The Part, part 4

Day 7, October 231

Sooo…more interesting…if you could call it that…drama on the set today. I’m not sure if it makes things make more sense now or just raises more questions… gotta say though, this cast and crew is starting to crank out a real life soap opera that rivals the stupid movie we’re doing. Is EVERY set like that? Is the weirdness totally normal?2

Fred and Mike filmed the scenes today where the audience finds out that Cara’s character, Cassie, is having an affair with Tali’s character, Amber. I didn’t have to be in the scenes until the very end, so I ended up spending a lot of time waiting, memorizing lines and walking through them for tomorrow’s scene, and watching Tali and Cara work once in a while. I thought as I watched them make out in front of the camera- or Cassie and Amber, whatever- that they looked pretty damn convincing. I could tell they were really using tongue, and it didn’t look to me like there had been any strategic angles or moves agreed upon before hand to fake it out. From what it looked like to me, they were just going at it. Even Cara, remote as she usually was, looked totally passionate and into it. I remember that I was faintly impressed by this, but a wry thought came to me…I wondered again if Tali could get so into being all over Cara because she played both sides of the fence.3

That question was answered by the work day’s end, trust me. When the crew took a break, I wandered back into the filming room, intending to block my next scene, which was a brief monologue. I didn’t expect Cara or Tali or anyone else to still be in the room.4

I thought at first when I saw them that they were doing the same thing I was doing- blocking a scene, or maybe practicing away from cameras and critical eyes. But within ten seconds it was obvious to me that this wasn’t the case. Cara and Tali weren’t making out with each other because they were being in character- a fact made quite clear to me when Cara, eyes closed, head tilted back in ecstasy, moaned Tali’s name breathlessly.5

I meant to back away, to shut the door without a word and move away- and that’s what I did eventually. But for a few moments I froze. I just was totally stunned by what I was seeing. I mean, first I walk in on Tali and Jay in the bathroom, and then just two days later I walk in on Tali with Cara? Maybe the girl should give up on acting and just become a call girl already.6

I meant to go away, but they looked up, faces flushed, neither appearing startled to see me. They did not pull away or unwind their arms from each other, even as Cara glared fiercely at me, her eyes narrowing. Tali, on the other hand, smiled brightly at me. Still keeping her head close to Cara’s as she addressed me as if there was nothing at all unusual in her behavior.7

“Hi, Kendall…what’s up?”8

I muttered something unintelligible awkwardly and left the room, my mind quickly tossing a thousand new ideas at me as I went. Between being jealous of my part and maybe over Tali’s possible relationship with Jay, no wonder Cara seemed so sullen…did Tali HAVE a relationship with Jay? Was he faithful to her, or did he go screwing whoever he wanted to too? Did Cara want to keep her thing with Tali a secret? Was this a one time thing, or had it been going on for some time now? Had Cara and Tali known each other before the movie?9

None of this was my business, obviously, but I couldn’t not think about it. Was everyone sleeping with everyone in the film and I just happened to be the exception? 10

I could feel Cara glaring at me for the rest of the day, though that might have been just my imagination or paranoia some of the time. She never mentioned it, and I found my memory drifting back often to her words to me so recently. I’d obviously just given her another reason to keep me on her shit list. If Jay knew what was going on between the two, he either didn’t care or didn’t see a point in doing anything about it in front of everyone else. He still laughed and smiled and joked around touching people just as must as he had before today. I guess if he and Tali did have a relationship, it was obviously a very flexible casual one.11

I would have just pretended I never saw it if it weren’t for Tali. At the end of the day she came up to me with a warm smile, asking to talk to me- similar words, if not in a similar manner, as Cara had done the day before. When I followed her to a private room, she told me she knew I saw her and Cara and not to worry about it, that they were good friends and “understood each other.” I felt like asking what Cara had meant by her warning to me the other day if Tali understood her so well, but I refrained somehow.12

Still, it seemed fine, if awkward, to talk to her about it…until she started touching my shoulder, rubbing her hand slowly up and down my arm as she talked. Well that increased the awkwardness factor by, like, a LOT…but then she moved even closer, stroking back my hair from my face. Still, I could have been okay with that, I’m not a touch-me-not kind of person usually…but then Tali tried to freakin’ KISS me.13

THAT I could not be okay with, it scared the hell out of me, to be honest. I gasped, jerking away from her, and Tali tried to keep a hold of me, still smiling like some blissed-out hippie stoned out of her brain. Which she must have been if she thought I wanted to kiss her.14

“Tali, what the hell?” I sputtered, pretty freaked, and thinking the girl must be a nymphomaniac or something. “What are you trying to do here?”15

“Oh, don’t be scared, Kendall…we’re all family here,” she said, as if that statement would make it seem more inviting. I don’t know what the hell kind of family she must have if that’s what they do together, but I have to say I’d rather be left out of the incest gathering, thank you very much.16

I made a hasty retreat mumbling about having a boyfriend, being straight, she’s a nice girl and all but I’m not into that, blah blah blah…and all she did was look me in the eyes in this really calm way and say, “You didn’t find it interesting, Kendall? I think you’re kidding yourself.”17

Is there a single person who’s even a little normal around here? HONESTLY.18

The thing is, Tali was right, somewhat. I did find it hard to look away when she and Cara were going at it. It was just that it was like de ja vu, real life reflecting the script. Kinda weird how there seems a LOT of that around this set…kinda creepy too.19

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I had another nightmare tonight. This one was even more confusing than the last one, and my mother wasn’t in it. It was just like a run of scenes, some of them almost flashes, some of them really slow, drawn out to seem almost frozen in time. There didn’t seem to be any kind of discernible plot, or if there was, I don’t’ remember it now. It was just a bunch of freaky visuals.21

First I was with Sloane in bed- yeah, I know, one dream I can’t tell Rick about- and we were totally making out, his hands running all over my body. But then he bit my throat, and blood was streaming all down my neck, covering my shirt so that it was entirely red. Then I saw Cara and Tali, their bodies pressed close, cheek to cheek in a long, empty, dimly lit hallway, staring at me before their mouths opened slowly and long, drawn out laughter emerged. It sounded evil, like they were savoring the moment before attacking me or something…soooo creepy. 22

Then there was Jay, talking seriously in a huddle with the others, before they all looked up at me, staring with cold, unblinking gazes…and Rick, reaching out to me from the same hall Tali and Cara had been standing in, as I walked away. I saw Jay and Sloane grab him, in another room, starting to beat him, hurt him…I was screaming, running to him, begging them to stop, and he was crying out my name, needing me to save him. But then Tali and Cara grabbed my arms, holding me back, and Tali stroked my neck as she leaned close, whispering.23

“Don’t be scared, Kendall…we’re all family here, remember?”24

And meanwhile Fred, Chuck, and Mike were all standing there with their cameras, filming the whole thing with completely nonchalant demeanors, as if it’s just another scene. I was screaming, crying, begging for them to stop…but Magnus Renfield turned to me, eyes dark with malice, and said, “What performance, Kendall, very well done…I think this one just might make the final cut…”25

I woke up with a gasping cry, my heart pounding so hard I could barely breathe. Like the time before, with my other nightmare, it took several minutes for me to calm down enough to realize that I was home, I was okay- and that Rick too, beside me in bed, was okay. In fact, he was still asleep, his mouth open, not having awakened with me this time.26

I sighed slowly, controlled, the sound shuddering slightly, and start concentrating on gradually relaxing my tensed muscles. Just a dream…just another stupid dream. Obviously I was stressed out, that was why I kept having them. First real role, first time with a real director and studio, and all the strange people I worked with and their drama, of course I’m having weird dreams. Not to mention that I feel guilty about not talking to Rick very much about things lately…which is probably why he was dying in my dream. Nothing for Freud to have a field day over…just dream. It’s what happens when you spend your day acting in a horror movie.27

But as I lay down again, curling close to Rick’s side, it took me a while to just stop thinking…I couldn’t completely shake it off. 28

Day 8, October 2529

It still freaks me out just to think about this…I still can’t believe it actually happened. Part of me tries to shrug it off, to deny it, but when I look at my arm, I know it’s true. I know it happened. 30

Sloane cut me today. He says it was an accident, a mistake, but it wasn’t. I KNOW that it wasn’t.31

We were filming another fight scene with Meredith and Alex in the forest, separated from Blake, Cassie, and Amber. Alex starts yelling at Meredith, shoving her around, and I have the bruises to show for it, none of that was very fake either. But at the end of the scene, Alex is supposed to take out a knife and cut Meredith’s forearm before running his finger along the blood and licking it, smiling at her and saying, “You’re always mine now.”32

I thought it was weird anyway that we didn’t discuss the scene with Renfield or the camera guys much, or the makeup artists either. When I asked Jack and Wendy about how they would do the fake blood on me, they were very vague, so I figured Sloane would pretend to cut me with a fake knife and the blood would be added later with computers. That was the impression I was given once I heard everyone’s replies.33

But when we got up to that point in the script while filming, there was no pretending about anything. Sloane…he took my arm, and he cut it, really cut it…and the knife he was using was not a fake.34

I didn’t know how to react at first. I was in total shock…I just froze, and he kept going on with his lines, hissing them in my face, staying in character. As if he didn’t even notice what he had done…as if he didn’t care.35

My arm was throbbing, blood dripping onto my costume, and I felt light-headed with disbelief. I started to freak out after maybe thirty seconds, screaming out at him in a delayed reaction. I shoved him away from me, scrambling back, ready to run or fight, whichever seemed more appropriate.36

“What the fuck?!” I screamed at him. “You cut me, you fuckin’ CUT me- what the hell is wrong with you?!”37

But Sloane didn’t break character, didn’t’ apologize…no look of realization or horror came into his eyes. He didn’t even hesitate. Did that mean he HAD no horror, that he knew all along what he was doing? Or did he really slip so deeply into his role that he no longer could be himself until the scene ended?38

And all the while Magnus is standing there, ignoring my screams, ignoring my breaking character, ignoring my blood…just standing there, watching intently as the cameras continued to roll.39

I knew with a sudden sickening feeling that he wouldn’t cut the scene- that he might never cut the scene, not if it showed genuine feeling. Even if that feeling was pain, physical, real, pain.40

Maybe especially so.41

I turned then and ran, out of range of the cameras, away from the others, knowing they would then have to stop. I had changed the scene, ended it on my own terms, and I was terrified. Not only for what had happened, but also because I suspected Renfield approved. He might think my reaction, as wholly genuine as it was, lent way to “more depth and believability in my character.” No shit was it believeable- it was REAL! That wasn’t “Meredith” bleeding, that wasn’t “Meredith” stunned beyond all reasoning at what had happened- that was ME, a real person! Didn’t any of them care about that? Didn’t they think that cutting people just to make their “acting” more realistic was wrong? Did Sloane even realize in the moment that it was me he was cutting- not Meredith, but me, Kendall?42

I didn’t’ want to talk to any of them. Renfield and Sloane came after me, trying to reason with me, after a few minutes, but I could barely even listen to them. Sloane maintains that it was an accident, that he thought the knife was a fake one and that I was only acting. But how the hell could he have really thought that? How could he not feel that the blade was really cutting through skin, that I was really bleeding- how could he not have realized I wasn’t going to Meredith’s lines anymore?43

Renfield didn’t make me feel any better either. All he said was it wouldn’t happen again, but meanwhile, we had accomplished a wonderful performance. Screw that, I don’t give a shit how great it was, it wasn’t’ a damn PERFORMANCE!44

I left early…and I really didn’t’ want to go back. Screw the stupid part, screw the stupid movie, all of them were insane. But I know I can’t walk out of it, not entirely. I signed a contract…if I broke it, I wouldn’t get paid. It might get around that I broke a contract to other people who might hire me in the future, and there isn’t any proof that I was justified in doing so. Who would people be more likely to believe, Mr. Director or Miss No Name Actress? And no doubt Sloane would be on his own side…this is all so fucked up.45

**********************************************************************46

Rick was horrified when he saw my arm. I probably should have gotten stitches, but I hadn’t been in any state of mind to think about that. When he cleaned and bandaged it belatedly for me, questioning me, I told him there had been a freak accident with one of the props. Not exactly the truth, but what else could I say? That my co-star got so in character he took a real knife and cut me?47

Yeah, real likely, Rick was worried enough as it is when he thought it was an accident. He questioned me over a thousand things so that my answers had to get more and more vague, and I finally told him I was tired and didn’t want to talk about work. He followed me as I went upstairs to my bedroom, standing in the doorway and frowning as I got out an oversized shirt to sleep in.48

“I’m worried about you, babe,” he said quietly, “you seem so stressed all the time since you’ve taken this part. So distant…are you sure it’s what you really want? Are you sure you’re okay?”49

I felt tears press against the back of my eyes suddenly, and I knew that were I to answer immediately, my voice would give me away. I had to wait a few minutes before I could reply in the steady tone I wanted.50

“Of course I am, Rick, I’m just tired. Spend the night tonight?”51

He stripped off his pants and came to lie beside me without a word, settling an arm around me. Lying beside him, I focused on my breathing, trying to think of nothing else, but it wasn’t’ working.52

I was scared. I had never been exactly comfortable on the set, but now I was actually afraid. I no longer felt safe…how far would they all let it go, how badly would someone have to get hurt, before they put a stop to it? 53

I was just going to have to be very alert, very on top of things, change the scenes to go my way…no more blindly leaping into scenes without mapping them out beforehand. I would just get through each scene, each day, as painlessly as possible, literally so. I would NOT let this happen again…I would hurt him back first, before I let him hurt me. 54