Jonas Smith pulled up to his driveway. He left work early because he felt sick. Probably the stomach flu he thought. He had this for about 11 hours after getting injected with an experimental drug and considered going to the doctor. He fumbled with his keys as he reached the doors. Cold sweat began to bead on his forehead, his vision became disorienting as he struggled to step through his door. Jonas collapsed as he passed the threshold.1
“KAREN!!” He screamed right before his throat seemed to dissolve. Jonas tried to stand but got only as far as on his hands and knees. His wife rushed around the corner and was horrified of discovery. Jonas’s mind suddenly blanked as he felt his brain seemingly explode within his head. His heart stopped and all limbs went slack. As Jonas’s body laid there, his skin began to warp, tearing and peeling from his bones, decaying, exposing his muscles and organs. His finger bones tore through the skin, forming some makeshift claws.2
In about five minutes, the man that Karen once loved was no more. The body rose and what was Jonas’s face was now a skull with hanging pieces of flesh and eyeballs swinging from their optic nerve cords. Karen began to scream and back up in pure terror. The body turned its head towards her when she screamed.3
It moved itself towards her, spilling whatever liquids it had left inside, and began to attack her. Tearing her and biting at her. Soon, it was over. What was left of her was a twitching corpse. And that was when Hell finally came and took over…
Author notes
This is a zombie story that my boyfriend and I have been working together on for...hmmm....a month...maybe two. XD and we only finished chapter one. (life is nuts at times) I'll post up chapter one in a little bit. 
Okay this was orginally on my bf's profile but since he rarely comes on and not know a lot of people, we have decided to have me post up the chapters on my profile to get more views and comments and I can stay on top of them.
Enjoy. 
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hahaha nice!! Loved it
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Nice. Short but obviously gross and interesting
Only thing I can think is changing this a bit and maybe making it entirely from Helen´s perspective as she sees her husband change and stuff. But it works as is too.
Good job.
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Yeah we were actually writing it in a whole different point of view. XD We might leave it like this. Not sure yet.
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Your description is good, but it's all telling. You need to show the reader what's happening. Here's how I would have written it.
When the driveway wouldn't sit still for him, Jonas Smith parked the truck where it was and staggered to his house.
"Damn flu. Never had it so bad. Or is it the flu? Could it be one of them side effects the doc told me at the trial clinic? I better call them in the morning."
As he stumbled into the house, his legs literaly turned to jelly. He barely coughed out his wife's name. "Karen."
Karen came into the kitchen in time to see Jonas' skin turn into a dark green puss. An odor of soured milk left in the hot sun for five days assaulted her senses. Tentively she reached out to help him, but her feet wouldn't let her cross the few remaining feet to reach him.
A scream lodged in her throat as Jonas stood. Her fingers made the sign of the cross to ward off the evil that had taken her husband.
Jonas' left eyeball dangled like a yoyo at the end of a string. His body, competely bereft of skin, oozed red and white foam.
Karen could see the muscles in his arm ripple when he reached out for her. His grin maniacle without lips to cover his teeth bit deep into her neck.
His fingers, now claw like, ripped long furrows down her chest. Within seconds, Karen lay in a pool of her own blood, twitching spasmoticly.
By showing you add depth to the characters. You allow the reader to see what they see and not listen to you recite a grocery list of what is happening. Showing gives the reader a better visual image. Hope this helps
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Thank you for reading and giving me a constructive response. ^_^
I definitely see where we can improve on this. I'll have to work on this during the weekend and help fix it up. Thank you. I truly appreciate it.
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You're welcome. Always glad to throw in my two cents. lol I still have trouble with doing more telling than showing myself. Usually I can spot it when I edit and I'm sure you would have too.
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wow this sounds really good i would so like to read more.
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Thanks ^_^ I'll post chapter one sometime today.
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