With Love, Guinevere (part six)

1

My heart has a tendency to refuse charity and though I was surrounded by hordes of people, my mind told me that I was infinitely alone. I could not help but feel that I was merely standing on the sidelines of my life. Letters stopped coming in from Florida and I stopped writing them. Life around me kept going while my heart came to a complete stop. I felt like an outsider. Everyone had previous ties to each other and they weren't willing to let another intrude on that. 2

I remember feeling so out of place. I wished, then more than ever, for all this to be a dream and I was waking up on my first day at Lake Gibson High School. I knew later that that wish had been stupid. Had I gone to a normal high school, my freshman year would have still been hell because of freshman initiation. Being in band, it would have been worse for me than normal freshmen. Yet, I would have had friends to help me endure such pain. Whereas, here in Texas, I had none.3

Even when Jewelz tucked me under her wing, I felt alone and out of place. Most of those who had helped me in the beginning had a different lunch than I so I was still left to my own devices. Though it seemed like forever, the end of school came closer in no time flat. The band settled in for our end of the year trip and the choir came with us. Mom wasn't quite ready to let me beyond arm's reach, but she realized that I needed time away from Ann. And I did. I was tired of the constant arguments and accusations in the house. I was eager to go and Julianna, Amanda, Adrienne and I had already decided to be roommates in New Orleans: our destination. We were going down to play our rehearsed concert music in the Cajun Showcase, including one of my favorite pieces: A Hymn For Band.4

We went by Charter Bus and, grateful for technology, we watched Shrek on the way there. Mr. Stratton had never seen the movie and his reaction was worth making the trip for. The man could not stop laughing. Jewelz, Adrienne and I sat together in the front, able to claim a full seat for each for the trip while Amanda sat with the guys in the back of the bus. 5

We got to the hotel really late (about two a.m.), got our room assignments and dragged our bags upstairs to our rooms. The phone rang too early in the morning. Julianna answered the phone to hear a chipper Mr. Ball on the other line saying, "Time to get up!" in a really peppy and annoying voice. We were all tired but we got up, dressed and down to the bus by 7:30 a.m. We were dragged along to several points of interest by the teachers and chaperones. Mr. Stratton even pointed out where he lived as a child. For lunch we went down to the Riverwalk and shopped for a couple of hours. 6

After wandering the Riverwalk, having eaten, shopped and taken pictures of murals and the steamboats on the river, we continued touring the historic downtown streets. We got to go inside of a Catholic cathedral that, while the outside of the building was being reconstructed, the inside was breathtaking. 7

You could tell the choir knew a little bit about New Orleans, their instructor being a native to the city. They knew all about Bourbon Street and the French Quarter and Chelsea wanted dearly to taste a pastry that Mr. Stratton had promised her the opportunity to try. Well, the more demanding portion of the group suggested we go down Bourbon Street to get to where Chels wanted to go.8

They eventually broke Stratton's resolved answer of "no" and we ALL found ourselves walking down the sidewalks of Bourbon Street, New Orleans. Well, that was about five blocks of strip clubs and gay bars I DON'T want to relive specifically. Me, Jewelz, and Adrienne led the group, following the called out directions of Mr. Ball or Mr. Stratton and just kept amongst ourselves. I personally had no desire to keep my eyes off the sidewalk after the first time I looked up. So, it really might not have been that bad.9

The French Quarter was pretty cool. We stalled for about an hour to search for souvenirs to take home to family and friends. We all met over by this clown who was doing an act for us and some children that had been dragged along by their parents. And Chelsea got her pastry before we got on the bus to go back to the hotel. She looked like she was on Cloud Nine when she took the first bite. Too bad I didn't try it, much less remember the name.10

Before we had to go play the next day, we went to the mall for lunch and more shopping. When we left we were relaxed and ready to perform. Mr. Ball let us stay in the mall so we weren't hot, sweaty and bitchy when we went to play. Our pieces were a march by the name of "Men of Ohio" and a French Horn and Alto Sax featurette "A Hymn For Band." José and I had the first thirty or so measures to ourselves, I being the only French Horn to go and José being the only Alto Sax to go. We pulled it off well and we walked away feeling confident. We went and watched the choir perform and waited for their ratings. Mr. Ball then gave us the choice to go back to the mall or back to the hotel to swim.11

We went back to swim, of course, until we had to go back for our ratings. We were late getting back, but to find out we got a Superior rating. We squealed and screamed and celebrated. Not even did we get that rating back at home.12

On our way back to the hotel, my high spirits fell dramatically and despair drowned me in high tide. I figured then that if I fell far enough to hurt myself, I would do so away from mom's protection. I tried to relate this to Jewelz without freaking her out. I tried to tell her that I was just covering my bases by asking her to hide the blades and I had hoped that for once it would be something she would keep to herself. She went to Mr. Ball with her fears and bless Mr. Ball for being the pain he is, he tried to get me to talk it out. Hell, I had been nothing but an observer for the past eight months of my life, I talked about nothing.13

Jeremy saw me upset, bless his heart, and tried to cheer me up. "Come on," he consoled me, putting his arms around me. "Come play the PlayStation with us. It'll help."14

"Thanks, Jeremy," I smiled softly, trying to ease everyone's fears but my own. "But I'll be okay, eventually."15

I was upset with Jewelz for broadcasting it to the entire group and the commotion around me was making my anxiety a hundred times worse. Eventually, I calmed down, but it felt like my head had split in two from the tears. Jewelz was always careful and watchful around me after that. 16

It was frightening that I could slip so far, so fast, and without notice or warning. I hadn't known it then, but Bipolar (manic-depressive disorder) ran among the women of my family and stress had bombed it out of its shell. I was going down fast into a hell that would eat me alive. Nothing could escape it: there was no going back.17

*The faster this hell seeps me in,18

The sooner it spits me out and healing begins.*19

With Love,20

Guinevere.21