With Love, Guinevere (part five)

1

There's a difference between being suicidal and being a cutter. One's simply an exit while the latter is merely self-destructive. I personally began cutting a few days after my eighteenth birthday. Just to prove my aunt wrong, I had waited until I had turned eighteen to start cutting. She swore up and down that I would commit suicide before I turned eighteen. But, gee, I wonder why. She sure as hell wasn't helping matters much.2

Liam helped me keep my suicidal tendencies at bay. I suffered terrible pain at the hands of stress; migraines and tension headaches mostly before the pain brought me to my knees. 3

Caroline eventually disappeared and our group finally got back to normal. Liam was finally back where he belonged. It was sad (and distressing at the time) that I had come to rely so much on the warmth of his touch to bring me out of despair. Julianna continued to warn me that I should just keep him out of my life. "But hell, Jewelz," I told her, "he's what's keeping me alive and going this year." He's what kept me breathing and protected from harm that year.4

I saw less of him after Mr. Ball kicked him out of band even though he hung around the band on the bus and in the stadiums for football games. He was on the Honor Guard in JROTC and that was the Guard's assignment - the band. Those days of careless infatuation were almost more than I could stand to lose. Those were the days that I didn't have to care what people thought of me when I simply leaned back and drew his powerful arms around me and closed my eyes, breathing with careless ease. 5

I remember one particular trip before Stephen decided to antagonize my relationship with Liam. We were on the buss going to yet another football game and I was leaning back, curled up in Liam's arms. Stephen was sitting in the seat in front of us (he was in the Honor Guard as well). 6

I remember wishing that he would leave us alone. Liam and him used to be good friends before Stephen decided to go noble and assume that I needed to be protected from Liam. Liam had my heart; everyone knew this. What right did Stephen have to challenge the norm in my life? I mean, I didn't need any more turmoil in my life than I already had. 7

"Aww! Look at the cute little love birds," Stephen cooed sarcastically. 8

I just glared at him before I snapped, "Back off," and closed my eyes against the ache that was pounding in my temples, Liam's soft laughter rumbling in his chest. He gently tightened his grip on me and twined his fingers through mine. I ignored the pointed looks Stephen and Liam gave each other and just let myself relax. 9

His arms became the only place I could relax. I couldn't relax when I lived with my aunt because she was constantly bitching about something. I kept my eyes open and my heart and mouth shut around her. I thought I'd never get out of that place. My writing became darker and deeper. Grief had spiraled me into a black hole that Liam continually fought to pull me out of. 10

The gentle squeeze of his hand made me open my eyes. People were already getting off the bus and heading towards the equipment bus. I sighed and disentangled myself from him. I hated that we didn't spend more time together. It was a very short respite from the world that was caving in around me, but it was those few moments in his arms that gave my heart the will to wake up the next day and live my life. It was a feeble excuse to live, but it proved useful. Who's to say I'd still be alive today without that excuse?11

~*Even though I had those few restful moments, soon his touch would be unable to soothe away the stress that tended to triple every hour I spent in my aunt's house and quadrupled the moment you walked in the front door.~*12

With Love, 13

Guinevere.14