The Part, part 2

1

I had a creepy dream last night…it was pretty intense. I don’t remember the beginning. All I know is when it was at its start, I was running through the woods, and something- someone- was chasing me. I was breathing hard, my heart pounding, and my whole body seemed entirely gripped with terror. I was on autodrive, not knowing where I was going, just knowing I had to get away. There were voices behind me, low, but vicious, and I knew without a doubt that they would kill me if they saw me, if I slowed down.2

I had almost made it through the woods, almost made it to the other side…I knew that I was safe, that I would be okay. Relief swelled in my chest, and I picked up my pace, even harder…3

But then I jerked myself to a halt, my heart almost stopping…because I was forced to stop. My mother had appeared directly in front of me, blocking me from going the rest of the way out of the woods.4

I was just staring at her, like I was trying to memorize exactly how she was, to engrave the image in my mind. She was so beautiful…my mother was always an attractive woman, but in my dream, she seemed otherworldly, all the normal flaws of a human being glossed over, smoothed out. She almost seemed to be glowing…even though she was solid in appearance, seemingly as real and alive and there as I am now.5

“Mom,” I whispered, and I took a slow step towards her. I haven’t seen her in person since I was nineteen years old…and that was in a casket, a person who was not my mother at all. “Mom…”6

I took another step forward, but she shook her head, stopping me. When she spoke, her voice was soft, but urgent, her eyes holding mine intensely.7

“Kendall…what have you done?”8

I frowned, not understanding. I didn’t think I’d done anything…had I?9

“Mom…what do you mean?” I asked, my voice seeming loud in the sudden stillness around us. I wanted to go to her, but she was still watching me, her gaze holding me back.10

“Kendall…you have to watch out,” she said softly, and her eyes didn’t leave mine even long enough to blink as she continued. “Be careful, Kendall…you have you realize the part you truly play. Everything else is an illusion.”11

“The part I play? Mom, I don’t understand,” I cried, and I stepped forward, reaching for her. But somehow she was back further than she originally had been from me, the distance between us expanding…and we were no longer in the outskirts of the woods, but rather directly in their center. And now I could hear the voices all around me again, the people that they belonged to making their way to me, not bothering to hide their approach.12

“You have to realize the truth of the part you play, Kendall,” she repeated, and she didn’t so much as look around, didn’t’ seem to notice that I was about to get caught and killed right before her eyes. “You have to…”13

And then she was gone. No turning to leave, no running away, no shimmery fade out like a ghost…just gone. I turned in a circle frantically, looking for her. All around me I could hear the voices coming closer, knowing they would reach me.14

I woke up sweating yet also shivering slightly, my heart knocking against my ribcage, fear squeezing it tightly. I must have knocked my shoulder against Rick’s or something- he had spent the night with me- because he half opened his eyes, sitting up blinking at me blearily.15

“Ken? What’s wrong? You okay?”16

“Yeah,” I told him, and I was surprised that I sounded so normal. Maybe a little more breathless than usual. “Yeah, just a bad dream. It’s alright.”17

“Yeah? Alright…c’mere…” he murmured, his voice still groggy, half asleep, and he lay down again, tugging me gently down beside him and wrapping his arms around me. “Go back to sleep…relax…talk about it tomorrow if you want.”18

“Okay,” I said quietly, barely hearing my own words. It wasn’t long before I heard his breathing even out, his arms growing slightly denser and heavier around me, and I knew he was asleep. But I couldn’t sleep…I just couldn’t. 19

I had no intention of telling Rick about my dream later, though I wasn’t sure why. Seeing my mother in a dream would normally have made me sad, made me miss her more intensely, for a while…but this dream was different. It wasn’t just seeing my mother, but also what she had said to me, that occupied my thoughts.20

I knew it was just a dream, it didn’t really mean anything, wasn’t really real…but still, it bothered me. What was that supposed to mean, ‘finding out the truth of the part I played?’ Did she mean my part in life, in the world? In something that was going to happen, either in my life or someone else’s? With Rick?21

Or did she literally mean the part I play- the part of Meredith Nancy, in the film?22

Whatever she meant, I knew it was just a dream. I knew it didn’t actually apply to anything in my life or mean anything. It wasn’t actually my mother speaking to me.23

But still, a part of me wondered…was it possible that I was wrong? And if I was…what DID she mean?24

I lay my head against Rick’s chest and told myself to relax, to go back to sleep, like he had said. Obviously I was just stressed because tomorrow was the first day of filming. Or maybe Rick and his paranoia and jealousy were starting to get to me, who knows.25

It was stupid, but no matter what I told myself, even with Rick’s arms around me as a comforting, anchoring presence, it took me a pretty long time to go back to sleep.26

Day 1 on the set: October 1527

Today was our first day of filming. We walked through a few scenes and had a day without scripts for this particular scene. But doing it today with the camera and crew, the makeup…doing it for real… well, somehow it was different than I expected.28

We worked on the scene where Meredith first begins to suspect Alex of keeping secrets from her. Renfield had been emphasizing to both of us about the intensity the scene required, of the coldness of Alex and the fear and desperation of Meredith at his response. I mean, the girl’s stuck in the woods with a psychopath she’s been sleeping with, so I could see where he’s coming from with that.29

But when the scene actually started, the cameras actually rolling…I don’t know. It just all seemed different somehow.30

We were filming in the woods, for one thing, so it seemed more isolated. None of the other actors were there- only Sloane and me, and the camera guy for today, Fred, and Renfield, of course. Once we started the scene, it seemed even less, as if it really were only me and Sloane, Meredith and Alex, in the woods. 31

I didn’t expect it to seem so real…and for Sloane to be so convincing. I mean, yeah, with the readings and rehearsals I could tell he was a fairly talented actor, but once the cameras were rolling, it was like Sloane became his character, actually WAS Alex instead of himself. And yeah, I realize that’s what an actor is supposed to do, I know I’m not making any sense. But…it was like, once we were in front of the cameras, once we both knew it was the real deal, I couldn’t’ see any part of Sloane in him anymore…all I saw of him was Alex. And I think maybe he did the same…that he only saw and thought of me as Meredith.32

Okay, I know that sounds stupid. And maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be, maybe it’s totally normal for most actors, or for movie actors- I don’t know. I’m new at this, so maybe it’s normal. I don’t’ want to ask any of the others, not only because I don’t’ want to sound naïve and stupid, even untalented, but also because a part of me is afraid of their reply. What if it isn’t normal…what if they just look at me like I’m crazy and hypersensitive, like I’m too weird to have this type of job? 33

Now that I know IS stupid, there are a lot of actresses way crazier than I am. It’s just been a long day.34

I don’t know. The point of acting, I know, is to become your character, to lose yourself in your role. And of course that’s my goal. But somehow with this role I didn’t think I’d really be able to. I mean, I’d do my best with the part of course, but Meredith isn’t exactly a deep and challenging role, and Deadly Deception has one of the lamest, most nonsensical plots I’ve ever heard of. Between those factors and the knowledge of the nearby cameras, I would have thought that I couldn’t help but be aware of who I really was and what I was doing at all times in the scene.35

But the thing is, I wasn’t. Once we started to do our thing, Sloane and me…he slipped so easily and fully into the role of Alex that I was thrown. When he yelled at me, moved himself invasively near me, and hissed threats, I felt like it WAS me that he was threatening…me, as his girlfriend, as Meredith. I felt that he was really angry with me, really trying to dominate me…and even though I know it’s ridiculous, I was afraid. I didn’t have to think or plan to respond to him at all. I didn’t have to tell myself to tremble, to blink rapidly, to swallow against an imaginary lump in my throat. That lump was THERE…and so was the fear. 36

I didn’t have to tell myself to cringe away from him, that Meredith would be scared enough to want to run…because that’s exactly what I would do. In those moments I really believed that Alex- or Sloane, I’m not even sure which- really might cause me harm.37

I had to deliberately break character a few times, to look at the camera or director to remind myself that it was only acting, only a movie. I thought that Renfield would cut the scene to fuss at me every time I did it…but he didn’t. That was another weird things…Renfield never called for a cutting of the scene, not once in the several times we shot it.38

I kept waiting for him to, but he never did…and he wouldn’t let anyone else do it either, and he wouldn’t accept breaking character. One time I totally forgot my lines, so I looked up, over at the camera, and apologized, saying I forgot my line- something way easy to do when your nerves were on edge. I figured Renfield would cut the scene, tell me my line, and Sloane and I would either start over or take it from there. So much for that expectation.39

Renfield went ballistic. He had been standing partly leaned against a tree, his arms crossed, watching us with his eyes narrowed with concentration, kind of weird, really, like he didn’t want to miss a single move we made. When I started to apologize, his eyes widened, and his face turned way indignant, way fast. Maybe it was just the atmosphere and me already nervous, but he freakin’ scared me, the way he looked at me.40

“No! Keep going- keep filming!” he exclaimed, gesturing towards Fred, the camera guy, before glaring in my direction. “Never break character, never stop what you are creating! There are no interrupted scenes in MY works!”41

Now that totally lost me. I know directors and filmmakers can be a pretty screw bunch, but EVERYONE cuts scenes. Don’t they?42

“But what if I screwed it up?” I asked in confusion, glancing between him and Sloane- who, I noticed, was also looking at me like I had ruined the whole movie. “What if I trip, or mess up a line- don’t you want to stop the scene so we can do it over better?”43

“No! Keep going, keep going!” Renfield exclaimed, his gesture continuing urgently, and I stared at him, unsettled by the dark impatience, the anger at my questions, in his eyes. “The best, most raw performances are lost when filmed in such a way, it completely ruins the suspension of reality. That is what editing is for later, to smooth over the rough edges! Now go- it’s still rolling!”44

After that it took me a little while to shake myself back into getting in character again…it was just WEIRD. I have never heard of a director with those kinds of views before.45

But I think none of that was as weird as what I said before…that I was actually afraid. A lot of my reaction wasn’t acting at all…when I looked into Sloane’s eyes, I was really freaked out by the barely controlled violence I saw there. The guy’s got some acting chops.46

The last thing about it all that was unsettling, that really made it seem real…he actually did hurt me. There are a few moments in the scene where Alex is supposed to grab Meredith’s arm harshly, where he takes her by the shoulders and slams her back against a tree, then shakes her. When we were rehearsing we practiced doing it so that it would look rough to a viewer, but wouldn’t really hurt me. But when he grabbed me today, I guess he must have got caught up in the moment, because he squeezed my arm really hard. It really freakin’ hurt. Same for when he slammed me into the tree…I hit the back of my head against it hard enough for my vision to blur, and when he shook me, I was really scared he would throw me to the ground. There are pretty obvious bruises forming on my arm and shoulders now. I’m going to have to hide them from Rick, because there’s no way I’m going to try to explain to him how I got them when he’s already so weird about this part.47

I tried to talk to Sloane after Renfield was satisfied with the scene, explaining he had hurt me, and he was apologetic. He said he hadn’t realized he was so rough and that he would be more careful next time. But that’s kind of something I’m worried about now. I don’t’ have a stunt double- no one on here does. And I know we’re probably doing a lot of special effects with computers or whatever…but what if something goes wrong, what if someone IS really getting hurt and Renfield doesn’t realize it, and he won’t let anyone cut the scene? I know it’s not likely, but the thought bothers me.48

When Rick asked about my first day filming, I just smiled and said it was fine but tiring. He wanted to know why I was wearing a three quarter length sleeve shirt to bed, but I told him I was cold. As he pulled me into his arms, announcing he would warm me up, I told myself that tomorrow would be better, now that the first day was over. 49