun of his Girl BFFs, though Rule No. 1 of being a Guy BFF should always be, “Thou shalt not laugh at your Girl BFF, and say she’s fat/ugly/whatever mean and difficult-sounding thing.” 31
Oft-heard from His mouth: “The first part of this essay will assay to assess intelligence…” (like, do I need to say more!?) 32
The Pretty Boy (who sometimes gets mistaken for being a woman)33
He lives the sad life of a Shakespearean hero…ine. He is so pretty that every girl, and guy, falls in love with him. Upon realizing their respective follies (girls thinking that he’s a girl, and wishing to emulate his prettiness. Guys, well, the reason is obvious), everyone takes one dazed step backwards. 34
The Pretty is therefore isolated, and turns into a maniacal stalker. To put it in a less frightening way, he feels abject and lonely, and starts to pine for the love of the One. However, the One is a mythical concept who doesn’t quite exist as yet (perhaps due to the indeterminacy of his/her gender). He can’t put his hopes on him/her, and therefore turns all his attentions and energy to… cross-dressing. (Yes, I am kidding here too.) He plays computer games obsessively, and occasionally harasses young, pretty girls during the breaks in between. 35
Once, he went to a restaurant, and was called a ‘Xiao Jie’ thrice by the PRC waitress, before he turned and flipped his floppy brown hair at her. He scowled, and after approximately two minutes of utter confusion suffered by the poor, innocent waitress, she hurriedly changed her term of address, “Dui bu qi, xian sheng!” 36
The Pretty is more widespread than you think. You look around, and see girls and more girls… or are they? 37
Oft-heard from His mouth: “Where are the pretty girls?” (Suggested answer: “Look in the mirror! ”) 38
The Normal39
He is normal. Average. 40
Average height. Average looks. Average intelligence. Average everything. 41
Somehow, this is the guy who is almost, always attached. How so, you ask. (Well, I don’t know.) Because he is so normal that he is weird. In the world we live in today, almost everyone wants to be abnormal. Special. Unique. But not the Normal. The Normal is contented with being who he is. He is happy to not stand out in the crowd. He just wants to be… normal. 42
Unsurprisingly, the Normal is least prone to Mood disorders and sudden linguistic incapabilities. But sometimes, the Normal gets tired of being normal (don’t we all) and turns a little dark and macabre. *Shudders. Oh well, but he always reverts back to being the Normal. So, all remains well.43
Oft-heard from His mouth: “You can’t blame me for not remembering what he said.” I mean, that is what I said, not him.
44The Abnormal 45
He is not Normal. 46
Everyone else comes under this category, I think… (okay, just kidding.) 47
He can be either intelligent or stupid. Tall or short. Fat or skinny. Lazy or hardworking. Pale or dark. He can be… anyone, or anything. He is that guy who sits behind you in class and you’re afraid for your life constantly because one time, he accidentally whacked you on the back of your head, and when you turn around to confront him, he laughs raucously and says, “Nah, I was just stretching.” And you wonder why there’re people who stretch that way in class, till one day, you happen to walk past the XXX (blanked out to prevent identification of so-said) department, and see him practicing some Taijiquan moves (you’re not entirely sure which type of slow exercise it is—just those with slow, swishy movements) in the hallway. At that moment, with every fibre of your being, you just know that he is….48
Not.49
Normal. 50
Oft-heard from His mouth: “I am so sorry that I’ve frightened you.”51
^^^^52
“That’s all?” I looked at my best friend, eyebrow quirked and awaiting.53
“Yeah! What more do you want!” she laughed, swiping my arm with her hand.54
I scrunched up my nose. “I don’t know… but do you think this would sit down well with everyone? Some bits are… uh, pretty harsh.”55
Maddie laughed some more. “Jade, please. You know it’s all true! Every single thing in there…those guys are our friends!” 56
“Yeah… true.” I had to concede defeat. What could I say? Every word up there was true. That was the beauty of parody. You distort truth with lies, but when all comes down to it… the truth still stands out stark and bold. Truth sells.57
That was our tagline. 58
Our trashy tabloid-cum-school satire ‘zine was going to be fabulous. 59
We jumped up and high-fived each other.60
“Okay, to the printing room we go!” I palm-slammed the stapled sheets of paper onto the glossy tabletop. Maddie hesitated. “What?” I looked at her.61
She blinked. “Jade… you sure nothing will happen, right?”62
“What’re you talking about… I thought you weren’t the worrywart…” I shook my head, laughing. 63
She reached over and tugged at a strand of my loose curls. “I don’t know. Your curse. Whatever you write, coming true.”64
“But this is already true! Like you said—”65
“Yeah. I mean, the part about the marriage material… Your prince charming might just be one of them, and you’d have—”66
I guffawed. “Seriously, Maddie, just ‘cause you’re already attached and I’m not doesn’t mean—”67
“Yeah, to the Normal.”68
“I mean…”69
She waved her hand in the air. “I know. Haha. This is just…”70
“…for fun.” I looked her in the eye. We could always complete each other’s sentences—that was one of the best things about being best friends. “Nothing will happen, Maddie.” 71
“I hope,” she whispered.72
I didn’t like the sound of that. 73
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