Cool air like spring morning in the apartment when the deck doors were open usually meant there was a storm on the way. David went outside on the deck to see if he could tell if the storm was to hit, or if it would just pass over. The clouds grew dark and the air got colder as if it were to snow. The wind blew hard causing the trees to sway like the dancing flames of a fire. 1
David stepped back into the apartment, shutting the doors to the deck and then, sat next me. I was sitting on the couch studying for the psychology exam we had coming up in a few days. I looked over at David for a moment and then returned my attention to my book. David was my best friend. We grew up together and since the day we met we went to the same school and now in college we were still best friends; we even had some classes together.2
David and I shared a two-bedroom one-bathroom apartment. The apartment seemed bare though with no pictures on the walls, and the bookshelf was only half way full, stacked with psychology books. The other half was left bare to be covered with dust over time. Sometimes I thought that people might mistake our kitchen for a walk in closet. In the living room, the lamp next the couch along with the light from the TV were the only lights on in the apartment, making it dim in the room, as if lit only with a few candles.3
Sometimes I wondered if I’d make it through college without David’s help. He always had good notes to help me study off of, but I knew I had to do without them because David wouldn’t be there for me after I finish college by my side in the office to help me as he has been since we met.4
It started raining fast and hard, just about the time I had to get ready to go to work. “Damn,” I mumbled, brushing my long dark hair out of my eyes. I glanced at the clock and shut my text book. Placing it on the half empty bookshelf I looked out the window the winds continued to blow harshly. Sighing heavily, I dragged my feet to the other room and put on my bright red shirt with black pants. I grabbed my coat and walked out the door. 5
Walking down the sidewalk, I wished I had called in sick because it was too cold to be walking in a storm like this. That’s when he slowly pulled his car over. Rolling down the window he called out. “Marie…. Marie do you need a ride?” I just looked at him. He was the new guy at work and yet by the black sports car he was driving I could tell he had no reason to be working except maybe for the experience… or maybe was there a family member that owned the shop I worked at? I didn’t know. Considering I was walking in the rain and probably would get yelled at if I showed up work soaked I decided to take the ride.6
“You’d do that when I can’t even remember your name?” I called back embarrassed.7
“Listen I don’t care if you know my name or not. I am asking if you want a damn ride to work so the fire breather doesn’t yell at your slow self,” He shot back laughing. 8
I opened the car door and got in. “Thanks.” Shutting the door, he sped off into the storm towards the small store. I looked at the nametag on his shirt. “Dan… well Dan if you have such a nice car like this tell me why are you working at a dump like late night, shop right?” Dan didn’t answer.9
Squealing to a stop in front of the store the blue-green lights of the sign flickered on and off: late night, shop right. Every time I’d walk into the store I’d grin a little thinking what a stupid name for a store. I got out of the car saying thanks to Dan again. He sped off to find a parking spot. As I walked into the store and punched in, grabbing a few boxes shoving them into a cart, I started pushing it down the aisles and stocking the shelves. What a drag? I thought to myself. While Dan worked at the cash register I was left stocking the shelves normally that would be the new guy’s job.10
Hours had passed and it was already going on midnight. My eight-hour shift was up and I was able to go home. I punched out. Wasting no time, I grabbed my coat and rushed towards the door. “Marie, wait up I’ll give you a ride home,” Dan called after me sprinting to catch up. 11
“Thanks anyway, but the storms over and my place isn’t that far away. I don’t want you to have to go out of your way,” I said turning to face him. 12
“Marie, it is midnight and you want to walk home? I don’t think so; it’s not safe. Let me drive you home I insist,” he said grabbing onto my arm firmly yet gentle. 13
“Fine” I said pulling my arm away. What was he trying to impress me, or something? I laughed to myself and followed him to his car.14
We got in the car and he sped off again leaving the tires squeal on the slippery ice like road. Reaching the corner of the block and he kept going straight. “Dan you missed the turn.” I informed him nicely as I could. 15
He laughed. “No I didn’t. I am taking a different way. It will be fun, and give us time to get to know each other.” 16
I sighed heavy. “Dan it isn’t that I don’t want to get to know you. It is that I am really tired and would like to be home soon and not take so long. Can you please just drive me home or at least stop so I can walk?”17
He shook his head. “No can do.” 18
I stared at him. What the heck was he doing? Am I being kidnapped? My mind swirled with thoughts. Even though his low harsh voice boomed in my head. There was nothing I could do, so I sat helplessly and stared out the window as he drove on talking to me. Although his voice blared throughout my mind, no words were actually formed.19
He finally turned back on the right street after half an hour of talking ‘to’ me, if you call it that. I think he liked the sound of his own voice and wouldn’t realize if I had disappeared in thin air or not. Pulling to the curve he stopped the car with a screeching halt. I tried to quickly get out but he grabbed my arm gripping it hard. A pulsing pain coursed through my arm as he pulled me back into the passenger seat.20
Pulling me closer towards him, he was trying to kiss me. I was angered that he was just trying to get me to get a ride with him figuring I’d owe him a kiss. Well, he got something all right… CRACK!!!… “AH!” I got out and slammed the door ran inside as quickly as I could leaving him screaming, locking my apartment door behind me. Leaning on the door I looked at my hand I couldn’t tell if the blood on my fingers was his blood or the blood from my bleeding knuckles. Serves him right, I thought. Somewhat grinning at the thought of leaving him with a possibly broken nose. I slid to the floor and rested my forehead on my knees deep in my own thoughts.21
Sitting there for about twenty minutes before I finally got up and went to wash the blood off my hand. The phone rang, I answered it quietly incase David was sleeping. “Yeah?” really annoyed and wondering who would be calling after midnight. 22
“Better be careful watch your back and watch the back of the ones you care about,” was all that was said and then the line went dead. 23
I put the phone on the hook and went to wash my hand so that if David came out he wouldn’t ask questions but I was too slow. 24
“Marie, who was on…” He stopped in mid sentence. “What happened to your hand?” he asked. 25
I laughed. “Nothing interesting. Just stuff happened at work that’s all.” 26
He grabbed my wrist and examined my hand. “Marie, what happened to your hand? Did you get in a fight?”27
I looked down. “Sort of, yeah. Some guy at work offered me a ride. There it was storming so I took it. Then on my way out he insisted he gives me a ride home. Then he doesn’t turn and keeps going straight. And when he finally did reach the house and stop he wouldn’t let me out. He tried to forcefully kiss me, so I broke his nose, unfortunately that wasn’t the only damage that happened. I obviously busted my hand up.” I pulled my hand away and then cleaned it in the bathroom putting bandages on it.28
After cleaning my cut I went to the phone and dialed the police. Then I turned to David. “Shade, I got a call from someone saying I better watch my back and the ones of the people I care about.” Shade was the nickname I had given him over years because he always hid his gray eyes behind sunglasses. “All I wanted to do was come home and go to sleep! It’s almost one in the morning and here I am waiting for the police to come!” I whined. 29
Just as I said that there was a knock at the door. I jumped and walked to the door, hesitating to open it. “It’s the police open up!” the voice on the other side of the door said bluntly. I opened the door peering out a little with my fist curled then I relaxed and opened the door all the way telling the cop to come in. I told him everything that had happened that night from the time I studied up to the strange threatening phone call. He promised he’d do his best to watch the area for anything out of the ordinary. I knew he wouldn’t though; they hardly do. As he left I shut the door behind him and locked it. Some how I knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.30
I changed out of my work clothes into a pair of baggy blue jean shorts and a black t-shirt and flopped down on the couch turning on the TV. David sat next to me. “Shade, go to bed, you got to get up tomorrow,” I said softly. 31
“Yeah so do you,” he replied. I looked frustrated at him. “Yeah, well, I am not going to get any sleep so what is the point of even trying!” I shouted. David just sat there watching TV with me, when the phone rang again. This time he answered it.32
“It is one O’clock in the morning what could possibly be so important?” he asked irritation in his voice. Heavy breathing on the other end of the phone line. “I am warning you, just as I did the girl, watch your back and watch the ones you care about. If not, they will suffer and die.” Again the line went dead. David said nothing. “Shade, who was it?” I asked looking somewhat afraid at him. He shook his head, and still didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask again. Instead I turned my attention back to what was on TV.33
“Marie…” He started but didn’t continue. “Shade, things will be alright, we’ll be okay.” I replied, my voice shook in fear. We didn’t walk much after that just sat there watching TV till we both fell asleep.34
I woke up and it was nine in the morning we didn’t have any classes today and both got a day off of work. “Shade, I think we should go to the police station maybe if we do they might actually do something its been almost three days!” David nodded in agreement.35
We walked in silence to the police station. When we arrived we were treated no differently than the cop treated us last night. I looked around glancing at the windows, one of the windows had a shadowy figured peered in with glowing yellow eyes. I hid close to David knowing the cops were too lazy to do anything.36
When I looked over again the yellow glowing eyes were gone and David was ready to leave I followed him out of the police station and down the sidewalk we got to the end of the block when someone drove by and started shooting, David and I hit the ground. I screamed as the car raced away and the gunshots stopped and the car was nowhere in sight.37
We exchanged concerned glances and nodded at each other ensuring we both were okay. David helped me up as the cops sprinted out. Breathing heavily asking if we were okay, we nodded and explained what had occurred. I swear the cop had something stuck in his ears because he didn’t hear a word we had said. After a while we were dropped off at the house and a patrol officer was set up out side of the apartment.38
I laid in my bed and stared out the window, the same glowing yellow eyes stared back at me, I screamed. David came running in. The yellow eyes were gone again. I sat up trembling. “At the window here and at the police station glowing yellow eyes stared at me! Something is following me!!” I cried.39
David sat in a chair next to my bed. “You were probably just seeing things with all the stress you’re under.” I looked angry at him and hit him with my pillow almost knocking him out of the chair. He laughed a little and I laid back down resting my eyes. I fell asleep.40
I woke up and David was gone. It was late afternoon I got up and went to the kitchen to get some left over pizza and an orange soda. I made sure the doors and windows were locked and closed the blinds, then sat on the couch flipping through the channels. I wonder where David went…. He must of went to the store…41
Next to the couch was my book bag stuffed full of more textbooks and many note books, I pulled a textbook and one note book out and placed them in my lap. Flipping through and writing. I took notes waiting for David to get back then got bored of that and watched movies.42
David walked through the door and threw his coat on the floor, then plopped down next to me. “Marie, I talked to the police today.” I rolled my eyes at him. He knew I was still upset with them for just sitting around all day while the guys who tried to kill us were still running around. “David, if you are gonna tell me they are trying their best to find the freaks who tried to kill us then save it.” I groaned getting up from the couch leaving my books on the coffee table. I put my empty soda can in the garbage and placed the dirty plate from the pizza in the sink then walked to my room and stood there staring out the window.43
David walked in to talk to me and when he did he saw the same glowing yellow eyes that I have seen before. He grabbed my wrist and ran from my room and then called out to the police officer. “He isn’t going to do nothing!” I laughed, bitterly, but the cop went around back to check things out. I turned away seeing the glowing yellow eyes getting closer coming out of my room.44
“David…” I whispered shaking his arm. He didn’t pay attention he was too busy watching out the window for the cop to come back. “David…” I said a little louder my voice shook. David still didn’t pay attention. The glowing eyes kept getting closer. I shook David. He finally turned around to see glowing yellow eyes staring back from the other side of the room in the shadows.45
“Marie…. run….” David whispered to me. I couldn’t move, I just stood there staring at the yellow eyes staring back at me. David pushed me towards the door and I reached for the doorknob. When a gunshot rang out. I fell to the ground screaming in pain who ever it was behind those yellow eyes had gotten the back of my leg. David ran to my side.46
The glowing yellow eyes moved closer stepping out of the shadows. It was my boss… I became so confused. 47
“They were going to give you my spot, and I won’t give it up, I couldn’t let them fire me for someone so lazy as yourself.” She roared at me, pointing the gun.48
The cops were on the other side of the door. But she didn’t seem to care. Instead she let out another gunshot aimed at me, David got in the way and was hit in the shoulder.49
We thought we were going to die. And there was no way to escape. Nothing could get worse than it already has. I thought to myself. The cops were just out side the door and just stood around… tears streaming down my face as I saw the gun being aimed at me again. 50
The cops wont help now, and I am going to die, David I am sorry I got you involved. Thoughts swirled around in my head51
Another gunshot rang in the air, as I watched my psychopathic boss fall to the ground dead. Left standing behind her more glowing eyes.. They moved to the light. I couldn’t believe my eyes it was Dan, he saved our lives!52
Walking calmly he opened the door to where we thought the police would be but the hall no one was there… they came running around from the side of the house and ran inside calling for back up, and an ambulance. 53
I sighed in relief, it was all over. We were safe…. right?54
David stepped back into the apartment, shutting the doors to the deck and then, sat next me. I was sitting on the couch studying for the psychology exam we had coming up in a few days. I looked over at David for a moment and then returned my attention to my book. David was my best friend. We grew up together and since the day we met we went to the same school and now in college we were still best friends; we even had some classes together.2
David and I shared a two-bedroom one-bathroom apartment. The apartment seemed bare though with no pictures on the walls, and the bookshelf was only half way full, stacked with psychology books. The other half was left bare to be covered with dust over time. Sometimes I thought that people might mistake our kitchen for a walk in closet. In the living room, the lamp next the couch along with the light from the TV were the only lights on in the apartment, making it dim in the room, as if lit only with a few candles.3
Sometimes I wondered if I’d make it through college without David’s help. He always had good notes to help me study off of, but I knew I had to do without them because David wouldn’t be there for me after I finish college by my side in the office to help me as he has been since we met.4
It started raining fast and hard, just about the time I had to get ready to go to work. “Damn,” I mumbled, brushing my long dark hair out of my eyes. I glanced at the clock and shut my text book. Placing it on the half empty bookshelf I looked out the window the winds continued to blow harshly. Sighing heavily, I dragged my feet to the other room and put on my bright red shirt with black pants. I grabbed my coat and walked out the door. 5
Walking down the sidewalk, I wished I had called in sick because it was too cold to be walking in a storm like this. That’s when he slowly pulled his car over. Rolling down the window he called out. “Marie…. Marie do you need a ride?” I just looked at him. He was the new guy at work and yet by the black sports car he was driving I could tell he had no reason to be working except maybe for the experience… or maybe was there a family member that owned the shop I worked at? I didn’t know. Considering I was walking in the rain and probably would get yelled at if I showed up work soaked I decided to take the ride.6
“You’d do that when I can’t even remember your name?” I called back embarrassed.7
“Listen I don’t care if you know my name or not. I am asking if you want a damn ride to work so the fire breather doesn’t yell at your slow self,” He shot back laughing. 8
I opened the car door and got in. “Thanks.” Shutting the door, he sped off into the storm towards the small store. I looked at the nametag on his shirt. “Dan… well Dan if you have such a nice car like this tell me why are you working at a dump like late night, shop right?” Dan didn’t answer.9
Squealing to a stop in front of the store the blue-green lights of the sign flickered on and off: late night, shop right. Every time I’d walk into the store I’d grin a little thinking what a stupid name for a store. I got out of the car saying thanks to Dan again. He sped off to find a parking spot. As I walked into the store and punched in, grabbing a few boxes shoving them into a cart, I started pushing it down the aisles and stocking the shelves. What a drag? I thought to myself. While Dan worked at the cash register I was left stocking the shelves normally that would be the new guy’s job.10
Hours had passed and it was already going on midnight. My eight-hour shift was up and I was able to go home. I punched out. Wasting no time, I grabbed my coat and rushed towards the door. “Marie, wait up I’ll give you a ride home,” Dan called after me sprinting to catch up. 11
“Thanks anyway, but the storms over and my place isn’t that far away. I don’t want you to have to go out of your way,” I said turning to face him. 12
“Marie, it is midnight and you want to walk home? I don’t think so; it’s not safe. Let me drive you home I insist,” he said grabbing onto my arm firmly yet gentle. 13
“Fine” I said pulling my arm away. What was he trying to impress me, or something? I laughed to myself and followed him to his car.14
We got in the car and he sped off again leaving the tires squeal on the slippery ice like road. Reaching the corner of the block and he kept going straight. “Dan you missed the turn.” I informed him nicely as I could. 15
He laughed. “No I didn’t. I am taking a different way. It will be fun, and give us time to get to know each other.” 16
I sighed heavy. “Dan it isn’t that I don’t want to get to know you. It is that I am really tired and would like to be home soon and not take so long. Can you please just drive me home or at least stop so I can walk?”17
He shook his head. “No can do.” 18
I stared at him. What the heck was he doing? Am I being kidnapped? My mind swirled with thoughts. Even though his low harsh voice boomed in my head. There was nothing I could do, so I sat helplessly and stared out the window as he drove on talking to me. Although his voice blared throughout my mind, no words were actually formed.19
He finally turned back on the right street after half an hour of talking ‘to’ me, if you call it that. I think he liked the sound of his own voice and wouldn’t realize if I had disappeared in thin air or not. Pulling to the curve he stopped the car with a screeching halt. I tried to quickly get out but he grabbed my arm gripping it hard. A pulsing pain coursed through my arm as he pulled me back into the passenger seat.20
Pulling me closer towards him, he was trying to kiss me. I was angered that he was just trying to get me to get a ride with him figuring I’d owe him a kiss. Well, he got something all right… CRACK!!!… “AH!” I got out and slammed the door ran inside as quickly as I could leaving him screaming, locking my apartment door behind me. Leaning on the door I looked at my hand I couldn’t tell if the blood on my fingers was his blood or the blood from my bleeding knuckles. Serves him right, I thought. Somewhat grinning at the thought of leaving him with a possibly broken nose. I slid to the floor and rested my forehead on my knees deep in my own thoughts.21
Sitting there for about twenty minutes before I finally got up and went to wash the blood off my hand. The phone rang, I answered it quietly incase David was sleeping. “Yeah?” really annoyed and wondering who would be calling after midnight. 22
“Better be careful watch your back and watch the back of the ones you care about,” was all that was said and then the line went dead. 23
I put the phone on the hook and went to wash my hand so that if David came out he wouldn’t ask questions but I was too slow. 24
“Marie, who was on…” He stopped in mid sentence. “What happened to your hand?” he asked. 25
I laughed. “Nothing interesting. Just stuff happened at work that’s all.” 26
He grabbed my wrist and examined my hand. “Marie, what happened to your hand? Did you get in a fight?”27
I looked down. “Sort of, yeah. Some guy at work offered me a ride. There it was storming so I took it. Then on my way out he insisted he gives me a ride home. Then he doesn’t turn and keeps going straight. And when he finally did reach the house and stop he wouldn’t let me out. He tried to forcefully kiss me, so I broke his nose, unfortunately that wasn’t the only damage that happened. I obviously busted my hand up.” I pulled my hand away and then cleaned it in the bathroom putting bandages on it.28
After cleaning my cut I went to the phone and dialed the police. Then I turned to David. “Shade, I got a call from someone saying I better watch my back and the ones of the people I care about.” Shade was the nickname I had given him over years because he always hid his gray eyes behind sunglasses. “All I wanted to do was come home and go to sleep! It’s almost one in the morning and here I am waiting for the police to come!” I whined. 29
Just as I said that there was a knock at the door. I jumped and walked to the door, hesitating to open it. “It’s the police open up!” the voice on the other side of the door said bluntly. I opened the door peering out a little with my fist curled then I relaxed and opened the door all the way telling the cop to come in. I told him everything that had happened that night from the time I studied up to the strange threatening phone call. He promised he’d do his best to watch the area for anything out of the ordinary. I knew he wouldn’t though; they hardly do. As he left I shut the door behind him and locked it. Some how I knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.30
I changed out of my work clothes into a pair of baggy blue jean shorts and a black t-shirt and flopped down on the couch turning on the TV. David sat next to me. “Shade, go to bed, you got to get up tomorrow,” I said softly. 31
“Yeah so do you,” he replied. I looked frustrated at him. “Yeah, well, I am not going to get any sleep so what is the point of even trying!” I shouted. David just sat there watching TV with me, when the phone rang again. This time he answered it.32
“It is one O’clock in the morning what could possibly be so important?” he asked irritation in his voice. Heavy breathing on the other end of the phone line. “I am warning you, just as I did the girl, watch your back and watch the ones you care about. If not, they will suffer and die.” Again the line went dead. David said nothing. “Shade, who was it?” I asked looking somewhat afraid at him. He shook his head, and still didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask again. Instead I turned my attention back to what was on TV.33
“Marie…” He started but didn’t continue. “Shade, things will be alright, we’ll be okay.” I replied, my voice shook in fear. We didn’t walk much after that just sat there watching TV till we both fell asleep.34
I woke up and it was nine in the morning we didn’t have any classes today and both got a day off of work. “Shade, I think we should go to the police station maybe if we do they might actually do something its been almost three days!” David nodded in agreement.35
We walked in silence to the police station. When we arrived we were treated no differently than the cop treated us last night. I looked around glancing at the windows, one of the windows had a shadowy figured peered in with glowing yellow eyes. I hid close to David knowing the cops were too lazy to do anything.36
When I looked over again the yellow glowing eyes were gone and David was ready to leave I followed him out of the police station and down the sidewalk we got to the end of the block when someone drove by and started shooting, David and I hit the ground. I screamed as the car raced away and the gunshots stopped and the car was nowhere in sight.37
We exchanged concerned glances and nodded at each other ensuring we both were okay. David helped me up as the cops sprinted out. Breathing heavily asking if we were okay, we nodded and explained what had occurred. I swear the cop had something stuck in his ears because he didn’t hear a word we had said. After a while we were dropped off at the house and a patrol officer was set up out side of the apartment.38
I laid in my bed and stared out the window, the same glowing yellow eyes stared back at me, I screamed. David came running in. The yellow eyes were gone again. I sat up trembling. “At the window here and at the police station glowing yellow eyes stared at me! Something is following me!!” I cried.39
David sat in a chair next to my bed. “You were probably just seeing things with all the stress you’re under.” I looked angry at him and hit him with my pillow almost knocking him out of the chair. He laughed a little and I laid back down resting my eyes. I fell asleep.40
I woke up and David was gone. It was late afternoon I got up and went to the kitchen to get some left over pizza and an orange soda. I made sure the doors and windows were locked and closed the blinds, then sat on the couch flipping through the channels. I wonder where David went…. He must of went to the store…41
Next to the couch was my book bag stuffed full of more textbooks and many note books, I pulled a textbook and one note book out and placed them in my lap. Flipping through and writing. I took notes waiting for David to get back then got bored of that and watched movies.42
David walked through the door and threw his coat on the floor, then plopped down next to me. “Marie, I talked to the police today.” I rolled my eyes at him. He knew I was still upset with them for just sitting around all day while the guys who tried to kill us were still running around. “David, if you are gonna tell me they are trying their best to find the freaks who tried to kill us then save it.” I groaned getting up from the couch leaving my books on the coffee table. I put my empty soda can in the garbage and placed the dirty plate from the pizza in the sink then walked to my room and stood there staring out the window.43
David walked in to talk to me and when he did he saw the same glowing yellow eyes that I have seen before. He grabbed my wrist and ran from my room and then called out to the police officer. “He isn’t going to do nothing!” I laughed, bitterly, but the cop went around back to check things out. I turned away seeing the glowing yellow eyes getting closer coming out of my room.44
“David…” I whispered shaking his arm. He didn’t pay attention he was too busy watching out the window for the cop to come back. “David…” I said a little louder my voice shook. David still didn’t pay attention. The glowing eyes kept getting closer. I shook David. He finally turned around to see glowing yellow eyes staring back from the other side of the room in the shadows.45
“Marie…. run….” David whispered to me. I couldn’t move, I just stood there staring at the yellow eyes staring back at me. David pushed me towards the door and I reached for the doorknob. When a gunshot rang out. I fell to the ground screaming in pain who ever it was behind those yellow eyes had gotten the back of my leg. David ran to my side.46
The glowing yellow eyes moved closer stepping out of the shadows. It was my boss… I became so confused. 47
“They were going to give you my spot, and I won’t give it up, I couldn’t let them fire me for someone so lazy as yourself.” She roared at me, pointing the gun.48
The cops were on the other side of the door. But she didn’t seem to care. Instead she let out another gunshot aimed at me, David got in the way and was hit in the shoulder.49
We thought we were going to die. And there was no way to escape. Nothing could get worse than it already has. I thought to myself. The cops were just out side the door and just stood around… tears streaming down my face as I saw the gun being aimed at me again. 50
The cops wont help now, and I am going to die, David I am sorry I got you involved. Thoughts swirled around in my head51
Another gunshot rang in the air, as I watched my psychopathic boss fall to the ground dead. Left standing behind her more glowing eyes.. They moved to the light. I couldn’t believe my eyes it was Dan, he saved our lives!52
Walking calmly he opened the door to where we thought the police would be but the hall no one was there… they came running around from the side of the house and ran inside calling for back up, and an ambulance. 53
I sighed in relief, it was all over. We were safe…. right?54
Author notes
OKAY umm this is for my creative writing class and yeah i am kinda afraid to share this cuz i dont know if the story fits all together. and also i dont have a title if you could help me out with that great.
12/15/05
there is a part two heres the link.allpoetry.com/Story/1699195
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
This was good, very good. The only thing I noticed was your verb tense. There were a few parts where you shifted from past to present tense in the same sentance like here: "David walked in to talk to me and when he did he saw the same glowing yellow eyes that I have seen before". Other than that the writing was excellent.
And to expand on J J Domi's comment, I think if you could add in the reason why Dan was able to discover the "fire breather"'s evil plot this story would be great.
-blake -
this was good and held my interest. having the paragraphs centered instead of aligned left kept throwing me off tho but that's just appearance on the page
-
thanks its hard to fit everything you can possibly write into the min of 5 pages max 7 but i tried... believe me i tried. i may continue it though, any way thanks again
-
I liked the story it was good. But cant help but feel that something was missing you know? I mean I like it and all but there is something that is missing something to make it great. I dunno what it is. But it is really good as it is and if you were to turn it in as it is I think think it would be great. But to make it truly awesome just need to find that thing that is missing. But I repeat I still liked it.
Good job,Good write,Awesome.
John -
HEY HEY HEY! this is really cool mamma, i liked this write alot, a bit long but it was good down to the last word, just watch for things like commas and Aposterfies(or however you spell it) can't wait for part II cuz i can tell there is gonna be one!
1 - 5 of 5


