You wonder if she's worked it out yet. That you know. You think she's guessed who you are. While she's never seen you in anything other than the casually conservative suits, the tiny scrap of leather around your eyes barely serves as any kind of disguise. Tonight, you masquerade as yourself. Or at least, the you that she's come to know.1
You're sure you saw her eyes rake over your body when you entered. Drinking in the satin, the velvet, the dark brocade of the waistcoat. Carefully chosen clothes to entice, to attract. You knew she'd be here tonight.2
Her appearance is breathtaking. Not that she doesn't knock you to the ground every day. The skirts, the boots, the fey glint in her eyes as normal to her as jeans and tshirts to her peers. But it's different tonught. The facade of the masquerade gives her a new kind of freedom, even as she notices you here. There's a different laughter, a different curve to the lips you've studied to the point of obsession. Those lips you noticed the intant you arrived, a way to recognise the girl of your fixations, your forbidden fruit, behind the feathered mask and the cascade of ringlets over her shoulders, behind the tightly laced corsets and adornments upon adornments. Those gifts from what you imagine to be a score of lovers brought to their knees, like you, by the glittering life and laughter of this tiny fey creature.3
Maybe it's not the best time to wander if she knows you've guessed her identity, as she steps closer to lessen the distance between you on the balcony. You've stepped out to escape the heady music, the laughter, the intense atmosphere of the revels you've been attending for extra glimpses of her in her own realm, her own space. Always hiding there, avoiding her attentions. Not letting her know that her two lives aren't as seperate as she believes. And here she is, waiting for you. Believing you're nothing more than a naive mortal toy who's wandered into the lions den. Another toy who won't recognise who plays with it. She eyes you like so much prey, before taking another, bolder step closer. 4
As you roughly pull the enticing little creature toward you, you hear her gasp in a final realisation. Before you lean your head down to take posession of the lips you've been able to forget, you lower your glamour a fraction, allowing hints of darkness and otherness to seep into your skin. Her eyes widen. She tries to pull away from your grip as she utters that word. That inescapable fact.5
"Faerie."
In a list
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Oh, what a twist. It's compelling. I'll head over to read the next chapter. I want to know what's going to happen.
~Mab
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p3; "But it's different tonught."
tonight
p4; "Maybe it's not the best time to wander if she knows you've guessed her identity, as she steps closer to lessen the distance between you on the balcony."
wonder
p4; "Believing you're nothing more than a naive mortal toy who's wandered into the lions den."
'lions den' is possessive so it should be lions' den
This was a wonderful start and I don't want you to think the editing tips were meant to say otherwise. I haven't been on here for very long myself, but this is one of the better things I've seen on here so far. Great work.
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A very beautiful and vivd write here that you've started. Entertaining and engaging
I am oddly curious, though, as to how well it will be pulled off though to continue a series in this second-point of view. It can either be incredibly genius- or it can end up being incredibly confusing. So, I do wish you all the luck with this style 
It is a lovely write and beginning, though
Two small suggestions:
P3: The skirts, the boots, the fey glint in her eyes as normal to her as jeans and tshirts to her peers.
t-shirts
P3: But it's different tonught.
tonight
Overall, good job! Keep writing!
Lady Pixie
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Hypnotic
This story is so alluring, it really pulls you in. I love all the details you put in your story. I usually don't like stories that are written from a male perspective-I find it hard to relate since I'm female-but this one is an exception, a wonderful one. I really hope you will continue this story because it has so much potential.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wonderful start
as others mentioned, there were a couple of mistakes. but, otherwise I enjoyed it and want to read more. i think this is a wonderful start. maybe a bit confusing at the beginning with who knows who's secret, but by the end its clear what is going on.
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Enticing
And just a touch of naughty tease. Draws the reader in, leaves them guessing. Really like "eyes rake over your body." Suggest para 3> The girl you're fixated on/ intant >instant.
Para 4> wander>wonder/to lessen>lessening/revels > revel maybe even some other description.
Para 5>able to forget>unable to forget
Very nice start.
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:D
dreamy! I want MOAR! there are a few misspellings but completely forgivable since it was so much fun to read!
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paragrap 3 'T-shirts'
'instant'
paragraph 5 think there might be a word missing, not sure
This is awesome. I love the way you've built up on the anticipation, and the intimacy between the characters is quite tangible. Way cool.
language: 5.
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I like it - but you should read it over cause you mis-spelt some stuff
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