Master Ruben's study was still cluttered. Nothing had changed, not that any of us ever thought it would. I think even the cleaning staff stayed out of there.1
When we entered, Mastercreator Ruben checked me over from head to toe. Although I protested all through it. Master Ruben, of course, ignored my complaints.2
After he was done with and proclaimed I was unharmed, he looked at Kyle's wound. We assured him Masterhealer Sage had done a good job. Again he had to make sure himself.3
Ayita stood by the door looking extremely uncomfortable. I had tried to motion her in the room farther, but she shook her head and firmly stayed put.4
Mastercreator turned to her and opened his arms wide. Ayita took a timid step forward, before breaking down and running into those arms.5
"Mas'er Ruben, sir, I did my bes'," she cried at his shoulder.6
"Now, now my daughter, you did your best."7
I knew mouth hung open because I glanced from the two, father-daughter, to Kyle. His mouth was wide. I shut it gently, as I did mine, before butterflies made their chrysalis from the roof of our mouths.8
Ayita continued to cry herself out and Master Ruben comforted her. Kyle and I stepped away to the friendly fire that crackled behind the ornamental gate. We hope this would give them some privacy.9
***10
"Ayita tells me she arrived just in time."11
Kyle and I nodded. "I think Carmen and her friends were taking us to where Quinn is."12
Kyle chimed in, "Did we send anyone to retrieve those three?"13
"Masterhealer Sage informed me of your entrance, along with Ayita's thorough report. I sent security for them. I am awaiting Mastersecurity Carson's report. Hopefully he will get something out of Carmen. I don't think the other two know much. I believe they were in it for money."14
"It's odd that Carmen was talked into kidnapping," Kyle voiced.15
Master Ruben sat in one of the overstuffed floral chairs. "Not so odd, really. Love makes one do strange things." He passed around the plate of sugar cookies. They smelled heavenly, like home on the cold afternoon. I realized I was famished.16
Author notes
Not the whole part, but wanted to post something 
In a list
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Hey Brooke,
Interesting scene. I see that the typos have been pointed out. I'm with Abstract, wondering even more about Ayita's dialect (again) seeing that she's Master Ruben's daughter. Maybe you need to put something in your story to explain why she's uneducated. Just doesn't seem right when her father is such a high level guy. Anyway, looking forward to your next installment
Steve
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So Ayita is Master Ruben's daughter…interesting. I must have missed that in previous reads
. Blame it on chapter lag.
Hello Brooke, as usually you have a nice linking scene here, that keeps the reader in the center of the plot
.
Content that everyone, while a bit banged up, is still alive and functioning from their ordeal, we can rest awhile in the calmer atmosphere of the Mastercreator's cluttered (sounds like my office
) study.
Geri
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So, Master Reuben has a daughter? I wonder why the heavy accent. He doesn't seem to have it.
Another great addition.
Trish
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So Ayita is Rubin's daughter. Interesting.
I wonder at her dialect and that she calls him Master Rubin. Has he been hiding the fact that he has a daughter? There seems to be more to Rubin than meets the eye.
I'm curious to see if they go back to the cave Carmen was taking them to since they think she was leading them to Quinn.
Small stuff:
p2. Although I protested all through it. Master Ruben, of course, ignored my complaints. -- 'Although I protested all through it.' isn't a complete sentence since it starts with although and needs a qualifying phrase. (I had to look that one up.
)
I might either delete Although from the sentence or combine the two and delete 'of course': Although I protested all through it, Master Ruben ignored my complaints. Either way would work.
p8. I knew (my) mouth hung open...
I like the metaphor of a butterfly chrysalis in her mouth.
p9. hope - hoped this would...
p14. You're Masterhealer Sage now. Woot!
Interesting start to this part. Can't wait to see what you add to it.
Greg
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"Although I protested all through it." <-- kind of awkward. You might try tacking it onto the end of the sentence before it. Or, you could change some of the wording and make it the beginning of the next sentence with the same effect. Though, technically, if you add a comma after 'although', it would be a correct sentence.
A lot of your sentences read awkwardly. If you just rearrange some of the words, such a thing would make the piece flow more smoothly. For example: "I had tried to motion her in the room farther, but..." would be more easily read as "I had tried to motion her farther into the room, but...".
I think you're missing a word in p8. "I knew [my] mouth hung open..." perhaps?
The plural form of 'chrysalis' is either 'chrysalises' or 'chrysalides'. If you use 'their', you gotta use the plural form.
You should go over this and check everything for the correct tense. There are coulple places where you change tense in the middle of the sentence, and a few places where the entire sentence isn't in the right tense for the piece.
Interesting... I like it. It intrigues me. lol.
good job, Brooke!
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