Collabrat (Colonel Lab Rat)

I always wondered what would happen if pickles had teeth. Sadly, it was exactly as I had anticipated: they became rabid. And don't get me started on the jalapeno peppers, those demonic little buggers. Then it occurred to me- if I made a sandwich of these creatures, they just might work together. I was horribly, horribly wrong, as my best friend Jason would tell you if he was still alive. I have multiple personalities and it was actually exactly as I had planned, he was a stupid fellow and needed to die. I don't know why I said that, I miss you so much Jason!
I decided to start a Subway (Eat Fresh) to mass produce these creatures, but some fat guy named Jared ruined my plans. So I cut him open and implanted my mutant sandwich factory in the living shell of his body. He died shortly thereafter and it was a very sad day for us all. Except for everyone in the world because we all hated his commercials and his phony weight-loss and secretly wanted him dead just like we want Oprah dead and Dr. Phil dead and all those people who are so much FREAKING BETTER THAN US and constantly rub our faces in it.
As I operated the mutant sandwich factory from his carcass, I still felt unfulfilled. There were still filthy rich, happy celebrities out there living luxurious lifestyles at the expense of the rest of us, just like Jared. So I continued to create murderous food; I added teeth to a chicken nugget, that would show them. But what would it show them, that the pickles had not already?
The chicken nuggets discovered how to procreate and became twice as violent as the pickles, truly a force of death in the making. But then I ate them, because I was really hungry, because I hadn't eaten in days, and I'd been staring at those tasty mutant death sandwiches the whole time, and I love chicken nuggets, but this time they gave me really bad indigestion. So I was back at square one with no idea what to do next.
Suddenly, I had an idea what to do next: I would train a guerrilla force of be-mandibled food to devour the fat and wealthy in an ironic reversal! The fat and wealthy deserve what they have as they earned it, so I have no idea why I would think such a horrible thing. The obvious reason being because what they really deserved was death and digestion, according to the wise book of FatKarma. After a few hours in the lab creating a 100 Grand general to train them, my plan was ready to be enacted. But the general turned on me and instead of my plan, he declared a full-scale war on Poopa thug, the supreme enemy of mankind. The deadly food descended on him and tore the flesh from his body amid his desperate screams. They disemboweled him, dismembered him, and disemheaded him as well. They ground his bones to make their bread, and then the bread mutated and joined in the carnage. They destroyed every last atom of his being, in spite of the law of physics that states "matter can neither be created nor destroyed," because physics was willing to make an exception in this case.
The End