(Intro) Entering and Exiting Life at High Speeds 101

It's so cold in my house. Since the heating bills are so high, my mother keeps the thermostat down to about 60 degrees, which is fine for her because she's fat, but it definitely doesn't help me. It's so hard to type when your hands are shaking, and you keep having to delete half of what you type because it's illegible. 1

Although, they might be shaking because I just took 2 of everything in my mother's pill cabinet, which has an amazing assortment. I kid you not, she's like a pharmacist. She has everything from Darviset to Vicodin, Loritabs to Xanax bars, Percocets to Adderall, and everything in between. It's like heaven to get into the cabinet. Like all of the sudden, you can think clearly.  2

Then again, since when could I ever be accused of thinking clearly? That's what got me into this mess in the first place: I wasn't thinking clearly. It's weird to look back at the wreckage of your life, and to just want to laugh. That's how pathetic it really is. I just want to laugh and cry and shake myself. But I am shaking, and I can't remember how to laugh. 3

Of course, I can fake a laugh. I can fake about anything. I have a lot to hide behind, so I've gotten to be a pretty good faker over the last 18 years. I have long, straight blond hair, I'm skinny, I'm tan, I have a pretty smile, and big blue eyes. I'm damn good at hiding, and lying, and faking. Hell, I fake a laugh more than I sneeze, or use the toilet.4

I mean my real laugh. I don't even remember what it sounds like anymore. I used to know. It was like a twinkling sound, a high, girlie noise that was so unlike me, that it was almost like someone else was laughing. I think. Or maybe that's what the fake laugh sounds like. 5

You probably think I'm insane. I'm not. Or maybe I am. Hell if I know. I know I'm freezing to death, even though I'm wearing a tank top, a T-shirt, a hoodie, and a pair of sweat pants, all covered with a blanket.6

Damn. I messed it all up good this time. What happened to me? That's a stupid question. Life. Love. Rage. Fear. Take your pick. They all played a big part of this. I'm not going to be able to tell you everything. Not all at once. This is my intro.7