Chapter 1 (Ellie)

I remember the night I had sex with Tristan. I remember it so perfectly, too perfectly. The way he fumbled with my bra strap in the darkness of my room. The way he softly whispered he loved me. It was all too perfect.1

All too perfect...2

We'd been dating for a year. We thought we were ready, that we were smart enough to know how to put on a condom. It was dark, we didn't care. Now I wish we had...3

I loved Tristan, and I think he loved me. He tells me that he does, always. But now we've done something so incredible, we've created another life together.4

***5

I curled up on that same bed, but clean sheets. I hid my face in a pillow, holding my belly securely. Could it hear me crying? Did it know that I was going to kill it? 6

I pressed my fingers into my stomach slightly, looking for some sign. The baby book said it will be a while before he starts moving or kicking, he's too tiny yet.7

"Hi baby." I whispered into the pitch black of my room. I felt so calm, so peaceful. I didn't want it to end. I wanted time to just stop right where it was, preventing the incredible pain that I was sure to come.8

The baby didn't respond, and I felt myself sag a little. Once I went and killed it off, there was no more. My stomach would again be empty. 9

Thoughts began to race through my head. Giving birth, the pain. I thought about what it would be like to see that tiny little face as I held it for the first time. The way I held on to it protectively. 10

I shook the thoughts out of my head. There was going to be no baby... I tried to move on, but my brain kept imagining what our baby would look like. If it had Tristan's eyes, it would be gorgeous. Those eyes were like the clear Carribean ocean, clear as can be. 11

I had to see Tristan. I felt like I was going to break into a thousand different pieces if I stayed alone any longer. I grabbed the coat that would soon start to be too tight, shrugged on my boots, and ran out the front door. I shivered in the cold of November. A light blanket of snow flurries was gathering on the concrete pathway. I trudged down the block, and the next 17 all the way to Tristan's apartment. I was shivering violently, my hands were numb. I wanted to sit in a steaming bath and never come out.12

I rang the doorbell quickly and waiting for him to buzz me in. Tristan was a year older than me; me in my senior year, and him a graduate taking a year off before leaving me for college,13

but I think I might've ruined those dreams now. 14

This poor baby was being put in the middle. It was ruining both of our dreams, ripping them apart day by day. It didn't even know it, but it was killing us already. 15

I heard the bell ring twice, waking me up from my daydream, and right now I just didn't feel like being woken up. Ever.