Lets not say goodbye

To all who care;1

As I write this note I know it will be the final words I ever get to say. That means that I want to make them good and make them mean something. I wish I could write you all individual letters but I just don't feel that would achieve anything. Deep down, all of you who care or have cared, will each have your own special memories of time we spent together.2

This note is to tell you all that I am in pain. Sometimes there are pains that just cannot be healed no matter how hard we try. Think of it like an incurable cancer - it is there and incurable - nothing anyone says or does will make it go away. There is no way to get better. It is all about waiting - like a ticking time bomb - for the inevitable to happen.3

For me, that is to die. I wish I could write down some great descriptions of my pain, I wish I could make you all visualise it so that you may understand. But I cannot. Only I know how bad it is and how I can no longer cope. Every day I wake to a world that I don't want to live in. Every day I look myself in the mirror and feel like a failure. Every day I wish things were somehow different. Every day I wish I wasn't me.4

I know some of you may think that suicide is the easy way out, maybe even the coward's way out. Trust me, it's not. I am terrified to carry out the act, but when the pain I feel outweighs any of the happiness I've ever had, it seems like the best thing for everyone. I know some of you will think this could have been preventable, but it isn't. I've tried all the therapies, the pills, making changes in my life to be happier. But it always comes back to the same thing - I just don't want to be here.5

I've felt this way for a very long time. Years in fact. I just hoped that one day everyone else would be right and it would go away. It hasn't though. I'm sorry, I do wish you had all been right, but I have given it long enough and tried hard enough. I'm exhausted living as me and I feel so much older than my years.6

This isn't a waste of life, please never think that. Please don't think of my pain, but instead of my smiles. People talk about healing from the inside first, before they can be completely healed on the outside. For me it just worked differently, I can keep a happy face to all around me, from the outside I guess I look quite normal. Inside I feel broken beyond repair.7

I know these words will be impossible, but please try not to be too upset. I am not doing this to hurt anyone, it is the opposite. I am doing this to rid myself of my own hurt and hopefully live on in the afterlife as a happier being.8

Think of me as an angel, always standing beside you and guiding you through life. You all told me I was such a good listener, I could always help all of you if not myself. Well I will still be here in spirit and I will be watching over all of you who have ever made me happy. Always and forever. I will be the gentle wind that blows against your face, I will be the sun that shines and gives you warmth, I will be that beautiful butterfly that flies past and makes you smile. 9

I will always be here. 10

I will always be with you. 11

I love you all.12

Lets not say goodbye - how about - I'll see you all soon.