I had been lying on a beach all day, dreaming of Bali when I was attacked.1
The attackers threw a wet sheet over my head and stuck a needle in my arm. Then I heard a muffled voice that chilled me to the bone. 2
"The patient has extreme sunburn and dehydration...commencing saline."3
Author notes
This has to be one of the shortest stories I've ever written. I wrote it for a newspaper in Victoria and I've edited it a little since then but I'd be interested to see if it makes sense to others
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Ms Kethry, best way to be treated for sunburn. (someone has to look after them) - great write, thank you.
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LOL!!!
I have had really bad sunburn before and your poem I bet would take the sting off it!!!
LOL nice write!!!
LOVE ALWAYS WITH KISSES AND HUGS
~~Sara~~
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Interesting, since that's not at all what I expected when I clicked on the link. Very well done, that twist.
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Good Job
I am not the usual commentor. I guess I am more inquisitive when it comes to picking the poets brain. If you were lying on a beach and dreaming of Bali? Then of course you were not in Bali, what beach were you on? I think this short story is very, interesting. It caught my attention and really made me think, about all aspects of the poem. I had to read and re-read it, silly since it is such a short poem, I guess I expected to find a hidden meaning. Great job. Keep up the good work. -
Unexpected and that is cool! If this is a true story i hope you healed well.
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I agree with burned perfume. The shortest story I have every read. I suppose it was based on a truth? Good write. Not what I expected. I actually checked my computer because I thought I was missing something it was so short. But for it's shortness, not bad at all. Thank you for sharing.
Always pen from the heart and you shall never write wrong.
-SongByrd
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it's very interesting.. I'm not sure I understand why the voice chills the narrator, but then I'm a nursing student, so maybe some of the effect's lost on me.. or maybe it's meant to be somewhat elusive? Either way, interesting short story.
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nice
what i got out of this short storie was that you were one the beach all day and the attacker were EMT's. maybe treating you for heat exaustion ... nice short storie, well done! -
Wow.. I can't even imagine writing something like this.. Major props =p Can't really say much that the others haven't already covered though. Nice Write
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it is too early in the morning, apparently. which means i don't get it. but since the disconnect is probably at my end (for lack of caffeine in the drip), i'll give you my morning applause.
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This is the shortest sory i've read!Great story and nice twist.
Keep up the good work.Cheers.
~AJ~ -
interesting story that got right to the point. I liked the fact that you included "dream" as part of the first images of this poem, otherwise the rest of it wouldn't have quite fallen in line. really a good and concise piece of writing.
Jo -
This is a great short shortstory! You should consider watching for one of SusanL's famous "Driving 55" contests where all entries must be short stories of exactly 55 words. I really like the twist to this--very amusing and unsettling at the same time. Thanks for featuring this! I enjoyed it very much!!
Sheryl
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