Suburban Confessional- Part 4

14:381

Green digital numbers even hurt my eyes. And what the fuck does 14:38 mean in English!2

Despite the earlier distractions the sad reality of the morning after (or in my case mid afternoon after) the night before has crept up upon me and the old faithful pains begin. I hate coming down. In every single, possible, human comprehensible way I really hate coming down.3

I had, between my tate ta tate with Austin and passing out yet again I managed to somehow find my way back to my pathetic excuse of a bedroom. My room, if you can call it that consists of the following, a mattress on the floor for a bed. It wasn’t exactly the most comfortable thing in the world but it served its purpose. Slightly away from that is a milk crate with an Indian throw rug over the top. My mother, imparting her infinite and useless wisdom, always told me if you throw an Indian throw rug over anything it makes its at least resemble something descent. I often find it amusing that this useless piece of advice stuck in my mind but the one about laying off the happy pills and staying at university didn’t. The rest of my room is an ever increasing mound of cloths which essentially doubles as my wardrobe. In thinking about it I should consider myself lucky that these cloths have yet to be incinerated by the overly pact power board spontaneously combusting.4

And one mustn’t forget that fucking digital alarm clock! The bane of my very existence. Whoever thought that it would be fun to make the numbers BRIGHT FUCKING GREEN should not only be shot but they should be made to sleep in a room full of the fuckers. My room, as everyone who is brave enough to pass through the threshold likes to repeatedly comment, is dark and when in the darkness the only thing you can see is the bright green flashing dot next to the brightly illuminated nonsensical numbers that drives one slightly mad. A fact I will quite happily and openly admit to being. 5

I lie there, still but feeling like I’m spinning. Its 14:38 and I have yet to take my first pill for the day and trust you me, despite sleeping (amongst other things) for the entire day, I can feel it. I’m not overly sure what 14:38 means but I know its daylight and that means I’m running late on my pills. I roll over and reach for a packet next to me. Even moving this far sends searing pain rolling through every limb, even my god dam toes hurt today. I reach around, eyes half closed to save them from the light, and feeling through the tens of packets to find one that isn’t empty. 6

“Ah got ya!” I mutter to myself as I finally find a packet with some still safely wrapped. I popped them out. One, Two, Three, Four. That should do for now. When I first started taking codeine I only used to take one or two but after a while that looses its effectiveness. I shove them in my mouth and swallow them dry. I don’t need water any more. 7

Quietly I lie there, starring up at my pealing sealing. I need to wait for them to start working. I like feeling numb. I remember when I first starting taking them as a teenager. I used to get really bad pains in my legs and hands and I never quite understood why. At first I just thought it was over doing it, walking too much, smoking too much or something but as I got older it began to get worse and worse. I went to the doctor and they told me I had some immune disease thing which cause the cells in my body to attack the cartilage in my joints. In layman’s turns I had some kind of kiddy arthritis. Now just imagine being fifteen years old and being told that you have some disease that only old people usually get and being told there isn’t a cure but you can go on steroids which can help. Fuck that! I’m was not taking any muscle man, facial hair growing, period stopping bullshit. So my only option was to live in unbearable pain for the rest of my life or start downing my happy pills. I’ll give you one guess which option I choose.8

Believe it or not when I was a little girl I would never even take an aspirin when I had a headache but now I couldn’t imagine a world without them. I’m not ashamed of it despite the fact people say that I should be. But it’s a way of life for me. You try and imagine being 21 years old and not being able to go out clubbing because it can leave you bed ridden for a week, not being able to walk from one end of the shopping centre without having to stop for a break because every steps feels like someone’s cracking your knee caps, imagine not being able to do any kind of sport with the exception of chess, which might I add ends up hurting my back if I sit still for more than 3 hours! Basically it’s not very pleasant. All those things that most people take for granted are a struggle for me so if anyone dares give me a lecture on the perils of pain pill addiction they just need to remember that. If you’re not Dr Phil you can go fuck yourself!9

Numbness is starting to kick in. I flick the alarm switch on Satan’s digital clock to set it. I think I’m going to sleep the rest of this day away. I don’t even have enough energy to see if Austin wants any more attention. I just want to sleep. My chest rises slowly as my breath becomes deeper. I close my eyelids to sleep. I can’t feel them anymore.10