Five Years

It’s been five years since we last saw each other.
Five years since we last talked.
And in those five years I’ve begun to make sense of my life,
To make sense of myself,
And one single IM from you
Just one instant message over the computer,
At three o’clock in the morning,
Sets my world upside down.
“Hey, how are you?”
How am I?
After five years of not talking to you,
Of not seeing you every day,
Of not being near you,
“I’m fine, thanks.”
I’m anything but fine.
But you couldn’t possibly know that
I haven’t seen you in 5 years.
So you just go ahead
And talk
About frivolous things that no one cares about,
Things that I understand,
Things regarding everything but you.
Another IM from you
Sets my world, already upside down, on fire.
“You’ve changed.”
I have changed?
No, life has changed.
Life, as we know it, is full of change.
But what do I know?
I’m only 14,
You’re only 14,
All of our preconceived notions about things that we think we know
Could all change with time.
Will change with time.
But I don’t say it,
I don’t say that I don’t know who you are anymore,
Or that you don’t know who I am anymore.
“Really? I think I’m pretty much the same.”
I’m not lying to defend myself,
I’m lying to protect you.
From me,
This thing that I’ve become.
Because honestly,
I don’t know who I am anymore,
So how do you know I’ve changed?
“No, I think you’re broken.”
And that makes the rain fall to the earth,
To settle the flames,
The lies flutter to the ground,
Carried down by its own weight.
The walls are torn down,
My walls, built to keep things out,
Built to keep you from finding out.
And everything turns to rubble.
There is not a need to pretend
To fake
To lie
About anything anymore.
You know.
My carefully constructed walls,
The deepest hole I’ve dug to hide in,
All undone.
I don’t know how to respond to that.
So I don’t.
And just as you have said before,
Five years ago when you left,
“I’ll see you later.”
And I know that you’re going to leave again.
And that Its going to take me five years,
Maybe more,
For me to turn this world upright,
So that you’ll come back, just to knock it down.