Snow is interesting. It falls, twirling and fluttering without a care in the world on where it lands. It hits the ground, and clings to whatever it lands on, only to melt away.1
Thats much of how it happened for me. Falling in love I mean. The only difference is I knew my destination when I began to fall. The rest was the same, completely helpless free fall. Nothing could prevent it from happening, and nothing could keep me from clinging on. Even if he didn't even notice me. Well he notice's me, just not the way I notice him. You know what I mean? Ok look, in case you don't understand. When I look at him I see, oh man I see everything about him. The way his eyes sparkle when he smiles, as well as those perfectly pearly white teeth. The way he walks, a confident saunter that seems to say to everyone 'I know what I want and I know I can get it because I am just that good.' I notice how each hair on his head falls perfectly into place when he's walking through the school hallways, or how that one spot on the left side of his head has a naturally wavy curl to it so that when he takes off his football helmet his hair just sticks out on that side. I notice everything he does, his every movement, the way he smells, the way he talks. Everything. What does he notice about me? Well, probably nothing. I talk to him every day at school, and they are actually long conversations filled with his dazzling smile. Oh that smile.2
You know, some people might say that after that huge long paragraph about how I notice so much about him I must be a stalker, but then again, you just don't know Tanner Allen Miller the way I do. The way every girl in this town probably does. He's a dream come true, like our very own Tom Cruise and we are all wishing to be that girl he takes to the prom, or he hugs after his football game, or that he picks up to bring to school in the morning. Every girl in this high school wishes to be "that girl." You would think that out of the fifty girls total in this school, and thats counting the younger freshman and sophomores, that he would be able to make a decision. I mean come on, we are a small town, and a small school, and he knows every girl here. We've all made a point of that. He just never seems to take us up on our offers. Well, I've never actually made any kind of offer to Tanner. I just talk to him from time to time. I mean why make any kind of offer. The kind of offer i'd give him is not the kind of offer he's used to hearing, and he's said no to all those other offers as far as I know. Oh you know the kind of offers he's refused. Don't act like you don't. The girls here may be few, but they aren't shy. They are pretty forward if they have to be. Well, I wouldn't throw myself out there the way some of them have. I'm more old fashioned. You know the whole spiel, "I want my first time to be special, with the one I love." Alot of the girls here gave up on that. I wouldn't say that the other girls are sluts or anything, but they do have quite a bit of experience when compared to me, who's only kind of experience is a sloppy make-out session freshman year with a oily faced, acne covered boy who got lucky on his turn in spin the bottle.3
It's not that i've had no chances, it's just I never take them. I don't know why. Maybe i'm scared? Or maybe some part of me is just waiting and hoping to have a fairy tale romance with THE Tanner Miller.4
Anyways, enough of my thoughts on Tanner. Its late and I have school in the morning. I better get to sleep so I have time to make myself look halfway decent so I can maybe catch a smile from Tanner in the morning. Its not like i'll be leaving my thoughts of him behind anyways when I fall asleep, because he'll likely show up in my dreams. Oh yes, he definitely, most positively will.5
Authors Notes!6
Ok, so im obviously writing from a girls perspective. And i'm a guy. So I don't know how good this is. Im trying to get started on a Novel. Its probably an idea thats a little overdone but why not start your first novel with something cliche. You know the classic "girl likes guy who is out of her league, yet finds her and him in a wild, fun, head over heels kinda love story."7
Thus far idk how it is going and id love any comments anybody has! Thanks!
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Not bad train of thought
Mostly needs some better punctuation and paragraphing. I've made a few other suggestions:
Need a better opening line--"I could watch snow fall all day, if my nose didn't get so damn red and cold.", for example. Something that gives your narrator some personality, & establishes your first-person pov.
Instead of "well, probably nothing," I'd acknowledge something superficial that he might notice.
Too much use of the word "offer"--find another way -
ok I have to admit for a guy writing as a girl...you did great!!! just remember not all girls are the asme..pick one trait from a girl you know and put your own spin on it.
It's a great start. I will read ch. 2 when I get a chancw!!! Keep it up!
Crystal -
I like how you started it out with Snow
. Only, You didn't describe it THAT well, when you said you were a guy I went "O.O!" you write like a girl would if they wrote this kind of story. >.> no offense meant, I liked it for some reason though, errors on describing things, that need to be looked over but I really liked it despite it being just a Story with no fantasy. Though something about it didn't seem exactly First-Person, and you need to capitalize I've/I'll/I'm. Where you started describing the Tanner, that was a bit Wishy-Washy as said, but being a Guy and trying to write from a Girl's perspective, you do a good job. Though, not much girls act like this nowadays. (I think it'd be better if they did, the way they act like now, well, some. is annoying...) I'll read on . But, I'll need to be messaged if you have anymore. I'll forget...
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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I did like the snow flake metaphor. I am going to be a little cliche here but "show don't tell". The whole story is expostion, or a summary. I would suggest trying to dramatize scenes that show what you are trying to convey. Another thing to consider, I imagine part of the fun of romance novels is watching the characters fall in love. What you have here has kind of taken that away from the reader.
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thanks for the comment! but what i was trying to show in this part of the story was the way that the girl is totally taken up by him, and she doesn't even know him other then what he shows the world. Im trying to show the same thing every high school girl does, and thats fall for the typical "perfect" looking guy, rather then finding someone who may be less then perfect but a much better person.
The difference between this girl is she is somewhat shy, and she doesn't try to get his attention like the other girls do. She doesn't make him racy offers and doesn't go out of her way every day particularly just to show him who she is. She admires him from a distance, mainly because her confidence level is so low, and the fact that she is shy.
As you said part of the fun is watching characters fall in love, and the unique thing about this story is that she is under the impression that she does love him, even though its more like an obsession that all the girls in the school have over this guy. Throught the story though I am going to show her and tanner interacting, and my goal is to have them actually fall in love. I think it will make for an interesting read!
thanks for commenting! that snowflake metaphor is pretty genius isnt it?
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Yes
Yes, it is a very nice metaphor. I appreciate the plan of the story, but I still think you told the reader instead of showing them. This may just be me though.
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Just an opinion from a sad old man.
Nice start with the snowflake metaphor, but then it gets a bit wishy-washy girly. Describing his good looks, hair, confidence and football helmet. Makes the girl seem a bit shallow, so oft-putting for the reader who is beginning to dislike her. After reading about Mr Perfect Tanner, it's difficult to like him as well.
It read like a story from a girl’s magazine in the 1940's.
I know you are a guy, but I think that most girls in 2009 would find this tale a bit cliché and cheesy. Just my opinion, but perhaps you should wait for some comments from a teenage girl to know what they really thing about this.
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thanks for the comment!
Now, i replied to the comment above yours, and it basically says the same things I want to say to you so if you'd like to go up and read that it might clear some things up!
As for disliking perfect Tanner and thinking that this girl is shallow, you will find out throughout the story once i get into it a little more that Tanner is a very likeable person, and that this girl is not as shallow as you think
Tanner, as she told us, is one of those typical "perfect" high school guys. He's immensely attractive, very athletic, and can basically have whatever he wants, especially when its involving the girls at the school.
The difference between Tanner and those typical "perfect" high school guys is that even though he is a confident person, he has not taken advantage of his good looks. Not once has he accepted any kind of offer from any girl in the school, and he has never even taken any of them out. He believes in finding a girl thats good for him, not a girl who will do whatever he wants her to. He is the old fashioned type, and believes in romancing a girl and taking care of her needs for her.
I feel i'm not explaining that well enough so i'm just gonna stop! All I know is that I believe this will make a very good read, and I think you will discover that Tanner actually is a very likeable person, and this girl really isn't so shallow at all and is likeable as well!
I already have a chapter two up if you'd like to read it! thanks again for the comment!
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Good work
That was really descriptive. And excellent work for writing in a girls perspective. When I started reading, I thought you were female, but then when I read the bottom section, I was surprised.
I'd be cool if they both feel for one another, secretly. You could alter from his point of view to hers in chapters. ... Just an idea.
Anyway, good work and I can't wait to read more when you've written some. Take this clappy and check out some of my stories if you've the time.
=) jaz
dialog: 5.
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