The Muffin Story: A Tragedy

Sam was slumped on the couch eating muffins. Blueberry muffins, at that. They were fresh, still warm, but not so hot you couldn't eat them. Tasty. And he probably would've enjoyed them even more than he already was if it wasn't for his girlfriend Brittany's question prior to the consumption of this wonderful treat. He munched lethargically as he answered.1

"Well," he mumbled, eating another muffin, "...I dunno." he then wiped his fingers on the leg of his jeans. There was also and itch that he couldn't ignore...so he scratched it quite unapologetically. Brittany stood before him, hands on hips, mouth slightly agape.2

"You don't know...? Don't you love me?!" she cried.3

"I dunno," he repeated. "If you actually did that, run off with one of your girl friends,I mean...I guess I'd just...join the army." He proceeded to eat another muffin. They were really becoming addictive. But where were they all coming from...?4

As soon as he found out, he'd have to get more.5

Brittany sighed. That was definitely not the answer she had hoped to hear. Playing on one of his...strange daydreams, in which aliens invade Lenoir City, and only her beloved Sam can save her, and the  town...she attempted to goad an answer out of him.6

"And when aliens invade Lenoir City?" she said this as she batted her eyelashes. It really made her very...silly looking, but she thought it enhanced her cuteness. In some ways, it did. Others...not so much. It made her look as if she were attempting to hide the fact that she would so totally jump his case if he said the wrong thing. And she was. Sam scoffed down another muffin, literally inhaling it this time. His heavily lidded eyes blinked twice in thought.7

"I'll save Pamela Anderson from them." concluded he, making a gesture at said woman, who was presently sitting in a chair across from him. This was true. Who wouldn't save Pamela Anderson from aliens? Of course, dear reader, you and I would surely leave her to be experimented on in ways that are deemed "savage". But when you're a horny 17 year old boy, you'll save anything with tits that big.8

Brittany gritted her teeth. She was going to count to ten...no, no, no. Not going to happen. No longer could she hold her anger in.9

"Oh, you bastard!"10

It was then things turned for the worse. With a flash of bouncy blond curls, Brittany sent a mean right hook to Pamela's chin. Mouth bleeding, the old whore tried to defend herself, but she was no match for the violent teen who was beating the snot (and silicone) out of her. In the end, Pamela lay on the floor, a bloody pulp.  Now, that evil bitch couldn't touch her lovely Sam. Much better.11

Sam sat in silence, still chewing away. That was...entertaining.12

"Damn...," he said, awed, as he popped yet another muffin into his mouth. "These muffins are good."13

"Thanks!" said a feminine voice to his left. It was one of Brittany's friends, Erin. She was sitting cross legged in the large, corduroy chair next to him. An empty bottle of tequiza sat by her. "I made them myself." It was at that exact moment, a muffin spontaneously shot out of her minimal cleavage.  Sam panicked. Muffin--shooting through air--mustn't hit ground. There was only one thing he could do at that moment. He opened his mouth and snatched the baked goodie out of mid-air. He shocked himself. Not by his cat-like reflexes...but the fact that he had just eaten a muffin that had come out of a girl's shirt. And with Erin...there was just no telling.14

Speaking of which...it was then a small boy's head emerged from her shirt. He pushed up his glasses cautiously, eyes sleepy, shaggy dark blond hair in his face. Andy. What the hell was that dork doing in Erin's shirt? Then again, what was her shirt doing, making these absolutely delicious muffins? Hmmm...what mystery...15

There was a stomping of feet coming from down the hall. The loud noises caught everyone's attention immediately. It was made by a dark haired girl with black cat ears, Cyndel, and a tall boy, who was Justin. He went by Roach, though, seeing as it was his last name, and he was a nonconformist. But everyone knows...all nonconformists are the same. 16

Anyhow, on with the story. 17

Cyndel had stomped up to Erin, jerking Andy violently from her bosom. She then smacked the girl across the face.18

"Excuse you, I believe that's mine!" shrieked the girl with black cat ears. She made her way out of the room, leaving rather noisily, Andy tossed across her shoulder, much like one would treat a sack of potatoes. Roach still stood nearby, a stoned grin plastered on his face. He simply stared for a while, then chuckled. He pointed at Erin.19

"Hey, what else ya got in there?"20

"Muffins." said Sam. 21

Stepping closer and leaning forward, Roach reached out, taking the girl's shirt by the collar and pulling it back to see what little it concealed. It appeared, there was nothing extraordinary...until he saw stars. Lots of multicolored stars. There was a scream, but it seemed muffled. Distant. It was then the realization dawned on him that the scream was his own and Erin had just viciously slapped him, knocking him backwards to the floor. The stars were fading, but now there was a new problem. Erin's lips were moving, and it was clear she was shouting...but no sound was to be heard. He remembered Erin screaming before the attack.  Nervously, he looked to Sam.22

"Get my CD player." he requested of the muffinhead. Reluctantly, Sam handed Roach the CD player. Not wasting any time, the headphones were put on, the volume was cranked, and Metallica's "Enter Sandman" blasted. His expression was blank. No...James Hettfield. Where was his music? Where, oh, where? He couldn't live without his beloved Metallica. It appeared that Erin had screamed so loudly, that in that single moment, he had become deaf. Laying down in a heap, he wept silent, bitter tears. 23

Out of nowhere, Traci, Johnny Depp, and Orlando Bloom fell out of the closet. Not exactly decent, but we shan't get into...deep detail. Traci and Johnny managed to escape, leaving Orlando to fend for himself. 24

"What the fuck is going on?!" A voice shouted. All occupants in the room were silent for the time being. Megan, who was the owner of this most wonderful and strange establishment, ran on to the scene. Unfortunately, she didn't see Roach's prostrate form, tripped over him, and landed neatly in Orlando's lap. Alright, so it wasn't sooo unfortunate. I'd say it's pretty damn lucky. However, not everyone was pleased at this turn of events. From her corner of the room, Brittany leaped upon Megan, butcher knife drawn. She had a secret crush on this most effeminate actor, and she wasn't going to let anyone stand in her way of getting a piece of his ass. Even though her love for Sam was strong, it's not every day that a hot naked actor falls out of a closet.25

"Nooooo! ORLANDO IS MINE!" And in her blind, jealous rage, she killed Meg instantly. With a hard shove, she removed the body from her beloved Orlando. They began to snog. And snog. And...well,snog.26

"I knew it," muttered Sam, eating muffins. "I just knew she'd run off with one of her girl friends."27

With these last words, our tale is through.28

Fin.29