Midnight Tears (Prologue and Ch. 1)

Prologue1

It's that hot feeling all over again and it's drying my tears. It's that slightly ironic kind of honesty that I have always clung to. And here I am, like usual, sitting in the corner of my bathroom floor. The blade sitting over there with crimson tear stains caressing its silver sheen the wind blowing through the curtains tossing my golden hair in my face, ruffling the papers written in smeared ink across the floor. And when you actually take the time to think about it. It's all kind of weird. Life always pulls you this way and that. You never know the right direction to go towards. One minute you are outside playing with all of your friends chasing the teasing butterflies and then the next you are here. Doing what ever you possibly can to stay away from the razor. 2

I really don't know what is wrong with me. Every other beautiful girl in town has the same pain. Faded memories plastered over destroyed smiles and heartless giggles and I seem to be the weakest. I never know how to deal with sorrow. I'm always lost between right and wrong where the silence over comes the pain and nothing else seems to matter besides one thing. 3

You know, I have tried so many times to put the razor down but it just doesn't seem to help. I will be all right for a month or two and when I least expect it, when I'm at my weakest moment, I fall back down to the only thing that can pick me back up. The razor . . . 4

Chapter One5

'I have to get myself back together' I said quietly to myself as I wipe the tears from my eyes and walk out into the hallway. 6

The house is silent, but my mom should be coming home any minute. She doesn’t know that I've started up again, I can only imagine the hurt in her eyes when she sees the checkered scars running up my arm marred with the freshly made pink slashes. It’s been seven months since my last encounter and I’m ashamed that I’ve fallen back down. 7

Walking into my room seems like a distant dream I forgot to remember, the TV static ringing in my ears as I search for the remote. I plop down on my unmade bed and glace in the mirror on my headboard. There are black stripes down my cheeks and as sorrow perfumes the air my eyes wonder. I can’t cease my mind from my curious passion about the hidden happiness painted along the face of me in the picture, because when I breathe it doesn’t feel as if it’s my own, and each step I take feels like another crack in my shattered soul. 8

‘Emily, I’m home. What would you like for dinner?’ My mom shouts up the stairs breaking me from my drifting thoughts. 9

‘It doesn’t matter mom, anything you feel like cooking. I’m not really that hungry anyways.’ I said startled. I guess I never heard her come home. 10

‘Come down here Em, and help me.’ 11

‘I’ll be there in a sec, mom.’ I said grabbing my hoodie off the back of the computer chair to cover up the newly made marks covering my arm. I should really do it somewhere else on my body, somewhere not so noticeable. 12

The kitchen is already steaming with cooking food as I come around the corner almost running into my mom. 13

‘Emily, watch where you are going!’ she gasped as she caught the chicken just before it hit the ground. 14

Her remark went unheard I guess that didn’t surprise her. She has probably already noticed that I am in ‘one of those moods,’ as she would say. I grab the lettuce and a dish out of the refrigerator. Drifting off in my thoughts I start putting together the salad. It seems no matter what I do I can never get him out of my mind. 15

It was just last week when he first came to our school. In homeroom he walked through the doors and it was as if time had stopped. Every conversation came to a sudden end, as every person looked at the door watching the gorgeous guy walk up to our teacher, Mrs. Harvey. Every girl stared in disbelief as every guy stared in anguish. 16

‘Everybody, this is Michael Bradshaw; he is from South Central High School in Denver, Colorado. Please welcome him.’ She said telling him to take a seat in the vacant one right beside me. 17

I lowered my eyes back to the paper trying to look discrete, but I swear I could feel him smiling at me. One of the ‘pretty girls’ Lisa took his attention from me and I can’t help but feel jealous. The bell rang and I hurried out of class. ‘First one out, bet you didn’t look like an idiot Em.’ I muttered to myself as I went to my locker. But, when I looked back he was to drawn up in Sarah and Christens conversation to even notice me. A sigh of relief slipped through my lips as I grabbed my books and brushed through the crowd. 18

‘Em . . . Emily . . . Emily!’ My mother screamed pulling me back to reality. I seemed to dripping the lettuce on the floor instead of the bowl on my lap.19

‘Oh, sorry mom I didn’t even notice.’20

‘It’s all right, but what is wrong with you? You seem to be in another world or something tonight.’21

‘Nothing really, I was just thinking about school and the homework I have to do tonight for Trig.’ I lied. 22

‘Oh, well hurry up and finish that salad the chicken is done.’ 23

After dinner I went into my room and mom went into the family room to finish up some paper work. I sat in my window seat over looking the forest in my back yard. I watched the rain sliding down my windowpane, resembling the tears descending down my face. They trickled onto the new slash across my bare skin, but I ignored the agonizing pain. Memories of my father came flooding back into my thoughts as I reached under the seat for the little black box that held everything of me. It held my secrets, my life and sorrow, and most of all my fear. I’ve had it ever since I was little; my father gave it to me before he died. 24

I rummaged through the pictures of him and me from when I was little to the letters he would leave me in the mornings. One in particular I was searching for, I found it and ripped it out of the envelope and the tears came down even harder as I read the words from three years prior. 25

My Dearest Emily, 26

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I hope you have an amazing first day of high school.  This is the time when you will grow up and everything starts to change. You aren’t a little girl anymore. You are almost all grown up and in a couple of years you will be out on your own. It’s hard to imagine. Just last night I was sitting around thinking about when you were a little baby. I remember the first time I seen you, you grabbed my finger and had that cute smile painted on your face. I remember when you took your first steps, and even though you fell a couple times you still got right back up a tried until you succeeded. There are so many memories I will never forget, and so many more to be made in the future. 27

You are my world Em, my little girl. No matter how big you get you will always mean everything to me. I will love you till the day I die, until the sky isn’t blue anymore and the grass isn’t green. You make my day just to see you smile. Never let your smile fade from your precious lips no matter how rough things may be. And never forget that I am here for you and always will be. I love you Em. 28

With all my Love,29

Your Father30

I let the letter fall to the floor gracefully and picked back up the picture of us two. We both looked so happy then. Everybody has said I had his smile, and looking at this picture reminds me of how much I really do resemble him. I have his icy blue eyes, his smile that could shatter any women’s heart, his little pug nose, but most of all I had his memory still beating through my body. I laid the picture face down on the window seat and picked up the hidden floor at the bottom of the box. He had always told me this was ‘A place for all my secrets.’ I stared down at the razors and knives that I’ve collected over the past year placed so perfectly from oldest to newest. Taking the newest and sharpest one I closed my eyes before I dragged it fiercely across my thigh.  31

The pain I feel right now could never amount to the pain inside my aching heart. As the tears fall staining my flushed cheeks I decide I need to go for a walk. It’s already dark outside and I know my mom wont let me leave this late at night. So, I decide to tell her that I am going to bed. 32

‘Alright Hun, sleep tight and I love you.’ She yelled back.33

‘Goodnight mom, love you too.’ I replied.34

Locking my door I walked over and put back on the hoodie I had before. As I opened my window I noticed the rain had stopped pounding on the ground and the full moon looked exquisite shining down over the forest and streets of my neighborhood. I climbed down the side of my house making sure not to hit the freshly made cut on my thigh and carefully jumped to the ground. My favorite place to go was in the woods but I wouldn’t go there past dark, so I headed for the streets. 35

There are only a few houses per street in my neighborhood. Everyone is friendly here and always stops to talk. No one was out right now, so I didn’t have to worry about people stopping me and wondering why I still had a tear-stained face. 36

The night seems different tonight, the moon brighter, and the sounds louder as my jumbled thoughts dance courageously through my mind. Somehow the thoughts of Michael came rushing back to me. It’s been so long since I’ve had a guy hold me I thought to myself. Remembering his smile and how it could fill your every doubt with no worries and at the same time his piercing brown eyes could crush you in that instant. For some reason I feel as if I could have him, the way he looks at me carefully examining every small aspect of my body and soul. Just as I turned the corner I heard someone walking up behind me. Pacing my steps faster the ones coming from behind me seemed to speed up just the same. I am to scared to turn around and look, but I new I had to. Just before I turned around his voice said my name.37

‘Emily?’38

Startled I turn around and look. It was him, actually him, the living breathing body of Michael Bradshaw, my crush, my secret love, walking behind me saying my name for me to stop.39

‘Yea? Who are you?’ I said rightfully knowing exactly who it was.40

‘It’s Michael, you know the guy from homeroom. I just started at Belmont.’41

‘Oh, yea I remember you. Hey, how are you doing? Wait . . . what are you doing out here? Are you following me?’ I said backing up.42

He stood under the streetlight and as he moved closer to me I could feel every beat of my heart surging through my body. ‘I was walking inside and I seen you. You know I just live right over there . . .’ He said rhetorically.43

‘Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.’ I said lying44

‘You know, I’ve seen you so many times and never had the courage to walk up and talk to you until now?’45

‘Are you serious? Why not? I’m no one to be scared of.’ I said jokingly.46

‘Well . . .’ He stopped but he picked it back up a few seconds later. ‘I’ve sort of. . . I guess . . . am intimidated by you.’47

‘Why? I haven’t done anything.’48

‘That’s just it you haven’t done anything. I know you’ve seen me looking at you from down the hallways. I know you feel me staring at you in homeroom as you try not to catch my gaze.’ He said drawing me into his arms, his gentleness as irresistible as his strength. ‘I know you see me when I see you.’ He leaned in for a mere second and stared into my ice blue eyes. Taking a deep breath I glanced up and as he leaned in my mouth softened against his. His tongue flicked gently over my lips, coaxing them open, and the rushing in my ears drowned out all of the sound. It felt so nice to be able to lean against some one for once. His arms tightened around me silently telling me that I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. 49