Empty Life

“Katrina! Katrina!” I carried on running up the stairs ignoring the calls from my ‘mother’ “Katrina! Listen to me! I am your mother!” I stopped on the stairs and quickly turned around. 1

“There is no way you can say that! You are not my mother!” I screamed those words at her wile tears and my eye liner streamed thickly down my face. I knew those words hurt her, she wasn’t my mother, she was only Tina to me. I turned around and ran to my room, I slammed and locked my door and fell to the floor. My whole world felt empty. I felt alone, scared and was trying to think of a reason to live. 2

So far...nothing. My mother was the one person that I loved and trusted. Dad was a drunk and run out on us when I was only 9. 7 years later and I am glad I don’t know him. My ex boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, that left plenty of marks on my arms. We move houses to fit in with mothers new job, and my current friends...well I don’t really fit with them. 3

I laid there on the floor, my head was starting to spin from all my tears, but I just couldn’t stop crying. All I could think about was how I was adopted. How I have no family. My whole life has been one big fat lie! I was alone and no one could save me. I picked myself up of the wooden floor and went to my wardrobe. The inside door had a mirror, I looked at my face, I was a mess but I didn’t care. 4

Wrapped in a scarf in the bottom of my wardrobe was a black and white stripy box, in that box was my best friend. I picked the little box up and walked over to my stereo, I pressed the play button and Bring Me The Horizon was on. Perfect. I turned it up until I couldn’t even hear my screaming thoughts. I sat on my bed cross legged and opened the box. The shining metal of the razor was a welcoming site. I smiled as I picked it up, it was about to feel all my pain. I pulled up the sleeve of my stripy top and held the razor to my wrist. I dug the corner of the blade in and dragged it across, I let out the biggest smile I have had all day. 5

I cut over and over again, counting them as I did them. Blood was coming out fast; I walked to my bathroom holding my arm. I continued to cut and drops of blood were dripping into the sink. I let out a little laugh as I felt all the pleasure, my arm was looking like a candy cane so I thought I better stop. I was feeling a little light headed but I had to save some room for the crap day at school I will be having tomorrow. I soaked a flannel and put it over the cuts, it stung like hell, but through all my pain I got so much pleasure, it made it worth it. 6

I walked back into my room and turned the music off. It was already 7pm so I thought I would have an early night. I changed into my pyjamas and curled up on my bed. It was just me and my thoughts. Great. I silently cried myself to sleep that night wishing I wouldn’t wake up. 7

My alarm clock woke me to let me know it was 6am. Unfortunately I didn’t die in my sleep, Ohh well. I looked at my arm; it was really red and slightly ached. I thought to myself that I better wear a long sleeve top. I went into the bathroom and took a shower, I turned it onto its hottest setting and stepped in. The hot water burned my bare skin. I turned a deep pink almost to a red with all the heat. I just stood there and let the water cover me. 8


After I had my shower and my skin returned to the normal pale shade, I got dressed in deep blue skinnies and a band tee. I brushed through my shoulder length black hair that covered one of my blue eyes. I had an electric blue streak through my fringe and loads of layers. I put a bow in and did my eye liner neatly. There, done. 9

I walked downstairs and Tina was there waiting “Darling please, I am your mother” I had to put her right10

“No Tina. You are just my carer. That’s all.” I pushed past her and out the door. I still had a wile before I had to be in school, so I walked to the lake. I stood in the middle of the bridge looking out onto the cold water. I sighed as I through a stone in. Tears were starting to fall down my face again. I wasn’t going into school today. I didn’t want to go into school ever. I didn’t want to get called names and be bullied. I didn’t want to go home to a fake family. I didn’t want to do anything ... I wanted to die ... I wanted to end all of this. 11

I couldn’t think of anything else. They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes, well mine didn’t. Because I had no life to flash, this is what I was going to do. I was going to drown. Today. 12

I sat on the bridge and pulled open my bag and took out my phone, I simply put ‘Goodbye.’ And sent it to all my friends, this was the end. The end of me.13

I stood back up and climbed on the railings of the bridge, I looked around me. Not much of a goodbye view, but soon I would be seeing fluffy white clouds and god. I laughed to myself at that thought and jumped. 14

*** 15

I was walking to school, and saw Kat standing on the bridge looking out onto the water; she was resting her arms on the rails. Didn’t know what she was doing here, her house and school is in the opposite direction. 16

She doesn’t really know me. I’m Matt, same age as her, in her year, in her class. She looked like she was crying. Ok, so I shouldn’t but I did care for her. I wanted to rush over there and hug her. I wanted to save her from herself. I knew she was having trouble at school, but she was a strong fighter. Surely there had to be more reasons why she was in this state. 17

I just stood there watching her; she sat on the bridge and was rummaging through her bag. I think she got her phone out and was dialing a number or texting. Whatever she was doing, she was still crying. 18

It wasn’t long before she got up. My phone buzzed, I looked at it. ‘1message from Katrina’ I clicked open and all it said was a little ‘Goodbye.’ I looked up and she was standing on the bridge getting ready to jump. She can’t be serious! I was going to shout but no air was going in my lungs. Before I knew it she jumped. 19

“NOOOOOO!!!” So now I could shout. I dropped my bag and ran over to the lake. I didn’t care about anything, I jumped in. it was freezing. She wouldn’t last long with what she was wearing; I had to find her quick. The murky waters made it hard to see but I wouldn’t give up hope. I kept on going deeper down and swimming around. I had to come up for air 4 times. The minuets were dragging on; I was feeling dumb with the coldness. There was no hope; I was barely alive right now. Poor fragile little Katrina wouldn’t last. All I kept on thinking was ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’ over and over again. I should have been quicker. I went to the surface and was gasping for air. I pulled myself up on the concrete, and just sat there hugging my knees. She was gone. Forever.