1
Edith never had anything more to say, but her ma and pa watched her mope around for the next two weeks. She continued to do her job, and speak to the customers, but it was as if the spirit had just drained out of her.2
"Mac, you just got ta do somethin," Jessie insisted. "That gal is just plumb gonna waste away. The next dance is comin up in a week, and she says she won't even go."3
"Nothin I can do bout that. Ifen she don't want to go, we can't make her."4
"If we kin just get her to go, maybe she'd meet some fine young man and forget all bout that Jansen boy."5
"And just where do you suppose the fine young man is gonna appear from? They kinda be in short supply around here. None of em even comes close to the Jansen boy."6
"But the Jansen boy is not here. We gotta do somethin'. I'll watch the store tomorra ifen you'll go up the mountain and see kin you figure out what happened to the boy."7
"I'll give it sum thought, but I can't drag the boy down the mountain just because our girl has her heart set on him. He knows the way and ifen he had wanted to, he'd abeen here."8
"We just need to find out, one way or tha other. She's just gonna plum pine away till she finds out." Jessie said as she made her way back to the kitchen.9
Edith refused to even discuss Alva with her folks. She pretended he didn't really exist and had set her mind on forgetting him. She had not glanced at his poems since the night she put them away, but they still dwelt in her mind. She knew them word for word. She still couldn't believe that a man who had felt nothing could have put those beautiful emotions down on a piece of paper, then just forget? That first night, she had slept very restlessly and awoke with vague dreams about hearing Alva calling her name. Was he calling out for help? She had not had the dreams again, but could not get the idea out of her head that something was wrong.10
Jessie and Mac sat up that night after Edith had retired and talked about what should be done. Mac just didn't believe young Jansen was the type to just blow her off like he had. He remembered the boy that night, and he appeared to be completely smitten with Edith. "I'm sure he didn't run into something he liked better, up in dem mountains. I seen sum ah those girls. Maybe, sum of em be purdy, but they never had a bath and most of em lost they front teeth. Somethin must be wrong and I may as well go find out, so we all be knowin." 11
"You can leave at sun up in tha mornin an be there by the middle ah the day. I'll watch the store and tell Edith you had to go pick up sum supplies. We better get ta bed. The sun'll be comin up in jest a few hours. You'll need yore rest."12
**********************13
Before daybreak the next morning, Mac had a hearty breakfast and was saddling his old Mule, Rocket. He strapped his Springfield to the saddle, along with enough vittles and water for a couple of days. You jest didn't travel up that mountain alone, without being prepared. He never even gave it much thought to what he expected to find when he got on Ol' Rocket and pointed his head up the mountain trail. He just figured the boy had changed his mind. Now, other possibilities were starting to cloud his mind. So many bad things kin happen to a man alone on the mountains.14
Maybe he fell off Ol' Jake and hit his head. He could of fallen and broken a arm or leg or fallen off a steep part of the trail. So many possibilities that they were racing though his head like a runaway team, and he quickly urged the mule to a bit faster pace.15
Then, they was always the critters. The Smokys were full a Black Bear and they coud be meanern a rattlesnake this time ah year. Newly out of hibernation, hungry and the females caring for new families and the boars just lookin for trouble. Then he got to thinkin bout the wild hogs who would tear a man to shreds, the elusive cougars that moved like ghosts, stalking their prey. And, of course, the upper mountain area was full o' timber rattlers and they was just plain mean and aggressive. Again, he urged Rocket to pick up the pace. Why had he waited two weeks? Now, he was certain somethin had happened to the boy, and was dreading what he might find when he got there. It would still be several hours and he couldn't push Ol' Rocket too hard. It was 'most straight up hill and he would have to stop several times and give the mule some water and let him take a rest.16
Mac didn't go up the mountain offen anymore. It was definitely for the young. He wasn't zackly old, but he was in his mid forties and that was gettin there. He had run the store for so many years, he didn't do too much physical labor anymore, and Jessie's good cookin had put about forty extra pounds around his middle in the years they had been together. She was a mighty fine cook, and he did love to eat! 17
Rocket's ears went back and he came to a quick stop as Mac heard a rustling in the woods next to the trail. Just to be safe, he picked up his Springfield and made sure it was ready to fire. He would sit and watch a minute, to see if the creature showed itsef. A minute later, a pretty young doe, followed by two new fawns dashed across the path right in front of Rocket. Mac breathed a sigh of relief as he but the gun back in it's place, but made sure he could have it in hand at a second's notice. He sat a minute till he regained his composure and started again up the steep trail.18
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, except fer the occasional snake or turtle crossing the trail and the barking of the squirrils as he came to close to their trees. He couldn't help but admire the magnificence of the mountains as he got higher and higher up the trail. It was spring and the newly leafed trees in various shades of green, the blooming of the dogwood trees and bedbud trees: it was just breathtaking. Man sure was blessed to be able to live in such beautiful country. He was hypnotized by the slow, graceful glide of the eagle, high above the tallest peaks. No matter how often you saw it, a man still had to be completely taken in by the beauty of the land and the mountains.19
Mac stopped about half way up the trail, to eat a bite and let Ol' Rocket rest. He had owned the ole mule for a lot of years, and he was beginning to feel his years, just like Mac, but he was always ready to do what was asked of him. Mac looked at the old gray mule with affection as he grazed along side the trail, pulling his lips back to expose a set of long yellow teeth. There was a good spring just a few yards off the trail and Mac and Rocket set off to get a good cold drink and rest a spell. He knew they still had between two and three hours to go, and was starting to really dread what they might find.20
Mac let Rocket rest a good twenty minutes, then it was back in the saddle again. They started back up the steep trail, knowing it would take more time on this part of the trail. The grade was increasing with each mile and taking more out of the old mule. In another hour, he had to stop and let him get some more rest. It would be a lot easier coming down, but also a lot more dangerous. It wasn't an easy trail and there were several places where there were steep dropoffs of hundreds of feet, just off the edge of the trail. Sure made him thankful to have Rocket. He wouldn't want to trust a horse on a trail like this'n. Give him a sure-footed mule anytime.21
About one in the afternoon, acording to the location of the blazing sun, Mac knew he was gettin close. He suddenly felt nervous agin. He looked 'round the area, and never saw no buzzards flying around and that made him feel sumwhat better. Then he realized after two weeks, if the boy had a bad accident, there probably wouldn't be nuttin left to feed the buzzards. He rode the rest of the way with a heavy heart, worryin bout what he might find.22
When he got within sight of the cabin, Rocket started gettin real nervous and actin like he didn't want to go any further. Mac had to keep a tight hold on the reins as he urged the nervous mule up into the yard.23
Mac could see instantly what had happened, and it weren't good. The front door of the cabin stood open and he could see Alva's Springfield lying half in and half out the open door. There was an abundance of dried blood on the porch and all over the yard. He looked around, nervously, dismounted and tied Rocket securely to a tree and removed his gun. He didn't relish the idea of bein stranded up there without his mule. He carefully examined the front yard and the tracks were of a very large bear. It looked like quite a scuffle. Examining it closer, there seemed to also be the tracks of a smaller bear and a cub or two. That was really bad news ifen he got caught up in a fight tween two bears. He could also see a dog's tracks in the fray. It really must of been sumpin. He could see drag marks across the ground with quite a bit more blood. Looked like the bear must ah just drug him off. 24
Mac straightened up and shook his head. Don't look good atall, he said as he walked back toward the cabin. As soon as he set foot in the front door, he was convinced the young man must have been kilt. The whole inside of the cabin was a disaster. Furniture was overturned, all food items had been drug out and eaten or carried off. The bedding was ripped to shreds and nothing was left standing or in one piece. It was bad. Mac turned and walked out of the cabin. He lay the boy's gun back inside and blocked the door shut, the best he could. He couldn't wait to get out o' there, but he sure weren't in no hurry to face his girl. He had the worst possible news for the gal, but at least, now she would be able to mourn and get over it. It was probably worse not knowin.25
Mac made his way, carefully down the steep trail with a heavy heart. He had been quite fond of young Alva and his father had been well liked by everyone in the territory. He had at least five hours to figure out how he was goin ta break tha news to Edith.26
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hey Trish,
Read and commented on this already
Steve -
Oops been here, done this... twice already
.
I opened up in anticipation of a new chapter
. I know Thanksgiving time to cook the bird.
Well at least we don’t have to hunt it anymore. In fact if the Grocers run out we have a flock right in our back yard. Of course the Law says we can’t shoot the ugly things parading around out there, like they pay the taxes
.
Oh well, Trish, just thought I'd remind you, I’m waiting for chapter 12
.
Geri
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Very good
I have already read this chapter -
Sorry Trish, I don’t know what happened to my review of this chapter
. I know I did it but it must have been in invisible ink 
.
So here I go again. Please remember these are only my opinions.
The overall plot is working well; the tension in Mac’s household shows to advantage making his decision to search logical.
The trip up the mountain trail allows the reader to bond with this rugged character, and suffer with him when he locates the devastation
.
Using a narrator helps keep the information clear; while allowing the dialogue to set the time, local and color of the story.
Now the problem Take this part. Edith never had anything more to say, but her ma and pa watched her mope around for the next two weeks. She continued to do her job, and speak to the customers, but it was as if the spirit had just drained out of her.2 ( Okay, I understand the effect you are after and it is fine, the abuse of English makes for a natural sounding conversation when it is done in dialogue or private thoughts. It has been pounded into my head 
it is out of place when given in the voice of a narrator.
When the background voice is giving information, describing a scene and the activity you should consider proper English. Edith had little to offer. Her parents worried as they watched her mope around for the next two weeks. She continued to do her job. She remained friendly with customers, but it was as if the spirit had just drained out of her.2)
"Mac, you just got ta do somethin," Jessie insisted. "That gal is just plumb gonna waste away. The next dance is comin up in a week, and she says she won't even go."3
"Nothin I can do bout that. Ifen she don't want to go, we can't make her."4 (Now this sounds fine. The reader accepts the parents are conversing. The flow is smooth and we ‘See’ the characters and recognize them through their speech patterns.)* worthy*
"I'll give it sum thought, but I can't drag the boy down the mountain just because our girl has her heart set on him. He knows the way and ifen he had wanted to, he'd abeen here."8(You are doing a great job on dialogue—I’ve no problem with, who’s who. But you might consider tossing in some activity. ‘Darn wimmen’ he silently chided her and scratched at his rough chin; then screwed his mouth up in a frown before he said, "I'll give it sum thought, but I can't drag the boy down the mountain just because our girl has her heart set on him. He knows the way and ifen he had wanted to, he'd abeen here."
Jessie stared at her husband, her eyes on the verge of tearing. "We just need to find out, one way or tha other. She's just gonna plum pine away till she finds out." She snapped her head sharply as if to remind herself to reign in her own emotions. Quickly she made her way back to the kitchen.9
(Things continued to worsen), Edith refused to even discuss Alva with her folks. She pretended he didn't really exist (.) and had (Pretended she had) set her mind on forgetting him.
(NP)Jessie and Mac sat up that (one)night after Edith had retired and talked about what should be done. Mac just didn't believe young Jansen was the type to just blow her(their daughter) off like he had. .
You jest (just) didn't travel up that mountain alone, without being prepared.
(NP)He never even (hadn’t) gave (given) it (remove it) much thought to what he expected to find when he got on (‘ Ol' Rocket and pointed his head up the mountain trail. He just (remove just)figured the boy had changed his mind. Now (But soon), other possibilities were starting to cloud his mind. So many bad things kin (could) happen to a man alone on the mountains.14
Maybe he fell off Ol' (Old) Jake and hit his head. He could of (have)fallen and broken a arm or leg or fallen off a steep part of the trail. So many possibilities that they( remove that they) were racing though his head like a runaway team, and he quickly urged the mule to a bit faster pace.15
(He started to contemplate.) ‘Then, they was always the critters. The Smokys were full a Black Bear and they coud be meanern a rattlesnake this time ah year. Newly out of hibernation, hungry and the females caring for new families and the boars just lookin for trouble.
Then he got to thinkin bout the wild hogs who would tear a man to shreds, the elusive cougars that moved like ghosts, stalking their prey. And, of course, the upper mountain area was full o' timber rattlers and they was just plain mean and aggressive.(‘
(Narrator)(NP)Again, he urged Rocket to pick up the pace. Why had he waited two weeks? Now, he was certain somethin (something) had happened to the boy, and was dreading what he might find when he got there. It would still be several hours and he couldn't push Ol' Rocket too hard. It was most (mostly) straight up hill and he would have to stop several times and give the mule some water and let him take a rest.16
Mac didn't go up the mountain offen (often) anymore. It was definitely for the young. (‘He wasn't zackly old, but he was in his mid forties and that was gettin there. He had run the store for so many years, he didn't do too much physical labor anymore, and Jessie's good cookin had put about forty extra pounds around his middle in the years they had been together. She was a mighty fine cook, and he did love to eat! 17’
Rocket's ears went back and he came to a quick stop as Mac heard a rustling in the woods next to the trail. Just to be safe, he picked up his Springfield and made sure it was ready to fire. He would sit and watch a minute, to see if the creature showed itsef (itself).
A minute later, a pretty young doe, followed by two new fawns dashed across the path right in front of Rocket. Mac breathed a sigh of relief as he but the gun back in it's (its) place, but made sure he could have it in hand at a second's notice.
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, except fer(for) the occasional snake or turtle crossing the trail and the barking of the squirrils (squirrels) as he came to (too)close to their trees.
He couldn't help but admire the magnificence of the mountains as he got higher and higher up the trail. It was spring and the newly leafed trees (were) in various shades of green, the blooming of the dogwood trees and bedbud trees: it was just breathtaking. (A man,) Man (, he thought) sure was blessed to be able to live in such beautiful country. Mac stopped about half way up the trail, to eat a bite and let Rocket rest. He had owned the ole (old)mule for a lot of years, and (knew)he was beginning to feel his years, (; but) just like Mac, but he was always ready to do what was asked of him.
(Narrator) It wasn't an easy trail and there were several places where there were steep dropoffs of hundreds of feet, just off the edge of the trail. Sure made him thankful to have Rocket. He wouldn't want to trust a horse on a trail like this'n. Give him a sure-footed mule anytime.21
(Narrator) It wasn't an easy trail and there were several places just off the edge of the trail, with drop offs hundreds of feet from the surface. Sure made him (Mac) thankful to have Rocket.
(NP Mac’s thoughts) ‘He wouldn't want to trust a horse on a trail like this'n. Give him a sure-footed mule anytime.’21
About one in the afternoon, acording (according) to the location of the blazing sun, Mac knew he was getting (remove getting) close. He suddenly felt nervous agin (again). He looked '(around)round the area, and never (remove never) saw no buzzards flying around and that made him feel sumwhat (some what) better. Then he realized (that) after two weeks, if the boy had a bad accident, there probably wouldn't be nuttin (nothing) left to feed the buzzards. He rode the rest of the way with a heavy heart, worryin (worrying about) bout what he might find.22
When he got within sight of the cabin, Rocket started gettin (getting) real (really) nervous and actin (acting) like he didn't want to go any further (farther). Mac had to keep a tight hold on the reins as he urged the nervous (echo—this nervous not required.) mule up into the yard.23
He didn't relish the idea of bein (being) stranded up there without his mule.
He carefully examined the front yard and (knew) the tracks were of a very large bear. It looked like quite a scuffle. Examining it closer, there seemed to also be the tracks of a smaller bear and a cub or two. That was really bad news(.)
(NP) ‘ifen he got caught up in a fight tween two bears.’ He could also see a dog's tracks in the fray. ‘It really must of been sumpin.’ He could see drag marks across the ground with quite a bit more blood.
(Mac’s thought? Looked like (remove looked like)(') the bear must ah just drug him off.(') 24
Mac straightened up and shook his head. (“Don't look good atall,(“ he said as he walked back toward the cabin.
(Narrator) As soon as he set foot in the front door, he was convinced the young man must have been kilt (killed). The whole inside of the cabin was a disaster. Furniture was overturned, all food items had been drug (dragged) out and eaten or carried off. The bedding was ripped to shreds and nothing was left standing or in one piece. It was bad. Mac turned and walked out of the cabin. He lay (laid) the boy's gun back inside and blocked the door shut, the best he could. He couldn't wait to get out o' (of) there, but he sure weren't (wasn’t) in no hurry to face his girl (daughter). He had the worst possible news for the gal (girl), but at least, now she would be able to mourn and get over it. It was probably worse not knowin.25
He had at least five hours to figure out how he was goin ta break tha (going to break the news) news to Edith.26
Geri
-
Hey Trish,
I see you've done some editing on this chapter. It reads much smoother now. Still needs a little work on the dialect in spots. There are a couple of places where you drift in and out. Para12 for one. I sure you can spot the others if you read back through. Waiting for the next installment
Steve
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Good Yarn
I think I must have missed a chapter or two and will go back and read them. You have laid out the story very well. The descriptions of the predators in the mountains, the trip up the grade had me breathing hard as the mule. Ok, maybe it's just me because I like to use accents, but I respectfully disagree with the other comments. The only people who speak the Queen's English are the Queen and maybe some college profs. You may want to check out Elmer Kelton and see how he handles accents, but it's a good story. -
Excellent
You are using up the dialect a little by using it in the narrative but once you get the hang of it it is easy to geep on with it. The news won't be good but it also won't be true and Alva will have to show his self soon, maybe not as torn up as it sounded from the fight. I will be glad when you catch up with me on this story it is getting on my last nerve. I keep looking for pictures. -
Hmmm....
I'm from the wrong side of the pond to really appreciate this. Partly it's the dialect, on which I can't comment, and partly it's the whole thing of filling in the scene. I started here as a random point to sample the whole, on the basis that the story should be well into its stride, and found that I could pick the main threads without any trouble. This is good from the point of view of making the story accessible
I suspect the even paced continuity is meant to give the feel of living in a place where not much happens, it's remote, and news doesn't get around too quickly. If so, then this has achieved its aim. But I'm a little irritated by the heavy emphasis on dialect and use of accent. Don't get me wrong, it's an important part of the story, and necessary. I get the idea that the narrator is also supposed to be from the area in question. But I do feel, and it's only my opinion, that the passages where there's no dialogue, and it's descriptive, the spelling and grammar could be tidied up, if only to enhance the description and let foreigners like me understand and appreciate the beauty of the landscape and the passing life therein.
I suppose it's just my alien eyes looking at an alien culture; the story in itself holds the attention quite well, so long as the reader is prepared to overlook or appreciate the deliberate use of dialect spelling and grammar. Probably I'm too much of a stick in the mud to appreciate what seems an excellent story told in a dialect I struggle with.
beginning: 3, plot: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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