"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"1
"Ugh. Too early..." thinks Melissa as her hand snakes out in the darkness of the room to stop the annoying alarm going off on her nightstand. The noise shuts off and Melissa rolls over and tries to go back to sleep.2
"Oh crap! School!" she suddenly realizes, and hops out of bed and stumbles to her wall, searching for the lightswitch she knows is there. After a few misplaced swipes of her hand she finally lights the room up. Standing there letting her eye's adjust to the sudden brightness she looks around her room. Clothes are strung out on the floor where she has been to lazy to pick them up and bring them down to wash. Her walls are painted a soft, gentle blue color and are covered in pictures and posters of her favorite actors and movies. Her soft, plush carpet gives way pleasently to her feet as she pads silently over to sit on the edge of the bed to finish wiping the sleep out of her eyes, and she reaches over to the nightstand to grab her cell phone off its charger.3
"Riley, am I still picking you up this morning? also, did you get our Chem homework finished?" she types out and sends to her best friend, Riley Cooper. She then sets her phone back down and starts to search her dresser and closet for something to wear. She finally decides to take today easy and picks out a Hilcrest Volleyball t-shirt with her last name on the back, and then grabs a clean pair of jeans out of her dresser drawer. She then leaves her bedroom and silently makes her way down the dark upstairs hallway to the bathroom at the end. Her brother is still asleep, mainly because its 6 in the morning. Melissa likes to get up early so she has plenty of time to get ready for the day.4
Forty five minutes later Melissa comes out of the bathroom and walks across to her brothers door.5
"Derek! Time to get up! I'm leavin in 30 minutes!" she hollers through the door.6
"Alright.." comes a muffled, sleepy voice from inside.7
Melissa then goes back to her bedroom. She notices her phone is blinking and takes a look at Riley's answer.8
"Yes! I did get our homework done to, i'll let you take a look at it before class! Have you looked outside? There's snow!! Can you believe it? see ya in a bit girl!"9
Melissa smiles and pulls aside her maroon window curtain to take a look outside, and she is indeed surprised to see the ground covered in a fine layer of snow.10
"Oh yeah, thats right. I remember it started snowing last night." she realizes as she grabs her bookbag and her phone and heads towards the door to her room. As she goes out into the hallway she see's her brother walking out of his room and shutting his door.11
"You ready sis? Or do I have time to get somethin to eat real fast?" he says, as they both walk towards the staircase.12
"Yeah go ahead, I'll go out and start the car. Is that what your wearing today? You might want to change into something other then shorts. It snowed last night."13
"Really? Well thanks for the heads up, i'll run back up and throw some jeans on. Football practice is gonna suck in the snow. I'll just grab some poptarts and meet you out there." her brother says as he turns and runs back up the stairs.14
Melissa walks out into the entrance hall, then across into the kitchen. She grabs strawberry poptarts out of the cupboard and puts them in the toaster, then goes out the kitchen door into the garage where her car, a 2009 Toyota Corolla that her parents got her for her 17th birthday, and gets in the car and starts it up. Sitting in the car, waiting for Derek, her mind wanders, surprisingly, to thoughts of Tanner Miller. Is he going to talk to me today? I hope I look alright. If he does I hope I don't say anything stupid. Why am I worrying over this boy? There is no reason he would want to talk to me specifically. He hasn't acted like i'm in any way special. He's treated me like every other girl, and that is he's always nice to me and talks to me but makes sure to not show any sign of interest what-so-ever. Oh but how I love to dream.15
Just then Derek opens the passenger side door and climbs in.16
"Are we going to get Riley?" Derek asks, a hopeful smile on his face.17
"Yes, but please don't hit on her Derek. You don't stand a chance kiddo."18
"Hey, everybody stands a chance, even if it is a ridiculously small one. Besides, your her best friend, so that means i'm basically obligated to hit on her." he says through a mouthful of pop-tart.19
"Yeah, well I hope you don't plan on trying to woo her with your amazing ability to talk with a mouthful of strawberry goo and poptart crust."20
Melissa then pushes the button to open the garage door and backs her car out.21
"Also, you can trust me on this, you will never land a date with Riley. You became off-limits for her the second she and I became best friends. Besides, even if we were'nt best friends, she wouldn't want anything to do with you." Melissa says smiling.22
"Ooh, ouch sis. That was pretty harsh. Oh, by the way, who are you going out with? Oh, no one? Just like you havn't been all of your high school life? Yeah, thats what I thought."23
"Derek, shut up. I'm just shy ok? Get in the back seat. Riley is sitting up here." Melissa says angrily as she pulls over in front of the Cooper home.24
"Ok, ok take it easy sis, I was only kidding around. Alright, i'll get in back when she gets out here."25
Melissa honks her horn and then waits patiently for Riley to come outside. Derek and Melissa both watch as the front door swings open, and Riley Cooper of Hilcrest, Kansas walks outside into the light.26
If Hilcrest had a Princess, Riley would be it. She was beautiful. Her Light brown hair fell in slight curls down to her shoulders. She had gorgeous green eyes and a face only comparable to an angel. She was 5 ft 9 inches of pure beauty. She weighed a slight 110 pounds and was what every guy in Hilcrest wished for. At least every guy other then Tanner Miller. Riley had tried Tanner out, and found that he just wasn't that interested in her. At least not in a romantic way.27
Riley Cooper and Tanner Miller were alike in many ways. Riley, like tanner, was an athlete. She was great at volleyball and basketball, but was the best high jumper the track team had ever had. At least, the girls track team had ever had. It was only their junior year, and Riley was already getting letters from several schools wanting her to come compete in their track program in college. Riley though, was in love with Basketball. It was her favorite sport, and the one she had the toughest time with. She was good at it, but not good enough to get any big school offers like she has gotten for track, and it frustrates her. She worked every day that she could on basketball, and for some reason could not get any better at it then she was already.28
Riley walked her way down to the car, and Derek got out to get in the back seat.29
"Hey Riley, can I get some directions?" Derek asks as he holds the door open for her.30
"Umm, where to? This is Hilcrest we're talkin here Derek. If you can't find something then you must be pretty stupid."31
"Oh, well i've been looking everywhere for it and I just can't find it. You see, I'm looking for the way to your heart."32
Riley and Melissa look at each other, and then start laughing hysterically.33
"You know what Derek, thats something I gotta keep secret. Tough luck cutie, but your just gonna have to keep on searchin because your not gonna get the answer from me." Riley says with a smile.34
"You just called me cute. Wow. Amazing." Derek says as he shuts the door.35
"I don't know if its the cold thats making me short of breath, or if i'm hyperventilating because you just complimented me. This is the best morning of my life." Derek says after he climbs into the backseat.36
"Oh my god Derek. Haha calm down D. I'm not the only girl who is gonna call you cute in your life time."37
Melissa pulls into the school parking lot and everyone gets out.38
"See you later sis. Bye bye Beautiful, I mean, Riley!" and with that Derek walks away to meet up with his friends in the freshman hallway.39
"Can I have directions to your heart? Jeeze where does he get these things Melissa? Haha your brother is the best." Riley says as her and Melissa pull their stuff out of the car.40
"I dont know. Television? Internet? Who knows. Where do guys get all their pick up lines? Anyways, can I borrow your chem homework? My first class is English, and we are watchin some movie today so I can take a look at it while i'm in there."41
"Yeah, sure, here you go." Riley says and hands her some papers full of her large, looping writing.42
"Now, lets go find the boys! Me and Mark have been talking lately and I think it might be getting kinda serious. I think he might ask me to go out this weekend!"43
"Thats awesome Riley! Marks a cute guy, and he's so funny. I'm sure it'd be a blast with him. If he asks, you should definitely go." Melissa says, but is distracted as she see's Tanner pulling into the parking lot. He parked, hopped out, and grabbed his bookbag out of the back of his truck. Then he started to walk up to the school.44
"He's so perfect isn't he? Man, what I would give for one night with Tanner Miller...Oh well. I guess none of us are good enough for him." says Riley, who had stopped talking when she realized Melissa was paying no attention.45
"Yeah..I guess not.." Melissa answers, still watching him. Then, Tanner did something that had Melissa's mind going crazy all morning. He looked up at her and Riley, locked eyes with her, and smiled. Then, as he walked by them to go into the door of the school, he held the door open for them.46
"Good Morning Riley, how are you this morning?" he asks.47
"Hey Tanner, great thanks!" Riley says and flashes him her most flattering smile.48
Tanner smiles back. "Thats good. Melissa, your looking beautiful today. How are you?"49
"I'm..good Tanner. Thanks." says Melissa, breathless.50
Beautiful. He just said I look beautiful. Does he say that normally? I can't even think right now!51
"Well thats good! Well hey, I'd love to stick around and chat, but girls, we are all already late for class. I'll talk to you two later." Tanner says, then walks down the hall and into a classroom to his left.52
"I live for his good mornings. Ok maybe I don't, but its definitely a perk in my life. He's right, we're late! See you at lunch Melissa!" and Riley takes off to her first class of the morning.53
Melissa goes down the hall and takes a right down another hall, then goes into her classroom. She quietly sits down in her seat at the back of the room next to a sophomore girl named Ashley.54
"Have I missed anything?" Melissa quietly asks, and Ashley shakes her head no.55
The english teacher gets up, turns the lights off, then rolls a t.v. to the front of the classroom and puts on a movie. Soon the whole class has their heads down, and snores can be heard from several different students. Melissa finished her chemistry, with a little help from Riley's work, and then sat silently, her mind racing.56
"Melissa, your looking beautiful today."57
His voice kept repeating in her head, that sentence on replay.58
Thats when she realized it. She had never heard him once tell anyone they were beautiful. Not once.59
The bell rang signaling the end of class, and Melissa walked out of english, a smile on her face.
Comments
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Very interesting!
I'll defiently read more, it sounds so realistic and you're really good at describing the different characters. I don't think there was anything wrong with it at all, apart from this line I found, which didn't make all too much sense...
Just after line 14 there's a section you might want to change - you don't have to, I just thought it might sound better, something like this:
"then goes out of the kitchen door into the garage where her car sits and starts it up. Her parents bought her a 2009 Toyota Corolla for her 17th birthday and she felt privlidged to have her own car"
Or something maybe along those lines, more to suit the character. I'm not sure if the character would be privlidged, it was just an example.
I like where it's heading. It's simple, straight to the point and very discriptive. Keep up the writing and let me know when you get another chapter posted...
Sorry for the extra long comment, hope it helped.
Claps for you,
Jaz-


plot: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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This was awesome! You definately caught the twist of most teenage girls.. the oh my god he just looked at me and talked to me thing..that seems to be the typical sterotype of high school...I would say be a little different though...Melissa does seem different seeing as she doesnt really try for Tanner..but what is it about Melissa Tanner likes? make THAT more obvious and you almost got it. I cant wait for the next chapter. Keep it up.


